Opus Postumum
Copyright 1999 by dustin hansen
Scene 1
SETTING: A
sparsely furnished middle- to upper-class home.
AT RISE: MAN,
mid thirties maybe, sits in chair center stage facing out, reading and
concentrating. The only light is a small reading lamp next to man’s chair.
WOMAN–very pregnant–smiling hugely–a strained, fixed mask of a smile as
though her face is permanently stuck that way; (she will never be without this
smile throughout the rest of the play. The man, on the other hand, will never
smile in the slightest). She wanders aimlessly around the room, sighing
occasionally; (each time she sighs, the man looks up from his book in annoyed
disgust).
WOMAN
Want some tea, darling?
MAN
Don’t talk to me.
(Pause.)
WOMAN
How about a back rub?
MAN
Don’t touch me. Or ‘ll scream.
WOMAN
(Laughing coyly.)
You would not.
(Man stares at her threateningly. She is
unperturbed. Pause.)
WOMAN
How’s the opus coming?
MAN
(Pause. Staring at her:)
You trying to get my goat?
WOMAN
You can keep your silly goat.
(Man mutters a sarcastic laugh, scowls.)
WOMAN
But really, how’s it coming?
MAN
‘ll jump out that window.
(Woman laughs.)
MAN
‘m warning you.
(Woman chuckles.)
MAN
Would you like that? You’d like that,
wouldn’t you ‘dearest.’
WOMAN
I just want to know what it is you’re
working on. You never talk to me. The most important part of a marriage is
communication, you know.
MAN
The most important part of marriage is
sex and silence. At the moment ‘d prefer the latter.
(Silence. Woman goes to window, begins
to open it.)
MAN
Wife! What in God’s name are you doing!
Close those drapes! You want to let the whole world’s eyes into our living
room?
WOMAN
It’s stifling in here dear!
MAN
Oh nonsense.
WOMAN
I can’t hardly breathe!
MAN
You mean you can hardly breathe,
or that you can’t breathe. How in the name of Jehovah did they let you
through grade school? Did you perform sexual favors for the principle?
WOMAN
It’s so stuffy, honey! It’s making me
all dizzy.
MAN
Blame the very air yet; you’re absolutely
pathetic.
WOMAN
But sweety, ‘ll pass out!
MAN
Grand. Then maybe we’ll have some peace
and quiet for a change.
WOMAN
‘ll have a heat stroke!
MAN
And this concerns me how?
WOMAN
Honey!
MAN
You’ll live, will you not?
WOMAN
I suppose. For a little while longer.
MAN
There you are.
WOMAN
But what if I have brain damage?!
MAN
Your germ-sized brain is already damaged
irreparably; there’s no cause for worry. Now please, sit quietly, and let me
concentrate.
(Silence.)
WOMAN
Oh, what shall I eat? What oh what shall
I eat, ‘m so hungry I could faint. I could eat my clothes ‘m so hungry.
(Looks at clothes, feels cloth, smells
them.)
Maybe with ketchup. Hee hee! Wasn’t
that funny darling? What a silly wife you’ve got! Don’t you think?
(MAN stares at her, profoundly unamused.
His glare has no effect on her. WOMAN begins to hum a song. MAN rises, paces,
scowls at her, shakes head, silent but for occasional sighs and grunts; paces.
Goes to window, peers out through slit in curtains, paces, hand on head,
muttering to himself.)
Darling? Honey? Sweety? Sweety Pie?
Sugar? Sugar Plum? Cookie Crumb? Muffin? Dumpling? Pudding Cup? Malted
Milk? Fudge Brownie? Strawberry Tart? Blueberry Cheese Cake? Apple Crisp?
Carrot Cake? Souffle? Croissant With Melted Margarine?
MAN
(Finally unable to bear any more,
screams. Then:)
Desist woman! Eat if you’re hungry! Eat
your hair, I don’t care, just so long as your mouth is stuffed!
WOMAN
(Giggles.)
Now honey, you know you won’t be able to
talk so loud when the baby comes. You should maybe get used to it now, so it
won’t be hard for you.
MAN
That’s good, that’s fine: I have no
desire to speak. I have no desire to listen. I just want peace, and quiet,
and nothing more. Do you understand?
(WOMAN giggles, shakes her head in
amusement. Sits in rocking chair, rocks, a dreamy expression on her face,
hands resting on vast belly. Long silence. MAN stops pacing, sits down and
resumes reading. Silence. Woman begins to hum a song.)
Would you refrain from soiling the air
with your cacophonous yodeling, thank you ‘d appreciate it.
WOMAN
I wasn’t yodeling, honey. I–
(MAN stares at her with contempt.
Pause.)
WOMAN
You’re getting old.
MAN
What?
WOMAN
You’re getting old and senile and
irritable. ‘ve just noticed.
MAN
I am not. ‘m maturing and becoming
seriously preoccupied with death, even more so than in my childhood. What of
it. It’s natural. So shut your gob.
(Woman chuckles.)
MAN:
(Looking in mirror:)
I look distinguished.
WOMAN
You have lines all over you. Like a
puzzle.
MAN
That’s called character.
WOMAN
And your breasts are sagging.
MAN
You’re not comical in the least.
WOMAN
And you never smile.
MAN
I haven’t smiled since birth, you know
that.
(WOMAN laughs.)
MAN
Since before that. Since I was a
zygote–no, a sperm.
WOMAN
Oh, yes. You were a happy little spermy.
Now you’re old.
MAN
Goddammit ‘m solemn and distinguished!
WOMAN
An empty cathedral.
(WOMAN giggles. Silence. WOMAN hums.
MAN looks at her with vague homicidal intent. Pause. WOMAN’S expression
begins to change and contort with surprise and pain, increasingly agonizing.)
Honey? . . . Honey. . . . Honey I
think it’s happening.
MAN
What did I just get done saying. I want
no speaking unless it’s of the utmost importance. And since nothing is of the
utmost importance, I don’t expect to hear anything spewing forth from that
abominable facial sphincter of yours. Is that clear?
WOMAN
Honey, please! Do something!
(Rises from chair. Freezes.)
My . . . I think my water just broke,
sweetheart! My water, darling! It’s broken! What shall I do, dear?! You’re
a doctor: do something!
MAN
I can’t fix your paltry water.
(Muttering, to himself:) Now alienation is a non sequitur given apperception
as the basis for empirical or a posteriori impressions, synthetic cognitions or
analytic conceptions, which–
(WOMAN continues shrieking, breathing
heavily, gasps, sweats, looks afraid and in pain, etc.)
Is there something the matter with your
brain?
WOMAN
What?
MAN
Your brain.
(Indicating:)
There.
WOMAN
(delerious with pain)
Not . . . that I . . . not right now not
(Moves to lie down next to wall.)
. . . well no not . . . yet, I . . . . .
. . honey!
MAN:
(In one breath:)
If the trouble’s not in the brain then
there’s little I can do now is there.
WOMAN
Come over here!
MAN
What is it, ‘m not your lap dog.
(Again to himself:)
Now where was I . . . Ah yes. . . .
Given apperception as the basis . . . analytic perceptions refute [a priori]
the very notion of a priori knowledge, not only of things-in-themselves but of
things-in-other-things and things-out-of-or-next-to-themselves, or of
things-in-between-themselves . . .
WOMAN
Can’t you do something? Can’t you take
the pain out?
MAN
Who am I, God?
WOMAN
This is your fault!
MAN
To what do you refer?
WOMAN
This is ALL YOUR FAULT!
MAN
Now there you go blaming everyone else
again for your troubles. Have you no decency, no dignity?
(Woman screams in pain.)
MAN:
(To himself:)
Now the fallacy of metaphysical solipsism
lies in the counterintuitive premise that the material reality . . .
WOMAN
You! You, you you . . . !
MAN
Stop speaking with exclamation points.
And don’t stutter, you sound like a mongoloid in need of a crack fix.
(Continuing:)
. . . that the material
reality—i.e., poultry, sand, wigs, washing machines, dinette sets,–
WOMAN
It’s coming! Oh my God, Oh my God It’s
comiiiiing!!
MAN
What, the apocalypse? Hallelujah. Been
waiting all my life. Let’s enjoy it in peace, shall we?
WOMAN
Sweetheart!
MAN:
(Continuing, to himself:)
. . . spatulas, feces, typewriters,
unicycles, light fixtures, ironing boards, egg beaters, gramophones, toasters,
mittens and so forth–
WOMAN
Sweetheart!
MAN
Desist, woman. You’re going to wake the
neighbors. You sound like a pig being slaughtered, they’ll be frightened.
They’ll think we’re engaged in some satanic ritual sex orgy and call the
landlady.
(WOMAN carries on.)
Good Christ, would you stop it woman?
(WOMAN carries on.)
‘m trying to think.
(WOMAN carries on.)
‘m trying to concentrate.
(WOMAN carries on.)
Are you mad?
(WOMAN carries on.)
Am I going to have to call a priest
again?
(WOMAN carries on.)
Drink some holy water.
(WOMAN carries on.)
Where’s that muzzle . . .
(WOMAN carries on more vociferously.)
I should have gotten a turtle instead of
a wife.
WOMAN
Honey! Honey, it’s happening!
MAN
Well maybe if you’d said your prayers or
gone to confession or something.
WOMAN
I can feel it!
MAN
What did you have for supper?
WOMAN
Aaaaargrrrghgg!
MAN
What did you eat today, woman? You
didn’t eat that leftover hotdish, did you?
WOMAN
It’s coming!
MAN
Are you having an erotic dream?, right in
front of me? It’s repulsive.
WOMAN
Ohh, oh, ah, ah, ooh, argh!
MAN
Who is he? Tell me who he is! Is it the
milkman again?
WOMAN
It’s coming! The baby! It’s
comIIINGGGG!
MAN
What?
WOMAN
The baby!
MAN
What, now?
WOMAN
Yes, now!
MAN:
(Checking watch:)
But it’s not time.
WOMAN
It’s here NOWW!
MAN
What a nuisance. ‘ve totally lost my
train of thought. You see what you’ve done? You’ve caused me to resort to
oral speech. And still I can’t hear myself think.
WOMAN
It wants out!
MAN
I wouldn’t. But little does it know.
WOMAN
I can’t hold it much longer . . .
MAN
Well try, please. At least let me finish
this chapter.
(WOMAN carries on during following:)
Let’s see now . . . come back to that . .
. footnote there . . . Yes, yes. Now: Deontological Necessity. Deontological
necessity substantiates refutation of phenomenological subjectivism and . . . .
and to postulate relativism as self-evident amounts to epistemological nihilism
which is a paradox which presupposes . . . contradicts its own premise that
prima facie obligations . . . negates the . . . in that . . . . therefore . . .
all things being equal . . . ipso facto . . .
WOMAN
Do something!
MAN
Quiet please! I must have quiet! Now,
what is required is a sublation of the dialectic between the supersensible and
the nonsensical, a synthesis which will assimilate and thus eradicate the false
dichotomy of–
WOMAN
Do sommmmethiiiing!
MAN
Like what for instance?
WOMAN
Help meeeee!
MAN
You want something to bite on? Well you
can’t use anything of mine.
WOMAN
You’re a doctor, DO SOMETHING FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD!
MAN
Now honey, I refuse to do ANYTHING for
the love of ‘God.’ I thought ‘d explained this.
WOMAN
Aaaahhhhh!
MAN
Quiet! Please! The neighbors!
(WOMAN screams.)
MAN
Am I going to have to gag you and stuff you
in the clothes hamper again?
(Man has continued pacing and pondering
throughout.)
WOMAN
Oh my God ‘m gonna die! Do something!
MAN
What am I going to do? ‘m not a woman,
I know nothing about these things.
WOMAN
You’re a doctor, you have to do
something!
MAN
Yes but not of medicine you ignoramus.
WOMAN
Help!
MAN
I tell you its’ nothing to do with me.
Now silence if you please!
(Woman continues screaming, moaning,
shouting, etc. Man continues to demand silence, more and more adamantly, until
both are shouting–she in labor, he for silence. [*The labor can take place
behind a piece of furniture, entirely concealed from the audience’s view.])
(The phone rings. The man screams. Goes
to the phone, rips it out from the wall, throws it out window.)
(A knock at the door. Voices: “What’s
going on in there? What’s all the racket? ‘m going to call the police in a
minute. It’s late. People are trying to sleep.” Etc.)
(Woman lets out sustained terrifying
scream of agony, which rises to a crescendo. This scream sets off a similar
scream in the man, which crescendos with hers until both are screaming with
deafening volume.)
(Then an abrupt and deafening silence.)
(Baby cries gurglingly, softly, then louder.
Man seems to be having a nervous breakdown.)
WOMAN
Honey, oh honey, it’s a girl, it’s
beautiful, it’s so beautiful!
(Baby cries.)
MAN
Is there no silence . . .
WOMAN
Isn’t it beautiful honey? Look at it!
Just look at it! Come here, honey! . . . Honey?
MAN
Is there no peace? Is there no solitude?
Is there no escape? Is there no hope?
Scene 2
(MAN sits at dinner table. Silence. MAN
is motionless, a hurt, ponderous, and somewhat agitated yet empty expression on
his face, staring down at plate.)
(WOMAN enters–still the smile, but now
it is clearly forced and involuntary–carrying pot of food, screeching in
crescendo as she approaches [gradually realizing the pot is burning her
hands]:)
WOMAN
Ooh, oh, ah, ah, ooooooh ow, ow,
owowowowowOWWWoo . . .
(She practically drops the pot onto the
table, setting it down rapidly and roughly.)
MAN
(Closes his eyes, otherwise remaining
motionless:)
Would you please refrain from primordial
screeching and howling and monosyllabic balked expressions of pain and use a
potholder next time, and for the sake of others set the crockery down gently
and in a polite manner. Thank you I would appreciate it.
(Pause. WOMAN sucks her fingers.)
WOMAN
It’s not a crockery, exactly . . .
(MAN looks at her searingly. She wilts,
sits. Silence.)
WOMAN
Should we say a prayer first?
(MAN stares at her virulently.)
WOMAN
I know you think it’s silly dear but it’s
tradition, we always did it when I was growing up . . .
MAN
You actually believe you’ve grown up, do
you?
WOMAN
You don’t have to join.
MAN
Thank you. I believe I shall abstain.
WOMAN
God our Father in Heaven, we thank thee
Lord for these thy gifts–
MAN
Christ! what trite banality and mindless
prattle might I go mad please?!
WOMAN
Darling, please.
MAN
Could we perhaps say it silently? Either
He hears, or he doesn’t. Thank you I would appreciate it.
(WOMAN, eyes closed, prays to herself.
MAN watches her, then turns away in disgust, then begins to scoop hotdish from
the pot onto his plate. Begins to eat apathetically.)
(When the WOMAN finishes praying she
makes the sign of the cross and then begins to eat quite vivaciously, hungrily,
yet almost reverently.)
(Silence. They eat.)
MAN
This is cold.
WOMAN
Oh no! ‘m so sorry, dear, ‘ll–
MAN
You can’t even call it hotdish.
WOMAN
‘ll warm it up for you, sweetheart.
(Begins to take his plate.)
MAN
Leave it.
(Silence. The MAN stares at his plate,
indifferently picking at his food, with an occasional glance laden with annoyed
disgust at the WOMAN. The WOMAN smiles and stares at the MAN.)
WOMAN
So how is the thesis coming?
MAN
Are you trying to spoil my dinner?
WOMAN
What? No, I just . . . I was just
wondering, whether, if, if you’d . . . ‘m sorry, dear. ‘ll change the
subject.
MAN
Thank you ‘d appreciate it.
(Pause.)
WOMAN
It looked like it would rain today, but
then–
MAN
Good Christ spare me for the love of God.
What are you, a meteorologist?
WOMAN
‘m sorry, I was just making–
MAN
You were making a fool of yourself and a
mockery of language and of the gift of speech, that’s what you were doing.
WOMAN
Oh. Yes, well I . . . I got a call from
Margaret, and she’s–
MAN
‘ve exchanged eighteen words with the
woman at most, none of which formed a single complete sentence; now do you
really think ‘m interested.
WOMAN
No. Not really I suppose.
MAN
You suppose.
WOMAN
Well I . . .
MAN
Please, can we just eat in peace?
(WOMAN nods. They eat, each looking at
the plates. Silence.)
WOMAN
Actually, there was–there is, something,
that ‘d–that I need to–that we should . . .
MAN
Stop stammering, collect your thoughts in
an organized fashion, say them to yourself–in your head, silently–and then,
when prepared and confident that you’ve something significant to contribute to
the external world, speak articulately, or at least coherently, in as few words
as possible or necessary. Thank you I would appreciate it.
WOMAN
(Pause.)
But I don’t know . . . ‘m not sure how
to . . .
MAN
What did I just say?
WOMAN
(Pause. With eyes closed, WOMAN mouths
the words; then:)
‘ve been thinking about having another
child.
(Cautiously opens her eyes. Silence.)
MAN
A what?
WOMAN
Well it’s just–‘ve been thinking, that
we could–
MAN
Have you been drinking?
WOMAN
I just–
MAN
Do you have a fever?
WOMAN
I thought, you know, since–
MAN
What, are you bored? Get a puppy. No,
don’t. Get a hobby. A quiet hobby. Knitting, for instance. Or better yet,
gardening; you can do it outside, spend all your time there from now on. With
the cucumbers. How’s that sound.
WOMAN
I just . . . I know that it’s–but I–the
thing is, is that ‘m . . . [This was so much easier the last time. . . .]
MAN
The last– . . . Don’t tell me. Don’t
say it. . . . Are you telling me– . . . Are you trying to tell me that
you’re– . . .
(Pause. WOMAN nods, downcast. Silence.)
MAN
Of course you realize I want nothing to
do with it. The decision’s entirely up to you. ‘ve no idea who the father
might be and ‘ve no desire to know. It doesn’t interest me in the slightest.
The question of whether you know who he is I find only mildly bemusing.
So let us end this discussion right now and eat our dinner in peace like
civilized people, agreed?
(Pause. WOMAN nods. They eat in
silence.)
MAN
(Thrusting down his silverware:)
I can’t eat this.
(Stares at WOMAN:)
So what did the Lord our Heavenly Savior
prepare for dessert this fine evening.
WOMAN
Oh. . . . Dessert. . . . Well, . . .
MAN
What. Did He not, in his infinite grace,
bestow a divine pastry upon us of some sort or another? Hmm?
WOMAN
Well, we’ve got . . . I think ‘ve got
some . . . There’s some leftover rice in the fridge I think. I could make a
pudding, if you don’t mind waiting–
MAN
Skip it please. Bring me an antacid. I
think ‘ll read a while.
WOMAN
Yes, all right dear. ‘ll be quiet. I
won’t make a peep.
MAN
If you begin to peep ‘ll have you
committed you realize.
WOMAN
Yes. ‘ll be quiet. You won’t even know
‘m here.
MAN
I always know you’re here.
WOMAN
Yes. ‘m sorry. But try to forget, and
‘ll try to forget too. That ‘m here. All right?
MAN
All right. Yes. Good. All right then.
(Rises from table, goes to chair center
stage, facing out, picks up thick book, reads. WOMAN eats, audibly. Long
silence, but for her eating, which MAN tries hard to ignore. Finally bursts
out:)
God almighty could you not chew so
confoundingly loudly, thank you I would appreciate it, thank you.
WOMAN
Oh! ‘m sorry dear.
MAN
You’ll be forgiven on judgment day.
WOMAN
Yes. ‘m sorry.
MAN
You said that already.
WOMAN
Did I? Oh yes, I did didn’t I. ‘m
sorry dear, I seem to have–
MAN
Don’t apologize for apologizing or I
shall be driven beyond the end of my wits where I currently hang and lose it
irretrievably.
WOMAN
Right, yes. ‘m sorr– I won’t, dear.
You’re right, as always.
MAN
Are you patronizing me?
WOMAN
No, I just–
MAN
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(WOMAN nods. Continues to eat as
silently as possible. MAN resumes reading. Silence. WOMAN has finished
eating. She yawns rather loudly, stretches audibly, stands–her chair loudly
scuffling back across the floor–begins to clear the table, clanking the
dishes.)
MAN
(Exasperated, thrusting book down on
lap:)
What is it?! Will you forget that you
exist if you do not constantly hear yourself moving about and performing
perfunctory bodily functions and banging things about? Is that it? Are peace
and serenity so terrifying to you that you must insist on puncturing them with
your strident buffoonery?!
WOMAN
What? I–
MAN
ShhhhhhhhHHHHHHHH!
WOMAN
‘m sorry dear, I–
MAN:
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(WOMAN bows head, proceeds to clear the
table as silently as humanly possible, periodically glances anxiously at the
MAN, who watches her. Now he resumes reading, glancing up at her only
occasionally, when the soft chink of a fork against a plate can be heard, etc.)
(Once all the plates are cleared, she
wipes off the table–the MAN watching her, unable to ignore the sound of the
cloth rubbing along the surface–and then exits into kitchen. Water heard
running, dishes clanking against each other and against the sink.)
I can hear that you know.
WOMAN
(calling, from kitchen:)
What dear?
MAN:
(Winces.)
Could you please discontinue this
industrious domestic enterprise if you cannot carry it out in a composed and
unobtrusive manner, thank you I would appreciate it.
WOMAN
What?
MAN
Tone down that clammer!
(Silence. MAN rubs temples, squinting as
though wrenched with a migraine, resumes reading. WOMAN returns, very slowly
and silently, stands wounded and dumbfounded, looking about the room, then staring
at the man in the chair. She stands, motionless and silent, watching him.
Silence. She sits, watches him. Rocks in chair–stops when it squeaks, sits
motionless. Watches him.)
MAN:
(Suddenly erupting:)
Desist, woman! For the love of Ezekiel,
cease, put an end to this torment can’t you?!
WOMAN
What?–I–
MAN
Is there nothing to look upon, nothing to
contemplate, nothing to busy yourself with but ME?!!?
(Pause.)
WOMAN
I . . . I don’t understand, dear, I–
MAN
Look elsewhere! Turn your ubiquitous
gawk upon other objects! Do not trap me beneath your inept microscope any
longer or I shall explode in an eruption of concentrated blood pressurized
beyond the brink by your spyglass magnifying dark eye! Please! I beg you!
Leave me be! Leave me in peace!
(He breaks down into tears. Baby heard
crying in the next room. The WOMAN stares at him.)
WOMAN
I . . . I don’t know what to say, I–
MAN
DON’T, SAY, ANYTHING! . . . Don’t make
a SOUND! Not a peep, not a whistle, not a hum, not a grumble, not a whisper,
not a shuffle, not a murmur, not a yawn, not a sigh, not a gasp, not a cry, not
a cough, not a wheeze, not a sneeze, not a noise! Silence, please! . . .
That’s all I ask. . . . Is that really so much to ask?
(Silence. The WOMAN stares at him.
Finally she stares at the floor. Silence but for the MAN’S soft sobs. He
covers his face with the book, burying himself.)
You see what you’ve made me do? My book
is all wet. It’s practically . . . it’s ruined, it’s soiled with . . . it’s
practically . . .
(Weeps. Pause.)
Could we have it dark please? Please
could we turn out the lights, have it all dark? Could we please?
(The WOMAN nods, goes to lamp, switches
it off.)
MAN:
(Sighing with unfathomable relief:) Ahhhh.
(Genuine:)
Thank you my dear. You are truly kind to
me. Now. Would you bring me my pills?
(WOMAN gropes over to table, stumbling
and stubbing her toe, releasing an involuntary shriek of pain.)
WOMAN
‘m sorry, ‘m so sorry, I didn’t mean
to–
MAN
It’s all right. My pills please.
(WOMAN proceeds to table, gets bottle of
pills, brings them to the MAN.)
Some water perhaps?
(Woman goes to kitchen. Water running.
Returns with glass.)
WOMAN
I ran the faucet as quietly as I could.
MAN
Bring it here.
(WOMAN sits on man’s lap, cradling his
head in her arms. He reacts as one startled by the sudden realization that
there are bugs crawling all over his body.)
No, no no, please, don’t do that, don’t
touch me, I don’t, I can’t . . . Please, just leave me be. ‘ll take it.
Please. Just let me alone.
(Silence. She rises, moves toward door,
stops, turns, stares at him; he swallows several pills; looks down, motionless;
she turns, exits. Silence, darkness.)
(Baby begins crying.)
(MAN stares intensely in front of him as
one seeing a ghost. Slowly begins to twitch. Baby cries, becoming louder.
MAN’S twitching becomes more frantic, his body contorting until he is having some
sort of seizure. Baby howling. WOMAN does not speak, only stares at him.
Starts to move toward him, then freezes, watches. When the seizure ends
[strangely in sync with the baby’s crying fading away into silence], the man’s
arms drop limply at his sides, head bows slightly, eyes downcast but staring
blindly outward. Motionless. Long silence.)
WOMAN
Honey?
(Long silence. Blackout.)
Scene 3
(Mother holds child, nurses it.
Man sits catatonic in chair.)
Baby cries.)
(Mother mutters SHHHHH.)
(Pause.)
(Baby cries.)
(Mother looks at man apprehensively.
(Baby cries.)
(Mother mutters SHHHHHH. You’ll wake
him.)
(Baby cries.)
WOMAN
Shh. He’s working. You’ll disturb him.
He’s concentrating. He’s working on his opus. Shhhh. Don’t interrupt him.
Shhhhhh.
(Baby cries.)
(Woman looks at man apprehensively.)
(Baby stops crying.)
(Woman relaxes. Rocks in chair. Eyes
shut.)
(Fade.)
Scene 4
(A small GIRL huddles in one corner, as
though trying to back out of the room through the walls, to melt into them. A
small BOY cowers under a small table up left, peering out. Very soft dim light
from a lamp on the table, the lamp shade draped over with translucent blue
cloth. The boy and the girl stare at the man [middle-age now], who sits in the
chair in the center of the room, same position, facing out, eyes staring as
into infinite space. Whispering, almost inaudibly, of the children. Then,
uncontrollably, the boy can be heard responding:)
BOY
No! We can’t.
GIRL
Shhhh!
(Hissing:)
Be quiet! He’ll hear you!
BOY
Shhhh!
(Whispering:)
Stop telling me to be quiet! He’ll hear
you!
GIRL
(Hissing:)
He will not.
BOY
Shhh!
GIRL
(Vicious whisper:)
‘m not being loud! You’re the one being
loud!
BOY
‘m not being anything!
(Silence. They stare at the MAN in
terrified anticipation.)
BOY
(Whispering:)
When’s Mom coming home?
GIRL
(Whispering:)
When do ya think, dickhead. Same time as
always.
BOY
(Whispering:)
But what time is it?
GIRL
(Whispering:)
How the hell should I know, dingus!
(Silence. They stare at the MAN. Their
dialogue continues, all in whispers:)
BOY
Look at the clock.
GIRL
I can’t see it. It’s too dark,
beetlebrain.
BOY
You could see it. If you tried.
GIRL
Then why don’t you look.
BOY
I can’t see it from here.
GIRL
Well neither can I, fishface.
BOY
Shhhhhh!
(Silence. They stare at the MAN.)
I wanna go.
GIRL
Go where.
BOY
Anyplace. Out.
GIRL
You’re crazy and an imbi-sile.
BOY
I don’t wanna stay here.
GIRL
Mom’ll kill you.
BOY
Bet she won’t.
GIRL
How much.
BOY
What?
GIRL
Shhhh!
BOY
How much what?
GIRL
How much you wanna bet Mom kills you.
BOY
(Thinks.)
Mmmm. . . . Fifty dollars.
GIRL
You ain’t got no fifty dollars.
BOY
It don’t matter cause ‘ll win.
GIRL
What if ya lose, dummy?
BOY
(Thinks.)
Then ‘ll be dead.
GIRL
But you’ll still have to pay.
BOY
Will not.
GIRL
Oh yes you will.
BOY
You can have all my stuff. Except for my
Weebles.
GIRL
Wha’do I want your junk for, dingbat?
BOY
You could sell it.
GIRL
For fifty dollars?
BOY
Sure.
GIRL
No way.
BOY
I bet you could.
GIRL
How much.
BOY
What?
GIRL
Shhhhh! I said How much?
BOY
How much what?
GIRL
SHHHHH!
(Silence. They stare at the MAN.)
GIRL
He heard you.
BOY
Did not.
GIRL
Bet he did. He’s gonna tell Mom.
BOY
Bet he won’t.
GIRL
How much.
BOY
What?
GIRL
Shhhhhhh.
BOY
Shhh! Don’t shush so loud!
GIRL
Be quiet!
BOY
Shhhhh!
(Silence. They stare at the MAN.)
BOY
Do you think he can see us?
GIRL
I think he’s blind.
BOY
But can he tell we’re here? That we’re
talking about him?
GIRL
How should I know?
BOY
I hope he can’t.
GIRL
I bet he can. I bet if he could move
he’d strangle us.
BOY
Shut up!
GIRL
Shhhhhh!
(Pause.)
BOY
I think he knows we’re here.
(Long silence. Footsteps heard faintly
beyond the door, then keys rattling, the key fumbling in the lock. They stare
at the door, then at the man, then at door again. WOMAN enters with extreme
caution and stealth, peeking in first; still with the fixed smile.)
BOY
Mom!
(The BOY scurries from beneath the table
and, kneeling, hugs her legs, whimpering.)
WOMAN
Shhhhh!
BOY
She said you were gonna kill me.
WOMAN
Who?
GIRL
Did not. Liar pants.
WOMAN
Sh, sh, sh, sh, shhhhhh.
BOY
Can we go outside?
WOMAN
What for?
BOY
Can we?
WOMAN
Noooooo.
BOY
Please?
WOMAN
No, honeylamb. ‘ve told you, there’s
all kinds of trains and cars and buses that’ll run you over and squish you and
men with sharp knives and ugly crazy people just looking to kidnap little boys
like you and take you home so they can make you do awful things in their
bathrooms. Haven’t I told you that?
(The BOY nods.)
Now we don’t want that, do we?
(The BOY shakes his head–still hugging
her legs, now burying his face in them.)
Now let Mommy go, honeylamb.
(The BOY shakes his head–still buried in
her legs.)
If you let Mommy go, Mommy might let you
watch some TV later.
GIRL
With the sound on?!
WOMAN
Shhhh!
(WOMAN stares anxiously–but still
smiling–at MAN in chair. Pause.)
No, honey, now ‘ve told you it’s too
loud, it disturbs Daddy. Daddy’s trying to work, he needs peace and quiet.
GIRL
I know.
WOMAN
Did he say anything today?
GIRL
No.
(WOMAN looks down at BOY, who looks up at
her, shakes his head, buries it.)
WOMAN
Hm. Well, he must be concentrating very,
very hard then. We should be quiet and let him think, O.K.?
GIRL
Can we watch TV???
WOMAN
If you’re reeeeally quiet, and reeeeally
good, then we’ll see. O.K.?
GIRL
O.K.
WOMAN
Now, who’s hungry.
BOY
I am! I am!
GIRL
Shhhh!
WOMAN
(To both:)
Shhhhh! Now if you’re not good,
nobody’ll be eating anything.
BOY
(Whispering almost inaudibly:) Can we go to McDonald’s?
GIRL
Can we?
WOMAN
Nooooo. Mom’s gonna make you a nice
hotdish. And then we can eat right here at home, where it’s nice and peaceful.
(GIRL crosses her arms and huffs. BOY
mopes. MOTHER goes into another room.)
Scene 5
WOMAN
It’s going to be magnificent!
GIRL
What’s it going to be?
WOMAN
Who knows?: An epic poem, a painting, a manifesto maybe–
BOY
A manifesto!
WOMAN
Who knows?
GIRL
When?
WOMAN
Who knows?
BOY
Oh, I can’t wait!
WOMAN
You must.
BOY
I can’t.
GIRL
I can’t either!
WOMAN
I can’t either. But we must. His opus: that’s what it’s going to be. All
his greatness will come out. An opus.
BOY
& GIRL
(In reverent awe:)
An opus!
Scene 6
GIRL
Why doesn’t he speak?
BOY
He’s saving his strength.
WOMAN
Yes, he’s saving himself. He’s going to save us all.
GIRL
When?
WOMAN
Who knows.
BOY
Can’t we ask him?
WOMAN
We can’t disturb him.
GIRL
I think he’s already disturbed.
WOMAN
Then we must stop. We must be quiet. Absolutely silent, and invisible.
GIRL
Can’t we help him?
WOMAN
You can’t rush these things, now. These things take time. All the time in
the world, sometimes.
BOY
Do we have that long?
WOMAN
Sure we do. It’ll all be worth the wait. Trust me. Trust your dear mother.
GIRL
Maybe if we pay him.
WOMAN
Oh no, he can’t be bribed, that won’t work.
BOY
Maybe we could prod and poke him.
GIRL
Idiot.
BOY
Well maybe if we kissed and hugged him and showed we loved him.
GIRL
Don’t you dare!
WOMAN
Oh no, no no, he doesn’t like to be touched. If there’s one thing he can’t
stand it’s to be touched. Or looked at, or–Stop looking at him! What did I
just say? . . . We’re being too loud. We have to be quiet.
BOY
Oh no . . .
WOMAN
What is it?
BOY
Oh, oh, uh oh, I think . . .
WOMAN
What? What is it? Tell me calmly and quietly.
GIRL
(Terrified:) I think he’s going to sneeze!
WOMAN
Oh no, no, you mustn’t!
(Boy continues trying to stifle a
sneeze.)
GIRL
Get him out of here!
WOMAN
Come on, let’s go into the kitchen. Hurry now, come on. But quietly.
(Woman nudges boy into kitchen, girl
pushing him along.)
GIRL
Get goin, nut ball. You’re gonna ruin everything.
Scene 7
(Girls coughs. In whispers:)
BOY
Stop that! Don’t do that!
(They both look anxiously at man.)
BOY
What’s the matter with you.
GIRL
My throat hurts. I can’t help it.
BOY
Well you better start helping it.
(Girls coughs.)
BOY
Are you nuts?! What are you trying to do?!
GIRL
‘m sorry! Really!
BOY
Eat a cough drop! Something!
(Woman enters hurriedly. Still in
whispers:)
WOMAN
Shhhh! What’s going on? What’s all the racket?
BOY
It’s her. She’s the one.
GIRL
‘m sorry! (Coughs.)
WOMAN
Oh my Word! Oh no, no you mustn’t, you can’t!
(Girls continues to cough.)
WOMAN
Are you sick? Oh no, you can’t be sick. This is terrible.
BOY
She won’t stop. I told her.
WOMAN
Come on. Let’s go out.
BOY
She gets to go outside? No way! No fair!
WOMAN
No, we’re just going to take her to her room now. Come on.
(Hurriedly pushing girl out.)
WOMAN
You’ll just have to stay in here for a while. Just until you’re better.
Scene 8
(Boy and girl a few years older. Still
in whispers, except when shouting [indicated by capitals].)
GIRL
I jammed a scissors into his leg.
BOY
What on earth did you do that for?
GIRL
He didn’t move.
BOY
He’s thinking! He’s concentrating!
GIRL
I think he’s dead.
BOY
‘m gonna tell mom.
GIRL
He smells funny. Like old eggs.
BOY
So what. Hygiene is a distraction, don’t you see? You’re so
bourgeois sometimes.
GIRL
No no NO!
BOY
SHHHH!
GIRL
I mean, ‘m saying, I really think he’s dead.
BOY
Don’t you say that. Don’t you ever say that! Don’t you EVER, SAY
THAT, EVER, AGAIN!
GIRL
SHHHHHHHHHHH! Are you nuts? Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet!
(Pause.)
BOY
Sorry.
GIRL
Well you ought to be.
BOY
See! You see! You don’t really think he’s dead.
(Pause.)
GIRL
It’s still in there.
BOY
What?
GIRL
The scissors. It’s right there.
BOY
(Gasps.) Oh! Oh God. (Doesn’t know whether to pull it out or not.
Stares at it, wincing.)
GIRL
See what I mean?
BOY
He must be concentrating really hard.
Scene 9
(The same chair. The same man, only much
older. Long white hair and beard. Same clothes, same position. Still in
whispers:)
GIRL
I can’t take this. I don’t know how much longer this can go on.
BOY
Shh. We have to be patient. Can’t you be quiet?
GIRL
I could just scream, I just want to scream, ‘m going to scream–
BOY
(Hissing:) Are you crazy?
GIRL
I can’t help it, I can’t take it, ‘m going to–
BOY
Are you out of your everloving mind?
(Girl moans softly, like some kind of
animal. Boy puts hand over her mouth.)
BOY
You’ve lost your mind!
(Gradually girl’s moan dies off. Pause.
She begins to giggle uncontrollably beneath his hand.)
BOY
What’s the matter with you?
GIRL
(Giggling:) I was just thinking . . .
BOY
Shhhhhh.
GIRL
I was just thinking, what if we laughed? We’ve never laughed. What
if we, what would happen if we–
BOY
(Smothering her with both hands, glancing over his shoulder
apprehensively at man:) Stop it you lunatic. We can’t. And we’re not going
to. Are we.
(Girl giggles beneath his hand.)
BOY
(More fiercely:) Are we!
(Girl’s laughter, still subdued but more
uncontrollable, maniacal.)
BOY
ARE WE!
(Girl puts her hands over boy’s mouth;
boy’s hands remain over hers. Girl’s laughter gradually dies down.)
BOY
That’s more like it. Now are you going to be sane and reasonable?
(Girl nods.)
BOY
If I take my hands away you’re not going to do anything stupid?
You’re not going to laugh?
(Girl shakes her head.)
(Boy slowly removes hands.)
BOY
You had me worried there for a minute.
GIRL
(Now solemn and sad, distant:) I was just thinking, that’s all.
BOY
Well that was not funny.
GIRL
No. I don’t know what came over me.
Scene 10
BOY
Shhh! Listen!
(The man begins to mutter in a harsh,
choked manner, barely audible.)
GIRL
I hear it!
BOY
Do you hear it?!
GIRL
I said I hear it, didn’t I?
BOY
Look! Look at that!
(The man begins to twitch very slightly.
He seems to be trying to speak, but choking on the words, suffocating, his
throat blocked.)
(They scrutinize him. His twitching
grows more frantic, the struggle to excavate the words clogging his being grows
more tortured. Then he stops. Motionless as before.)
(Boy and girl look at each other.)
Scene 11
WOMAN
His vocal chords have atrophied. Over the years. The interminable years.
GIRL
If only he’d . . . exercised them once or twice.
BOY
If only he’d greeted us, or even scolded us.
GIRL
If only he’d laughed.
BOY
Or cried.
GIRL
Did you ever hear him laugh?
WOMAN
No.
BOY
Or cry?
GIRL
No. Never.
BOY
Me either.
WOMAN
I think I did . . . once . . . I can’t remember . . .
BOY
I think he’s always wanted to speak, but . . . maybe he finished it
a long time ago, only he just couldn’t . . .
GIRL
Of course he couldn’t. Look at him.
BOY
But maybe . . . if only . . . if only . . .
Scene 12
DOCTOR:
(Covering his mouth and nose with a handkerchief.) How long has he been like
this?
GIRL
Always.
BOY
Yes, always.
DOCTOR:
But that can’t be. . . .
(Woman enters.)
WOMAN
Who is this? (Pause.) Well, somebody tell me who this is.
(Boy and girl look at floor.)
DOCTOR:
‘m a doctor, ma’am.
WOMAN
Well there’s no one sick here. Please, if you don’t mind . . .
DOCTOR:
I was called, I–
WOMAN
Please, keep your voice down. Really, I don’t want to be rude, but we can’t
have visitors. It’s bad enough the three of us being here, but if–
DOCTOR:
(Still covering his mouth. Softly:) Are you aware that this man–
WOMAN
(Whispering:) Please, doctor, not so loud. You’ll disturb him.
DOCTOR:
(In a still quieter tone:) But this man is dead.
WOMAN
(Whispering:) Nonsense. Are you a real doctor?
DOCTOR:
(Holding out man’s wrist [still in soft tone, just above a whisper]:) See for
yourself. There’s no pulse. He’s–
WOMAN
Please, doctor, don’t do that, don’t touch him, he doesn’t like to be
touched. And there’s no need to raise your voice.
DOCTOR:
(Whispering:) He’s cold as an oyster. He’s already begun to . . . to
decompose.
WOMAN
He’s composing it all before-hand, in his head. It’s all in his head. He’s
only in a state of very deep concentration. He’s composing his opus.
DOCTOR:
I don’t think you quite understand.
WOMAN
I don’t think you understand. He’s going to save us all. Any day now, he’s
going to finish it.
DOCTOR:
That’s all very well, but–
WOMAN
And when he does, when he speaks, ‘ll be ready with pen and pad to take down
every word. And then–
DOCTOR:
Look, ‘m afraid this can’t go on. You simply can’t– . . He’s going to have
to go.
WOMAN
What do you mean? Go where? This is his home, you can’t–
DOCTOR:
This is highly unprecedented–though ‘m not sure it’s against the law, but at
any rate the smell alone will arouse suspicion. You’ll be evicted and I
guarantee there will be–
WOMAN
(Hissing:) Doctor, please! Must you speak so loudly?!
DOCTOR:
(Whispering:) Well there will be a fiasco is what there’ll be. ‘m sorry,
but there’s no choice.
WOMAN
Get out.
DOCTOR:
Madam, I–
WOMAN
Get, out! Now! You’ll interrupt his train of thought and then there’s no
telling . . . he may never get back on track. There’s just no telling . . .
Just go and don’t come back.
(Pause. Resignedly, doctor leaves.)
(Woman stares angrily at girl, shakes her
head.)
WOMAN
What have I told you about using the phone young lady?
GIRL
But–
WOMAN
It won’t happen again, now will it. No. I know it won’t because ‘m
throwing it away. Why do think it was unplugged, hmmm? Do you know what might
have happened? Can you imagine what would have happened if someone had called,
if that phone had rung right in the middle of . . . Ooh, I just don’t know
what gets into you sometimes. Go to your room and stay there and for God’s
sake be quiet! (As girl leaves:) There’s just no telling . . .
Scene 13
*Note on set change: Rather than have
the man rise and walk off stage, the chair should be wheeled out with him on
it, and then returned empty.
(The same chair, in same position. On it
sits a brain in a jar. Complete silence. Whispering:)
WOMAN
Some day . . . Some day it’ll be finished. . . .
OR:
(Empty chair in same position, still dark
and silent. Whispers:)
BOY
Now what? Mom? What now? Who’s going to save us?
WOMAN
Your father. He’ll save us. He’ll finish it. You wait and see.
GIRL
What do you mean? He’s gone. He’s not here. Look.
(They all look at chair.)
WOMAN
Ah. But he’s in Heaven, don’t you see?: he’s in heaven right now, working
on his opus. And some day . . . Some day . . .
OR:
BOY
Now what? Mom? What now? Who’s going to save us?
WOMAN
What do you mean?
BOY
He never finished it. He couldn’t tell us. And now . . .
WOMAN
There’s still time. He’ll finish it. Just be quiet, O.K.? Let’s just be
very quiet so as not to disturb him.
GIRL
Disturb who? What do you mean?
WOMAN
What do you mean?
GIRL
Mom, you . . . Don’t you see, . . .
WOMAN
Don’t worry. It won’t be long now.
BOY
But . . . but he’s gone, Mom. He’s gone. He’s not here. Look.
WOMAN
Are you all right? Do you have a fever? Are you . . .
BOY
Mom, look: it’s empty.
WOMAN
I think you need to go lie down.
BOY
No, Mom, look. (Goes to chair, begins to sit in it.)
WOMAN
Nooooo! What are you doing?! Don’t do that, don’t touch him, don’t interrupt
him! He doesn’t like that! He doesn’t like it when you touch him! You’re
going to–
BOY
(Stopped sitting when she screamed.) All right, Mom, all right. ‘m
sorry.
WOMAN
(Sighs with relief.) You’re trying to give me a heart attack. You’re trying
to kill your dear old mother.
BOY
No, Mom, I wasn’t–I just wanted to . . .
WOMAN
Let’s just be quiet now, hmm?
BOY
All right. (Pause.) ‘m going to go lie down.
WOMAN
Yes, you do that. Try not to snore too loudly, hmm?
BOY
O.K., Mom. ‘ll be quiet. From now on.
WOMAN
That’s good. You’re a good boy.
BOY
I know, Mom.
WOMAN
Good night.
BOY
Good night, Mom. ‘ll see you in the morning.
WOMAN
All right. But don’t set your alarm clock!
BOY
No. I won’t.
WOMAN
‘ll get you up.
BOY
All right. Good night.
WOMAN
Good night.
(Girl stares at chair, then at woman,
then at chair.)
(Silence.)
(Fade.)
*To whom it may concern: of the three, I
consider the last to be superior.