The Ventriloquist
a play in one act
by
dustin hansen
Man (the Ventriloquist): a clown by day and coroner by night, late middle age
Three corpses: Harvey Hull Hardy, the male bride
Miss Nomisser [pronounced with first syllable stressed], a suicide
Ann Onimous
The Inspector
A woman and her husband
| SETTING: | Late. A dingy dim basement room. The only lighting comes from a single bare bulb dangling from ceiling, which hangs too low so that it is frequently bumbed into by one’s head and swings back and forth casting strange animated shadows along the walls. Also a fluorescent bulb suspended over several dead cacti and other withered plants on a shelf. (Possibly bulbs around the mirror in the manner of a stage makeup mirror.) |
| AT RISE: |
Upstage: a fridge. A mirror on upstage wall. Elsewhere a poster of Bela Lugosi, one of Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody, and one of “Taxi Driver”; [if these are unavailable the walls should be bleak and barren], paint peeling. A couch. A large trunk. A large chalk board. Standing against wall, a female body, a noose like a necktie dangling from its neck. Another body lying face up on table [this could be a card table or a coffee table, nothing remotely medical] — a man of massive stature [or of short but bulky stature] in a flowing white wedding gown that is either greatly oversized or much too small. A third body, on an ironing board, shrouded in a body bag. The distinct odor of formaldehyde permeates the room; [this can be simulated by mixing Windex and mothballs]. Long silence. Very little light. (**The corpses, played by real actors, should retain the illusion of being dead until indicated. Due to rigor mortis, they remain perfectly positioned in any posture they are put in, until physically moved — like agile mannequins.) At “rise”:(Footsteps are heard off, descending stairs. Door opens, man in clown suit enters wearily, mopily, perhaps with a bag or suitcase [possibly the suitcase is covered with travel stickers, but if so they must all be from the same place–Milwaukee or Warsaw, perhaps]. He sets satchel down as he sighs heavily and collapses into slouching position on couch. Stares vacantly out. Head drops, stares vacantly down at floor. Emits heavy sigh. Head rises, stares vacantly out. Emits heavy sigh accompanied by exaggerated shoulder shrug. [All this should be prolonged.] Finally rises, begins taking off red nose, wig, false beard and other such trappings — but leaving big floppy shoes on feet. As he does this, gets a straight drink; [drinks from either a Pyrex beaker or a children’s plastic cup with Oskar the Grouch on it]; scowls as he drinks. Dumps the rest of his drink in the plant pots. |
(as he waters:)
Morning, kaka-tussies. How didst thou sleepy-weep? No? Not a winky? I nither. But ist for the bescht. You can sleepy-weepy when your deady-weddy. Am I wrong? (Pause. To one cactus in particular, pointing:)
You tell me I’m wrong one more time and I’ll disown you, blasphemer! I’ll have you exiled! I’ll eat you up like a pickled pickly-wick! So just keepy that in mind. Just remember who you’re talking to.
(Pause.)
Still? You Mexicans lap it up like a dead catfish. Obey Kabey.
(Goes to fridge; [in the fridge can be seen various jars, bottles, vials and test tubes containing strange-looking fluids of peculiar colors, and other such oddities]. He takes out a carton of milk, swigs from it, spits with revulsion, wipes mouth, shakes his head rapidly and twitchingly, looks around for a place to dump the milk [there is no garbage, no sink]. Dumps remainder of curdled milk in plant pots.)
(To plants:)
There. I’ve loved you. Now grow! Grow! What are you waiting for?! The seven pestilency-wencies?! Come on! I’ve loved you like only a peppered leper can love! (Pause.)
Fine. I see how it is. See if I ever talk to you again. You’ll be stickery midgits the rest of your days! And there will be no pity for you. You’ve had your chance. No, don’t talk to me. I don’t even want to hear it.
(Goes to fridge again. [The door of the fridge has remained open.] Gets ice. Refills his drink. Collapses back on couch.
To female corpse with noose, which leans against wall, in voice which will become known as his ‘normal’ voice:)
High-deadly-who, Miss Nomisser. How was your day this fine day.
(In another voice [female] the mans speaks as though from outside himself [this voice is that of the standing female corpse with the noose around her neck, Miss Nomisser]:)
Boore-ring.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Now that’s too bad. That’s just coughin awful’s what that is. That’s something I don’t like to hear. They do seemy-weem to draggy-wag, don’t’ they. You should get out more. Or find a hobby wobbly. Where’s your get-up-and-go? Where’s your will to live?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
It’s in my other pants.
(In ‘normal’ voice, to male bride on table:)
And what did you do this grimy gray day, Harvey-warvy?
(In voice of man in wedding gown lying on table [this can be either a husky throaty male voice or a very hgh-pitched and itchy female voice, but should be distinctive]:)
Oh nothin much. Just laid around mostly.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Here? You didn’t go out? What are you, an imitation hermit crablet leg now?
(In male bride’s voice:)
I just didn’t feel like moving.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You know what your problembem is? You’re lazy-azy. You got no ambitchin. Are you depressededed or what.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Naw. Well sometimes, fairly often, usually, invariably yes as a matter of fact I’m depressededed.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
That’s not a matter of fact, Harvery. That’s what’s called a matter of opinionion.
(In male bride’s voice:)
It is?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yes it is Harvey-warvy. Sorry to disappointilate you.
(In male bride’s voice:)
I hadn’t realized I’d been appointilated to anything.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I said dis
appointilate, not un
appointilate Harvey-warvy.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Oh, did you. Well then. Well don’t worry because I’m always disappointilated. About everything. There’s nothing that appoints me it seems.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Ah you’ve not got it so baaaaad.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Nah. But it’s just not how I thought it’d be.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well how’d ya think it’d be?
(In male bride’s voice:)
. . . I’m not sure. . . . But it ought to be different somehow.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
That’s your opinionion.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Yes, it is my opinionion. And if you want to know, since you asked, then in my opinionion, I’m never undisappointilated nor neither never undepressededed.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well ya know they got pilly willy’s now’ll undepress ya right up, chuck. I’ll pick ya up some. Might just grab me self a wittle bottumbler.
(Sits on couch, drinking. Pause. Ponders.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You hungrief?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Who me?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No not you. You’re on a die-it young my lid-de-lie-de-low-delay-la-daddy. (To male bride:)
Harvey? Whatd’ya sake? A little Chinky suppy? Chinesey diny?
(Man [in male bride’s voice] grunts. Man goes to phone, dials, waits.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yesigh there. I
would liiiiike
. . . some eggy rollies. With nice fried ricey, oodles of ricey noodles and some a those there ‘crabby rangunies.’ Can ya do that for me? . . . How
much? . . . Oh, woe. Okie doke. My address is 606 — do you know where the morgue’s at? . . . Morgue. . . The morgue, like where you — M O R G U E. . . . O.K. look: you know where Tacorama’s at? . . . Well cause it’s just a block over, on the left, brick building with pillars in front. I’m in the basement, you go around back and– . . . Pillars. No no, not pills,– . . No no no, not pillows, I said — you know like ‘pillars of the community’? . . . NOOO-OH, it’s nothing to do with pilgrims. . . . O.K. listen: you can’t miss it. If I just give you my address you think you can find it? . . . Whatta you mean ‘take out only’? . . . Well why didn’t you say so. . . . I mean right off the bat there. Crime-mini I never. . . . No, I don’t have a car. . . . No, I don’t have a bicycle. . . . You tryin’da be funny sonny? Listen, you’re not the only ones with noodles in this town, my friend. . . . Yes, ‘HAHA.’ ‘HA, HA.’ . . . Yes, BYE, BYE. (Hangs up.) Bloody foreigners. Everywhere you go these days. Like skeeters. Why can’t they just learn to speak English like everyone else in the world? (Emits heavy sigh.) Well now what. Maybe a milk twitch.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
What about some burrito soopreemos?
(Turns to body; in ‘normal’ voice:)
You kidding? You want me to get the toots? Is that what you want: for me to get the toots? Well is it? You just don’t think sometimes, Miss Nomisser. You can be a real dummy sometimes.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Howsabout Lenny’s Pizza Palace?
(Turns to male bride’s body; in ‘normal’ voice:)
You want I should buy pizza from a stinking Scandenaviangle? Dummy, what is the mat-turd with you. I mean where is your heady-weddy, some O.K.shuns Harvey. . . . Well we’ll just be domesticky-talky this evening, won’t weak. What do you feel like?
(In male bride’s voice:)
I don’t know.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You feel lilke a piece of meat?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Maybe.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well I don’t think we’ve got any.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Don’t trifle with me, it’s not gentlemanly.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Feel like a pickle?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Have you got a pickle?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
How should I know.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Well look.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
All right. I’ll look, since I’m the one who has to do everything.
(Goes to fridge, looks inside, perhaps takes out a few bottles and jars, holding them up to scrutinize their contents by the light of the fridge. [There is little, but some, food — mainly a jar of pickles, ketchup, mustard, mayonaisse and other condiments; perhaps an aging carton of Chinese take-out.] Long pause as he looks.)
(Still hunched over with head in fridge; in voice of his Mother:)
Jeeeeffryyy. Are we in the fridge?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Uh, um, ah, no Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
Then what do we do.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
We turn the light out Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
That’s right Jeffry.
(He shuts the fridge door. During the following, gets drink or two.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
But you don’t know the light goes out.
(In Mother’s voice:)
Don’t you tell me what I know Jeffery. Only do as I say.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yes Mother. (Imitating ‘Psycho’:)
"Noooormaan."
(In Mother’s voice:)
What did you say Jeffry?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Nothing Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
Don’t you tell me "nothing."
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I’ll try not to Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
And where have you been, Jeffry.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I’ve been at work Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
At work where.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I’ve been entertaining Mother. Just like always.
(In Mother’s voice:)
Entertaining whom Jeffery?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Entertaining the kiddies Mother. Just like always.
(In Mother’s voice:)
Well I’ve been worried sick Jeffry. Just like always.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I have too Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
I hope you’re happy.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I’m happy Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
Jeffry. What a thing to say.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What Mother?
(In Mother’s voice:)
That you’re happy about your poor old mother being sick.
(In ‘normal’ voice, with excited glee:)
Are you sick Mother?
(In Mother’s voice:)
I’ll be dead soon you know Jeffry. And then what’ll you do.
(Man smiles. Rubs his hands together.)
(In Mother’s voice:)
What’ll you do with yourself then I’d like to know. (Pause.) Jeffry?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yes Mother?
(In Mother’s voice:)
I’m going to have some pudding and watch Ed Sullivan now.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
O.K. Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
You want some pudding?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No thank you Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
You sure? It’s your favorite: Pistachio.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
That’s all right Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
But I made a whole box. You want it to go to waste?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You can have my helping Mother.
(In Mother’s voice, a sing-song threat:)
If you don’t eat it I’ll throw it away.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
All right Mother.
(Pause.)
(In Mother’s voice:)
So I can have your helping then?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yes Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
But not your help. Right, Jeffry?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
That’s right Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
Thank you Jeffry.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
For what Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
For saving it for me.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Saving what Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
Yourself, Jeffry. For saving yourself for me.
(Pause.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You’re welcome Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
The Beatles are going to play, Jeffry.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What are they going to play? Twister?
(In Mother’s voice:)
You’re not coming up?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No thank you Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
O.K. Well you have fun now. And be good.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I will Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
You know where to find me. If you wanna come and be with me.
(Pause. Footsteps heard above, receding. Man listens until they fade away. [Footsteps may be omitted, but their inclusion will add ambiguity to the Man’s malady and include audience members momentarily in this malady — lending it a validity lacking in mere psychotic play-acting. That is, there may or may not in fact be such a mother.])
(Long pause.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well then. (checks watch.) Let’s get to work then. It’s time to wake up. To grow up and be a man for a moment or two.
(He gets false beard and red nose back out of trunk, puts them on.)
There.
(He pulls a string, clicking on single bulb in ceiling; [light is now a harsh white that grates the eyes and must be adjusted to]. Goes to trunk to get Coroner’s smock, puts it on.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Ahhh now we’re in business. I never feel quite myshelfish until I’ve got on my schmocky-wok.
(Gets [from trunk] out tool kit, from which he removes a scalpel and some forceps. [Also in the tool kit are such things as hammers, pliers, saws, and other ordinary household tools.] Goes over to table on which male bride lies, clears his throat, pulls up his sleeves, begins to undo the dress. Stops.)
I’m starving, by gumbo. (Starts for fridge. Stops. Looks up, listens. Goes to door, listens; opens it a crack, sticks head out, looks up; listens; closes door softly. Tip-toes over to fridge, looks around, takes out a sandwich or a hotdog in a Ziplock bag.) Mmmmmm. Yummy mummy. (Gets another drink, this one with ice. Shuts fridge door, starts toward male bride. Stops. Smiles. Goes back to fridge, opens door, leaving it open.)
(In male bride’s voice:)
What about my pickle?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
All in good time, my boy. All good things to those who wait.
(Resumes task of undoing male bride’s gown as he eats sandwich. Once chest area has been exposed, he picks up scalpel [sandwich still in other hand] and is about to make an incision, when:)
(In male bride’s voice:)
Wait, Doctor.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What for.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Aren’t we going to sit down to a nice meal together, like a real family?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What, you want to bond or something?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Yes, why not. Let us bond. Let us share Let us–
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Oh all right. (Glances about:)
But I’ve not got a tabliture.
(In male bride’s voice:)
You’re such a confirmed bachelor, all alone, no table. I’m surprised you’ve not lost your marbles. Don’t you get lonely?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I live in my living
room. What’s so wrong about that? What could be more normal?
(In male bride’s voice:)
You should have a guest room.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What, for you dead beats?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Well surely. A dying room.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Don’t you mean dining?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Pah.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
And pah to you. (Pause.)
Say there, spanky. What’s that word mean?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Which, "Pah"?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Naturally "Pah." You don’t mean like what a dead dog walks on, do ye?
(In male bride’s voice:)
How should I know. You’re the one who said it.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I think you’re all mixed up. It was you
, Miss Nomisser.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Well I think it’s something like "phooey," anyway.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Pah. Pah is nothing like phooey.
(In male bride’s voice:)
I beg to differ.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You’ll be on your kneesy-wheezies until the cowsie-wowsie pies come home from the mooney.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Say what you will. They’re the same.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You want me to write them on the chalk board for you? They neither look nor sound anything alike. They’re two different animals.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Put them on the board if you’re of the mind. That won’t change what they mean. When I say them, they mean what I mean them to mean. Pure and simple.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Why, because you say so? Who in Heaven’s outhouse are you, Pinnochio?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Now what on earth is that meant to mean?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Maybe I meant to say Humpty Dumpty. And maybe (uses onomonopia for the "slip":) slip-knot. That’s my pointer, I arrest my casing.
That wasn’t your pointer, that was my pointer.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No, that was Pinnochio’s pointer.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Humpty.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Humpty’s pointer. Next you’re going to tell me that Mumbo means the same as Jumbo.
(In male bride’s voice:)
No. I would never lie to you.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Pah! Are you kidding me?
(In male bride’s voice:)
No siree. I would never kid about something like that.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Okey dokey then, jokey. I’ll take your word for it.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Don’t take my
word.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Why not? I trust you like a gypsy.
(In male bride’s voice:)
How does a gypsy trust?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Phooey on your face.
(In male bride’s voice:)
What do you mean?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Nothing. The same thing as you.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Give me back my word.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
And if I refuse?
(In male bride’s voice:)
You can’t.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Why not.
(In male bride’s voice:)
You haven’t yet fused.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You lie.
(In male bride’s voice:)
You have to fuse before you can refuse. Or else you’re not refusing anything.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I refuse to believe that.
(In male bride’s voice:)
There’s an order to things. And to undermine that order would be to . . . to overthrow it. Overtake it. Undertake it. And then where would you be? Respond.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I refuse.
(In male bride’s voice:)
No, you’re right. You can’t. Naturally you refuse. How can you? You haven’t even sponded yet. How can you respond before you’ve sponded? How can you rebutt before you’ve butted? I ask you. Well I’ll tell you. You can’t. Once you’ve butted, then you can commence to rebut. Once you’ve bounded you can begin to rebound. Once you’ve sent a mark you can resent a remark. Once you’ve ceased to cesse then you can decease to recess. I meant recease. But that doesn’t mean what I want it to demean. Once you’ve cited then you can recite. Once you’ve couped then you can recoup. Once you’ve futed then you can refute. Once you’ve garded then you can regard. Once you’ve gistered then you can register. Once you’ve gressed then you can regress. Once you’ve gretted then you can regret. Once you’ve gulated then you can regulate. Once you’ve cognized then you can recognize. Once you’ve coiled then you can recoil. Once you’ve canted then you can recant. Once you’ve acted then you can react. Once you’ve alized then you can realize. Once you’ve belled then you can rebel. Once you’ve flected then you can reflect. Once you’ve fracted then you can refract. Once you’ve ferred then you can refer. Once you’ve frained then you can refrain. Once you’ve freshed then you can refresh. Once you’ve jected then you can reject. Once you’ve fined then you can refine. Once you’ve cruited then you can recruit. Once you’ve collected and vived then you can recollect and revive. Once you’ve lieved then you can relieve. Once you’ve curred then you can recur. Once you’ve ceded then you can recede. Once you’ve ceived then you can receive. Once you’ve covered then you can recover. Once you’ve buked then you can rebuke. Once you’ve deemed you can redeem. Once you’ve duced then you can reduce. And once you’ve conciled then you can reconcile. And not before.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
This is getting a bit redundant.
(In male bride’s voice:)
It’s like that with everything.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I’m sick of those words.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Yes, aren’t we all. But they’re all we’ve got.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Speak for your self.
(In male bride’s voice:)
No. I refuse.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Say what you will. Say what you mean.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Nothing.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Again.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Nothing.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Again.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Nothing! (pause) What about the ironing board?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What about
it? Are you quest-shunning my fondness for smoothy-ness in my mateary-all? I’m a professional man just like everybody else, I like to look sharp and free of wrinkly-inklies. (Looking at pants.)
Great Charades! I’d better take care of these.
(Gets out iron from trunk, plugs it in. Tosses Ann Onomous’s body onto floor, gets up on ironing board. Begins to iron pants while still on his body.)
OOh, that’s lovely-wovely.
(In male bride’s voice:)
What are you doing?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I’m smoothing these baby-fablies out, baby!
(In male bride’s voice:)
I think you look fine.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
These puppies are gonna be as smoothy as a freshly-born bottom when I’m through. You see? I could be a C.I.O. I could be anybody in these pants! Anybody on the planet. On any planet. On the moon, if you please.
(In male bride’s voice:)
When you’re done, then can we dine?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You want to die? That never gets old for you, does it Harvey.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Dine, dine! My belly’s starving!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You should have that taken out. Nothing but trouble. Besides, I told you. We’ve no tabliture. I wouldn’t be ethical. A family’s not a pack of jack rabbit hyenas, you know.
(In male bride’s voice:)
The board! The board!
(looks at chalk board)
That?! It’s filthy!
(In male bride’s voice:)
The ironing board!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Are you pulling my legs? That’s absurd.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Why?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Because. I’m on it. You want to eat on meeee? You want to get detritis on this sharp suit?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Will you pleeeeease get off it?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Oh, all right.
(Gets off board, unplugs iron.)
Wait. Why do I
have to get off?
(In male bride’s voice:)
So we can eat.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No, why not you? Are you above me? Are you above the fray or something Harvey? You’re bile doesn’t reek or what?
(In male bride’s voice:)
So I’ll get off. I’m not averse to getting off. Never said I was.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
That’s right gracious of you. You’re a prince of the realm.
(He moves Harvey from table, stands him up.)
(Stops, looks around; in ‘normal’ voice:)
But I’ve not got any chairies.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Bugger me.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I refuse. But you can sit on the c-Ouch with me if you like.
(In male bride’s voice:)
How hospitable.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You’re welcome. (He hauls Harvey from table to couch, props him up in sitting position. Moves table over next to it.)
(In male bride’s voice:)
What about–aren’t you going to, to ask, er . . .
(The man bends Harvey’s head to the side several times in the manner of gesturing toward Miss Nomisser; he continues doing this while:)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What? What. Harvey, what’s wrong with your neck? Why are you twitching? Are you having a fit? A seizura? Are you an epil-leper-tic?
(Still gesturing with Harvey’s head. In male bride’s voice:)
I mean Mrs., ah, ah, Ms. ah, shoudln’t we invite Miss . . . (Man finally looks over at Miss Nomisser, realizes.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Oh! right you are, Harvey-warvey. What about it, Miss Nomisser? Care to dine with us?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I’m not hungry.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Ahh, but we’re having–what the hell are we having? Blimey. (Goes to fridge, pops head in.)
Hmmmmm–mmmmussy-turd! Marinated in mayonasal with a creamy catsoup sauce. And garnished with a pickle spear.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Ohh, you’ve got a pickle?!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Indeed I do sir.
(In male bride’s voice:)
I’ll take
it!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
One pick-led cuke, chilled, coming up. Sliced, diced, or whole Harvey?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Whole, whole!
(Man comes to ironing-board table with jar of pickles, with scalpel stabs the pickle and removes it, opens Harvey’s mouth and shoves it in. [It is a fairly large pickle and protrudes from the mouth.])
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Now then. (Goes back to fridge.)
Miss Nomisser? Can I tempt you with some enticing mussyturds and mayonasal?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Naseau! Oh, Nausea overcomes me!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You’re not feeling well Miss?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Nausea! Oh, the unbearable futility of mortal existence in the abysmal void, the appalling perception by and of the Other, the frightening superfluity of being, the ubiquitous contingency of it all, the emptiness, the absurdity, the sticky slippery muddy quagmire of–
(Interrupting himself, in ‘normal’ voice:)
So no mussturdy then? How
a-bout . . . . Ooh! Ooh! An EGG! Ehhh? (Waving egg temptingly in front of Miss Nomisser.)
Chilled zygote of the feathery biped, preconceived and prematruely plucked from its squawking mother’s abominable abdominal maw? Eh? Eh?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Nothing!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Oh, come now. What’ll it beeeeeee–scrambled, poached, toasted, roasted, hard boiled, soft boiled, fried, benedicted, sunny side up, down, or in the middle over easy–
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I feel queasy.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Ooor
–my personal favor-rite–raw!
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Unborn!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well naturally.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Nothing, nothing, ness.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What a mess. All right, have it your way. But you must at least sit and be sociable. This is family time. And what better to ensure that our family values remain intact than to fill our faces in one another’s company. Am I wrong?
(In male bride’s voice [muffled by pickle]:)
Never!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Harvey! Don’t talk with your mouth full.
(In male bride’s voice, with mouth full:)
Sorry.
(With Harvey’s hand Man pulls pickle from mouth.)
(In male bride’s voice:)
Never!
(Man sticks pickle back in, places Harvey’s hand back on lap.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Here here, hip hip. Let us sit. We shall die at home.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Dine.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Dine at home, like real people everywhere.
(Moves Miss Nomisser, sets her in kneeling position at other side of table.)
This is bonding’s what this is. This is bonding if I’ve ever seen it.
(In male bride’s voice:)
I’ve got an idea! How bout a game of strip poker!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Deal! Miss Nomisser? You in?
(gets cards from trunk.)
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Why not.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
That’s the way to look at it! I was worried about you, for a split second there.
(Deals out all the cards.)
I don’t have enough.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
What do you mean. That’s all of them.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I need more. I need them all or I can’t play a thing. It’s all or nothing, I tell you.
(In male bride’s voice:)
There’s none left. You’ll have to make do. Let the chips fall where they may.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I don’t like the feeling of this. Well, what the who. I bet . . . everything. The whole caboose.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
You’re pretty sure of yourself.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Wait till you get a load of this.
(begins stripping.)
(In male bride’s voice:)
What are you doing? You don’t have to do that. Not until we’ve shown the cards. Then you pay up.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No, trust me. This way’s simpler. Anyway I can’t win.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
You don’t know that.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Trust me. It’s inevitable as the day is long.
(Gets down to his underwear when he is stopped)
(In male bride’s voice:)
Hold your horses, now. Don’t buy the farm.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Bet the farm.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Don’t bet the farm.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
O.K. Call.
(They all lay down their hands.)
(In male bride’s voice:)
What have you got.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I’ve got three pair and . . . let’s see . . . a full house.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Five aces.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Something’s fishy here.
(In male bride’s voice:)
King high.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Misdeal!
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
What about you?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Me? I’ve got nothing.
(In male bride’s voice:)
You can’t have nothing. It’s impossible.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I do. Look here.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
We dealt the whole deck!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
It can’t be.
(In male bride’s voice:)
No. Look. He’s right. He’s got nothing.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Well you dealt.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Don’t go pointing your fingers at me. All right, all right. I’m a big man. I know how to bite the bullet. Face the music. See the writing on the wall. Dance the jig. And speak in tongues.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Talented!
What are you talking about?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Let’s do this. Let’s just all strip down to our underwear, and we’ll call it a draw. Deal?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Deal.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Why not. We’re all adults here. There’s no point in bickering.
(Man strips them.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well thank you for dining with me. That was delightful. Now what.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
You didn’t have to take off your beard. She didn’t take hers off.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
And what in the name of the Lofty Lord makes you think he’s a she?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Yes, what under the sun makes you think I’m a she?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I guess you’re right.
(puts beard back on)
Look, kids! I’m Santy Claus! Ho ho ho! Come and sit and Daddy’s lap and tell me how bad you’ve been.
(slaps Miss Nomisser in the behind, then slaps his lap invitingly. Sits her on his lap. [Harvey the male bride is left where he is.])
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Well . . . let’s see . . . I’d like a new body. Make me pretty and vivacious and outgoing, and full of energy.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well, now, that’s a tall order. How bout just a prosthetic head?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
But you’re Santa! You can do anything!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Not true. I failed to convince the Head Bishop that I was cut out for his job. I once failed a Home Economics exam. I was trying to make pickled pigs’ feet, but I couldn’t find any pickled pigs to get their feet. So I found one in the woods, speared it with the mighty Excalibur, hauled it home in my wagon behind my bicycle and pickled the bloody thing me self. But then I noticed: this pig was all wrong. It was a mutant!
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
A mutant! How horrible!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yes. It didn’t have any feet at all. Not one. Not anywhere. All it had were these hooves.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Are you sure it was even a pig?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Oh yes.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
How could you tell?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
It had a snout. It had two snouts. It was more than a pig.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
My aunt Ethyl has a snout.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yes, but does she have feet, though?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I think so. At least one.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Hmh. Curious. Well anyway, I decided to be innovative and original, and I just pickled the snout and the eyeballs.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
They flunked you for that?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well, that was an exaggeration. I got a C.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
That’s not so bad.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
But enough about me! Tell me how bad you’ve been.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Well, when I was twelve, I was playing dolls.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
That’s horrible. (spanks her)
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
That’s not the worst part. I didn’t have any dolls. So I just played with myself.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well, you make do.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
And I saw that a man was watching me from across the street.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Really?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Yes. And he was playing dolls too. He must have been as poor as we were.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Poor sod.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
And so I felt bad for him. And so I fell in love with him.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well, it could be worse I suppose.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
And didn’t pull the drapes or anything.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well, I don’t think that’s so bad. But I’m not the judge of these things. Let God sort them out, I say. So, bend over and let me give you a spanking.
(she bends over on all fours. he spanks her with a stethoscope.)
Boy! I’m glad my ears aren’t in there
! All that banging about would knock my screws and marbles right out. Just about do me in.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I want one too!
(In male bride’s voice:)
Me next! My turn!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
O.K. Down here.
(Harvey gets down on all fours with Miss Nomisser.)
(he whips them on each name)
Ho ho ho! On Bomber, on Basher, on Crasher and Nixon! On Conduit and Cuspid and Blitzdreig and Spittiin!
(pause)
Hmh. We’re a little bit short of a full deck here tonight. Some of these monkeys have gone a.w.o.l. Wait! Where’s Rudolph? That spoiled brat! Probably in an igloo eating marmolade and playing the xylophone! Wait a second. (feels nose.) Damn it all directly to hell! I’m always the one stuck leading and lighting the way. Are you bastards lost, or what? Can’t you see? Without little old me? It’s pathetic.
(whips them.)
Onward ho! We’ve got to please all the children before midnight or this baby’s turnin back into a jackolantern.
(whips himself on the behind)
Here, somebody be me. I mean Santy. Here, take my beard.
(In male bride’s voice:)
I have a beard! I could do it!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No no, my beard is superior to your beard. Look at it. It’s like fleece. Here you go, Miss Nomisser.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Teacher’s pet.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
None of that! I’ll whip these apples right up your anus!
(gets an apple, hits Harvey in the rear with it)
How ya like them apples? There’s more where that came from, so watch your mouth.
(gets down on all fours in front of others, pretends to gallop. Miss Nomisser whips him.)
Faster! Faster! Think of the children!
(she whips him faster.)
It’s no use. I can’t see a thing.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
It’s getting really dark.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Maybe we should turn back.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
We can’t stop now. How dark can it get?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
This is a farce.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well what would you rather do?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Nothing. I’m blue.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Now children. Gather round. I want you to know that I’m going to watch over you always. I’m your guardian angel. Call me Petey from now on. (gets bandage, places it over his eye as a patch) I had termites in my peg leg, and in my wooden head. But I got prosthetics, and now I’m a new man! The new model! Now, you know what this means, don’t you? It means that you can never leave me alone, without my say so. Because I don’t know what I’d do without you. Say what you will. I’ve taken you under my wing. My one wing. Don’t touch it, it’s sensitive. You are all my children.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Hey! Let’s do a scene from that!
(In male bride’s voice:)
From what?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
All My Children!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Pah. It’s yesterday’s garbage.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Sure, it stinks. But it’s entertaining.
(In male bride’s voice:)
I’ve got a better idea!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I’m tired of your bright ideas. They make me sick.
(In male bride’s voice:)
How bout a game of pin the tail on the donkey!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Fine. Who’s got a tail? You? None of you are monkeys, last I checked.
(In male bride’s voice:)
We’ll just use these.
(getting syringes.)
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Those’ll do.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Buy wait. What are we pinning on?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
On our arses.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Yes, but what are we going to pin upon our arses?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Nothing. It’s appropriate, since we’re not in fact monkeys but homo sapiens.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
What do monkeys have to do with it?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You’re an ass, Miss Nomisser.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I’m a lamb. And all the sweeter stuffed with brine and juices and seasons.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
They’ll be badges of courage. Ready, men?
(Pause.)
On your marks?
(pause)
Get set?
(long silence)
Action! Commence pinning!
(suddenly all characters become animated, run around trying to stick one another in the arse with syringes, giggling and saying "Ouch" over and over. occasionially someone leaps in the air, holding posterior, and hops on the couch, then gets up again and frolicks.)
(Note: though the corpses move on their own, it is the man’s imagination which “pulls the strings,” and if possible they should mimic the movements of marionettes more so than real live people.)
(In ‘normal’ voice; [he maintains this voice from now on.]:)
Hey! You’ve got two! How many asses you think I got, anyway? Nobody needs more than one tail.
Harvey
(In his/her own voice; [he maintains this voice from now on.]:)
Sure they do.
MAN
That’s hardly what I’d call just.
Miss Nomisser (In her own voice; [she maintains this voice from now on.]:)
I’m not that courageous.
(they keep playing)
MAN
Wait! This is too easy. We need blind folds.
HARVEY
I knew we were missing something.
MISS NOMISSER
Are we going to play blind man’s bluff?
MAN
Sure! Let’s!
(Pause.)
Does anyone know how?
MISS NOMISSER
I think you just put on a blindfold and then start lying as best you can.
MAN
You mean laying.
MISS NOMISSER
No, no, telling falsehoods.
MAN
Ah! Let’s give it a go.
(they all blindfold one another with gauze)
Ready? Begin.
(they speak the following virtually all at once.)
MISS NOMISSER
The capital of Spain is Portugal.
HARVEY
The square root of zero is negative one.
MAN
The Declaration of Independence was a pork chop signed in cold blood by Humpty Dumpty.
MISS NOMISSER
The day before today is next Tuesday.
HARVEY
The day before Christmas is New Year’s Eve.
MAN
Columbus was a saint and a knight with a hump.
MISS NOMISSER
Napoleon wore women’s clothing when he was alone and only their undergarments when in public.
HARVEY
Abraham Lincoln was a warmonger who diddled little boys in the glue factory where he worked.
MISS NOMISSER
Where he was born and raised by a family of huge tulips, black and bumbling!
HARVEY
And tiny rhinoceros eunuchs with green thumbs!
MAN
Wait, wait! Stop! Stop!
HARVEY
What?
MISS NOMISSER
Did someone cheat?
MAN
Yes. In a manner of speaking.
HARVEY
How can you cheat at lying?
MISS NOMISSER
Yeah.
MAN
Simple It’s the easiest thing in the world. You see you can’t merely think
you’re lying, you must be certain of it.
HARVEY
Oh.
MISS NOMISSER
We need a rule book.
MAN
I mean, how much do we really know about the private lives of Napoleon and Abe Lincoln?
MISS NOMISSER
Good point.
MAN
You see.
HARVEY
I see what you’re saying.
MISS NOMISSER
I see what you mean.
MAN
Let’s start again. You go first, Miss Nomisser.
(again, their lies overlap)
MISS NOMISSER
Poop is a gas!
HARVEY
Urine is an effective substitute for penecillin!
MAN
Have you tried it?
MISS NOMISSER
Babies are hatched from the Penguin and dropped on roof tops.
MAN
Nicely done!
HARVEY
Don’t interrupt!
MAN
Sorry.
MISS NOMISSER
Go, go!
MAN
Ah, er, yes, all right, er–
HARVEY
Hurry!
MAN
Are we on a time clock or something?
MISS NOMISSER
What other kind of clock is there?
MAN
What does this have to do with the time?
MISS NOMISSER
Everything!
MAN
I thought we were trying
to pass the time.
HARVEY
Quickly!
MISS NOMISSER
We have to say as many lies as possible before the time runs out.
MAN
Oh, all right, well when’s that?
HARVEY
We don’t know! Go! Go!
MAN
O.K. Smith and Wesson were horticulturists who invented the first piss-powered flying suit.
HARVEY
Stalin was a horrible nudist.
MAN
No! You don’t know that!
HARVEY
Sorry. Dostoyevsky was a guinea pig, then.
MISS NOMISSER
Tolstoy had cancer of the nipples but never died.
MAN
Maybe he did!
MISS NOMISSER
Damn it! This is hard! O.K. The Nazi party was crashed by the Kennedy family who kept making copies of their arses in the Kremlin.
HARVEY
Steam engines were powered by the breath of smurf-sized African American slaves until the invention of the invisibility cream by Paul Newman in the second century B.C.
MAN
Wow! They’re getting elaborate.
MISS NOMISSER
The appendix is not needed by those who feast on tree nor by those who snack on ground appendix!
HARVEY
The capital of Alabama is Mau Tse Tung!
MISS NOMISSER
Zero divided by zero is no solution!
MAN
That’s true, you imbecil!
MISS NOMISSER
It’s not! I made it up just now!
MAN
Nothing can’t be divided.
HARVEY
Especially by nothing!
MISS NOMISSER
Sure it can!
Let’s don’t contradict one another or we’ll all lose the game!
MAN
O.K. the Indians were green revolutionaries from outer space who descended upon the settlers to usurp the crown of Queen Margaret!
HARVEY
Once they had it they smothered it with maple syrup and fed it to the buffalo!
MISS NOMISSER
Bison!
MAN
Don’t contradict!
HARVEY
Henry Kissinger was a miserable Buddist!
MISS NOMISSER
He might have been!
HARVEY
Believe me!
MAN
The little flapper under your tongue is the semi-diaphonous mitochondria!
(the others check under their tongues, try to pull them out to see underneath)
MAN
the longest penis on record was that of a paramecium1
MISS NOMISSER
It sits mounted to a shrub in the outhouse of the Smithsonian, which is actually a front for a brothel for poofs!
HARVEY
The ozone layer is sustained primarily by cow flatulence!
MAN
NO! That’s God’s truth!
MISS NOMISSER
Don’t believe him, that’s all you have to do!
HARVEY
Space-time is shaped like a trapezoid and composed of asbestos!
MISS NOMISSER
Its texture is that of a rotten gelatinous octopus!
HARVEY
Freud was envious of his mother’s clay penis!
MAN
You don’t know, you fools!
MISS NOMISSER
She kept it pickled in a jar above the fireplace!
HARVEY
Freud snorted cigars like a fiend and ate them whole!
MAN
He stole all his ideas from Hitler!
MISS NOMISSER
Who was a Hungarian nun!
HARVEY
No, he was in drag the whole time!
MAN
Freud’s real first name was Guenevere!
MISS NOMISSER
I doub that very much.
HARVEY
The Indians came from India where they had worked for NASA!
MAN
The Indians manufactured small pox in a laboratory for use in chemical warfare against the pilgrims!
HARVEY
How dare they!
MAN
It’s not true, don’t get your britches in a bunch.
MISS NOMISSER
Well you never know!
HARVEY
No, against a herd of rabid wayward penguins!
MISS NOMISSER
No, hopping frog-like ostriches!
HARVEY
No, they never hopped, they skipped.
MAN
Yes, they skipped rope!
MISS NOMISSER
To their Lu’s!
HARVEY
They skipped out!
MAN
On the last supper!
MISS NOMISSER
And starved themselves on the lawn!
HARVEY
They were ascetics!
MAN
They were Jews!
MISS NOMISSER
They were aesthetes!
HARVEY
They were jewel thieves!
MISS NOMISSER
No! They were swollen mollusks with wooden feet and tear gas in their pants!
HARVEY
Socrates was an illegitimate midgit with ringworm on his testes.
MAN
Have you ever seen him?
HARVEY
I’ve seen pictures.
MISS NOMISSER
Naked?
HARVEY
No, I only pictured him naked.
MISS NOMISSER
My pelvis itches!
HARVEY
We don’t know!
MAN
And we don’t want to!
MISS NOMISSER
I’ve always wanted to have my pituitary gland pierced with a golden hoop!
HARVEY
The rack was a domestic item inspired by the pet giraffe of Pope Innocent the Ninth!
MAN
Was there a ninth?
MISS NOMISSER
Could be.
MAN
If there was, it might be true.
HARVEY
Giraffes can’t live in that atmosphere.
MISS NOMISSER
He had a special air tight space suit designed for it!
HARVEY
Adam and Eve taught paddy cake to cavemen and also how to slurp stewed prunes with slotted spoons in their spare time!
MAN
You weren’t there!
MISS NOMISSER
How could you know?!
HARVEY
God is a cabbage!
MAN
You’ve never even seen him!
HARVEY
I am a lollypop!
MISS NOMISSER
I am a suckling pork pie with the mumps in my gullet!
HARVEY
My father was a deceased sea monkey!
MAN
No! I’ve seen the album!
MISS NOMISSER
Me two! It turns out it was only a cold in his nose!
HARVEY
A frog in his throat!
MISS NOMISSER
Moths in his throttle!
MAN
He’s never died!
MISS NOMISSER
Not once!
MAN
Liar!
HARVEY
Liar!
MISS NOMISSER
Liar!
MAN
I am the tzar of Milwaukee and I cannot put out my pants!
MISS NOMISSER
Fibber! You’ve got no pants on to put out.
HARVEY
Don’t toot your own horn!
MISS NOMISSER
Don’t blow the whistle on yourself!
HARVEY
Don’t float your own boat!
MISS NOMISSER
Don’t sneeze your own snot!
HARVEY
Don’t pee in your own pot!
MISS NOMISSER
Don’t weed your own bed!
HARVEY
Egomaniac!
MISS NOMISSER
Legomaniac!
HARVEY
Kleptomaniac!
MISS NOMISSER
Jello juggler!
HARVEY
Egg head!
MISS NOMISSER
Bird brain!
HARVEY
Zeitgeist!
(all stop and look at him; together:)
What??
HARVEY
I’ve run dry.
MISS NOMISSER
I’m all emptied out.
MAN
That was fruitful!
MISS NOMISSER
Yes! Great idea you had, old bean sprout!
HARVEY
It was your idea.
MISS NOMISSER
No, it was your idea.
HARVEY
No, it was his idea.
(they embrace Man)
(long silence)
MISS NOMISSER
Now what?
MAN
I don’t know about you, but I’m up for a lie down.
MISS NOMISSER
What does he mean?
HARVEY
I think he means lay.
MISS NOMISSER
He’s laid up all of a sudden?
HARVEY
Looks that way.
MAN
I don’t mean anything. Just everybody lie down and be still.
(Harvey lies down on table. Miss Nomisser goes to her spot against wall.
MISS NOMISSER
I’m tired of standing here.
(Moves to couch, plops down on it, stretches out. long silence. They are still and frozen once again.)
Nope. Can’t do it.
(rises, paces)
I can’t keep still. There’s too much to do. I’ve got to get some work done before the night is through.
(Looks at Ann Onimous; [the body bag still lies on table, now beneath Harvey.].)
Son of a spiggot. I’d better do some ironing.
(Gets out iron, plugs it in, begins to iron Ann Onimous’s clothes on her body.)
You’ll be wrinkly-free and smooth as a dead baby’s backside in just one mine-noot minute.
(Sets down iron. Goes to fridge, gets a pickle. Heads back to resume ironing. Stops.)
What am I doing? What am I thinking?
(pause)
These clothes are going to have to come off anyway when I operate. Shooky kazookies, I can be a real dummy sometimes.
(Is about to put iron away. Stops. Looks at the other two.)
Any body else need their costumes smoothed? Their flesh pressed? No, Miss Nomisser, you don’t have a wrinkle on your body. Or your face. They’re two different things, you know.
(In a voice not his own, a cross between Harvey’s and Miss Nomisser’s:)
You’re a fool!
(Stands close to Miss Nomisser. To her, in ‘normal’ voice:)
What! Don’t raise your voice at me!
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I didn’t say it. He said it.
(Goes over to Harvey, grabs him in the front of the gown, stands him up against the wall.)
You?! Don’t throw your voice at me! I don’t like it. I don’t know where I’m at, or where anything’s coming from. And then I don’t know who I am when I’m talking because I don’t know who I’m talking to
.
(Turning sharply, to Miss Nomisser:)
Did you say something? Are you making faces at me? Don’t try it, Mister, because I’ve got eyes in the back of my head. And one on the bottom of each foot. I don’t want to have to use them.
(To Harvey:)
Now. You have to say something, speak directly into my mouth.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Your mouth?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What else? What’s the mouth for, if not for communication? You can’t tell me, can you. Now then. Speak.
(Opens mouth wide, puts it very close to Harvey’s mouth. Pause.)
Nothing? You’ve nothing to say?
(Opens mouth wide. Pause.)
You’ve got to be kidding. Nothing? Are you kidding me? There must be something you’ve always wanted to say but have never said. Now’s the time. Now, out with it.
(Opens mouth wide, very close to Harvey’s mouth. Pause. Begins to speak in Harvey’s voice, while keeping his own mouth open wide, so that all is a mumbled monologue of jibberish without the tongue.)
Are you trying
to do that? Who’s kidding who here!
(In male bride’s voice:)
Well, I’m glad that’s out in the open.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You can never take it back now, you know.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Let’s play something.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Tiddly-winks.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I don’t think I know how.
(In male bride’s voice:)
You don’t?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I never learned. I was deprived, as a child. Did you?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice, appalled with the realization:)
No! I never did!
(In male bride’s voice:)
We could play twister.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Brilliant! You’re a genius. Miss Nomisser, yo up for it?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice, apathetic:)
Sure.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Marveloose. Twister it is.
(Gets out Twister mat from trunk, lays it out. Searches in trunk.)
Well pissy in my britchy-witches. What happened to the spineero?
(In male bride’s voice:)
I’ll spin!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
We’ve not got a spinilator. I’ll have to pull the colors out of my arse. Let’s see. Harvey?
(Pronounces “foot” to rhyme with “boot”:)
Red foot blue.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Red foot? Which one’s that? I get them confused.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Right foot then. Right foot green.
(In male bride’s voice:)
You said blue.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Green! Don’t you undermine me!
(In male bride’s voice:)
Fine, green.
(Man moves Harvey, places him thusly.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Miss Nomisser? Left hand black.
(In male bride’s voice:)
There’s no black, you ninny.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Really?
(Looks more closely at mat.)
Well I’ll be a potted pubis. Well, red then. Left hand red.
(Arranges Miss Nomisser thusly.)
Now. Harvey, right hand yellow.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Aren’t you playing?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No, I’d rather watch.
(Places Harvey’s hand.)
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
You never participate. Always got to be on the outside looking in.
(Shoots her a look. In ‘normal’ voice:)
Left foot blue.
(Places Harvey’s hand.)
Not you, Harvey! It’s her turn! It’s no fun if you cheat.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Should I remove it?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No, forget it, you might as well leave it there now, the damage is done. Bimbo.
(Places Miss Nomisser’s hand.)
Harvey. Right handy yellow.
(In male bride’s voice:)
It’s on yellow.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Red then.
(Places Harvey’s hand.)
Miss Nomisser? Left foot blue.
(Places her.)
Harvey? Right foot yellow.
(Places him.)
This is getting difficult already. What would we do if we were caterpillars or octo-pussies? Play paddy-cake, I suppose. Miss Nomisser? Righty handy greeny.
(Places her.)
(This continues until they become thoroughly tangled and hard to move.)
Don’t fall over. Stay up now. Thata boy. Thata girl. Now then. Harvey? Left ear green.
(Tries to place Harvey, who loses his balance, they all collapse in a heap.)
For the love of Petey, you’re on my larynx!
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:) (laughing:)
Ooooowwwwwwoooo.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What’s so funny? There’s nothing funny about this! We’re failures! This is a calamity. Everything’s a joke to you. Is nothing sacred?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I hit my funny bone!
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I don’t know what I’m going to do with you two.
(Pause. They lay in a heap, Man giggling in male bride’s voice.)
How about Limbo?
(Moans in each of their voices successively.)
All right. I guess it’s just poopy on my parade day.
(Puts Harvey back on table. Sets Miss Nomisser up in her spot against wall. Goes to fridge, gets a pickle, munches. Stands close to Miss Nomisser.)
You look a bit peeki-dee. Let me examine your gums.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
What for?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
For mites. What else. Open wide.
(Wrenches her jaw open, looks in.)
It’s black as pitch in there. I couldn’t see a goddamned lightning bug in that abyss.
(Rummages in trunk, finds flashlight. Shines it in Harvey’s mouth.)
Hmmm. No mites. That’s a good sign. But it looks like a touch of Scurvey. Let me see . . . (Reaches in, wiggles a tooth, yanks it out, studies it.)
Yes indeedy. Malnourished, is what you’ve been. Not had your fair share of orange oranges and peachy-weachies. Let me see if I’ve got a banana for you. An apple a day, I always say. When I’m not saying something else, that is.
(Rummages in trunk, finds old brown banana.)
Eureka! Here we are.
I’ll even peel it for you. That’s what kind of Mother Teresa I am.
(Peels banana, shoves it in Miss Nomisser’s mouth.)
There. No no, don’t cry. This scurvey, it’s nothing. A few bunches and it’ll cure itself right up. Here. Let’s sit down on the couch.
(Moves her to couch. Sits next to her.)
You want me to hold you? All right. I’ll hold you.
(Embraces her.)
You want me to tell you a story?
(Nods her head for her.)
Oooooooooooh K. There once was a man from Nantucket, who–No, that’s a limerick. I’ll start again. Ahem. Where did we leave off last time? Let’s see. What big tits you have. All the better to nurse you with. Yes. Then . . . What big buttocks you have. Yes. What big testicles. Then . . . She eats her. The grandmother eats her. And then . . . She has some pudding. For dessert. No, a mousse. A lovely tapioca mousse. And then she goes into the bathroom and throws it all up. To keep her figure. And then she takes a nap. The End. Did you like that?
(Nods her head for her.)
You want me to tell you another one? No, I don’t mind. Three little piggies were living in a glass house. And one day, a platypus was playing with a sling-shot, and–
(Inturrupting himself, in male bride’s voice:)
Wait, Doctor.
(Man stops, looks over at male bride.)
(In ‘normal’ voice, to Miss Nomisser:)
Stay here. Won’t be a moment.
(Goes over to male bride [stands perhaps behind his head, looking down at him upside-down], stares at his face, sets pickle on his belly, opens first one eyelid, then the other.)
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Is the anesthesia wearing off? Do you need some more vodka? Care for a pickled pickle?
(In male bride’s voice:)
No Doctor. I’m unconscious. I can’t feel a thing.
(In Doctor’s voice:)
That’s fine, fine. Just fine. Neither can I. (Ponders. Pause. Walks around to side of body, begins again tracing the line of the incision, is about to cut, stops.)
Are you ready to begin?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Yes, Doctor.
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Well, we’d better engage in a wee bit o’ hyno-sissy just in casey-wase. You understand. Not that I’m questioning myself or my methods.
(Searches trunk for pocket watch. To no avail. Ponders. Looks around here and there. Finally checks pocket, finally finds it.)
Hmh. What on earth was it doing in there? Madness. (dangles it in front of her eyes for a long while. Stops Ponders.) It’s not working. Is it? Are you awake?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Yes, Doctor. But I can’t feel anything.
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Yes, but just to be on the safe side.
(Putting watch up to ear, listening, shaking it.)
I think this thing’s brokededed. Now then. Let’s try this.
(Picks up pickle from his chest, dangles it in front of his eyes.)
You are getting very sleepy. You see the void, and you plunge in head first with no paddle and no life-preserver. You drown in the void. You cannot hear anything but the sounds of the bubbles and your own stifled scream as you sink to the bottom. Then the pressure becomes too great. Your ears clot. Your head aches. You shut down. Hypothermia sets in. You are cold, as if dead. You very gently come to rest on the bottom, in the wet sand. It is quicksand, and you begin to sink. You do not mind. You can feel almost nothing. You can barely tell that you are sinking, it’s so gradual. The quicksand oozes over you, your face, in your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth. All is silent and dark. You feel nothing. You continue to sink to the hollow center of the earth, without realizing it.
(long silence.)
Are you dreaming?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Yesigh think so Doctor.
(In Austrian Psychologist’s voice, or a poor imitation thereof [at actor’s discretion], possibly with mouth full of food:)
Goot. Varry goot. Now. You vill vaken oopen vin I count to sree und snup my fangars, like zis. Vun . . . two . . . sree.
(Snaps fingers. He wakes. He closes her lids for her.)
Nay nay nay nay nay, vait oondtill I tell you. Zat vas marely ein examplen. Now. Zis von vill be zee rill sing. Riddy? Goot. Now zen. Vun . . . two . . . sree.
(Snaps fingers. He wakes.)
Are you awake?
HARVEY
Yes Doctor.
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Are you dremmink?
HARVEY
No Doctor.
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Can you still feel?
HARVEY
No Doctor.
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Nah-sing?
HARVEY
No. Nah-sing Doctor.
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Goot. Pear-fect. Und now you mist toll may vin feerst you begun halfing zese drems und vut you see en zem. Till may ev-er-ree-sing zat you re-mimber, und zen vee vill till you vut zey mean.
HARVEY
Well . . . all right. I remember I was a small child, and —
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Ein smallair-zen-noormel chyult?
HARVEY
Oh — no, I don’t think so. Just a regular little child.
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Ay see. Pliss, pdo-cid.
HARVEY
What?
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
I sid, pdo-cid.
HARVEY
I’m sorry, I don’t understand you , doctor, I–
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Proceed!, Proceed!
HARVEY
Ah! (Pause.)
Well, my dad had just died, and —
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Yoor rell fahzer, in rell leaf, od’r oonly en zis drem.
HARVEY
I . . . I don’t, I can’t remember. . . . I think my father’s dead, I think . . . I think both of them are dead.
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Ah hah. I seee. Vell now. (Jots something down [notebook may be real or imaginary].)
Pliss, pdo-cid a gain.
HARVEY
Vell — I mean, . . I was in the shopping mall with my mother, and she had just bought some pants.
(In Psychologists’ voice:)
Ponce. Mm HMM. Varry eenterestink. Und ver zese ponce foor za mahzer oor foor za fahzer, zen, Hm?
HARVEY
I think they were for my mother.
(In Psychologists’ voice:)
Mm HM, Ay see.
HARVEY
And we had been walking through the mall, looking everywhere for some boots for my father. But I knew my father was dead. I was wearing his old boots, but I didn’t know how they had gotten on my feet. And they were too big for me, much too big. (Pause.)
But I couldn’t get them off. (Pause.)
And then Santa Clause was there, in his little booth, and I sat on his lap, and he says “Vut do you vant foor Chrismiss leetel garl?” And I said “A cow.” And then he said “you sure you don’t want a pony?” And then he smiled all over me, and then I felt something under me, and I said “Santa what’s wrong with your leg Santa,” and then —
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Cut! (Harvey freezes, lies flat, eyes empty. Man speaks for him once again.) It’s time to cut now. Lie down flat.
(In male bride’s voice:)
I am lying Doctor.
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Don’t speak until spoken to. First rule of thumb. Or of forefinger. Let me be the judge of that. Now shut your eyes and think of a pasture. As flat as a nymphet’s chest I tell you.
(In male bride’s voice:)
What? You mean like a priest?
(In Doctor’s voice:)
I mean like grasses and breezes and sport’s brazieres and sheeps and meadows and larks and whatnot. Now FOCUS.
(Changing to Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Doctor?
(Whirling around to look at Miss Nomisser; in Doctor’s voice:)
What, what is it? How did you get in here! Have you been sterilized and disinfected and de-loused and innoculated and caster-rated? Can’t you see that this is a germ-free zone? (Rushes over to Miss Nomisser, sniffs various parts of her body.)
Repulsive! Oh my Gaudy! I think I’m going to be sickle-ly.
(Checking corpse’s mouth:)
YOU haven’t even FLOSSED!
(Goes to trunk, gets can of Lysol, begins spraying Miss Nomisser while holding his own hand over his mouth.)
Aahhhh. Thriving pines in springtime.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice [muffled through Man’s hand]:)
But Doctor–
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Nay nay niet niet nunca nada SHH! Keep your kaka hole CLOSED until I can de-louse it! (Goes to trunk, gets dental floss, begins flossing corpse’s teeth.) (In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
But DOCTOR, isn’t it time for rehearsal?
(Man stops flossing [leaving the floss canister hanging from corpse’s teeth by the thread]. Swings around. In Director’s voice [this may or may not be the same as ‘normal’ voice; if different, it might be inflected with a thick accent, British or French for example, or with a lisp.]:)
Good goloshes man! (Checks time.)
We’ve got to get this showboat on the roadelay!
(Lifts male bride off table, hauls him over and sits him down on floor facing couch [placing limbs and head in comfortable posture, etc. — again, the corpses stay just as they are put]; does the same with Miss Nomisser, sitting her down next to male bride.)
(Goes to male bride, removes the socks from the body. Gets drink. Goes behind couch, ducks down.)
(In Director’s voice:)
Act II, Scene I. Aaaaaaaaand lightsup!
(The socks pop up on his hands from behind couch. Puppet show rehearsal begins:)
(In Banquo’s voice:)
“How goes the night, boy?”
(In Fleance’s voice:)
“The moon is down; I have not heard the clock.”
(In Banquo’s voice:)
“And she goes down at twelve.”
(In Fleance’s voice:)
“I tak’t, ‘tis later, sir.”
(In Banquo’s voice:) “
Hold, take my sword. . . .” (Man quickly goes to trunk, digs around, finds a syringe to use as the sword, returns. Transfers syringe from one hand to the other.) “There’s husbandry in heaven, their candles are all out. Take thee that too. . . .” (Man pops up, quickly goes to trunk, gets rubber band to represent belt and suture needle to represent dagger. Returns. Transfers them from one hand to the other.) “A heavy summons lies like lead upon me, and yet I would not sleep. Merciful powers, restrain in me the cursed thoughts that nature gives way to in repose!”
(The two puppets look at each other, then off left together, then off right together.)
(Continuing in Banquo’s voice:)
“Give me my sword.”
(The two puppets look at each other, then one off left the other off right, then vice versa, then at each other. Man’s head pops up from behind.)
(In Director’s voice:)
Good grimy. I needy another handy-wandy. . . .
(With socks still on hands, rises and looks around for an object to represent Macbeth. [He could find something in the trunk, or in the fridge — for example, a Barney doll or a fluffy stuffed bunny, or a bottle of bile.] Places object on back of couch.)
There we are. Lovely lovelye loveLIE!
(Gets drink. Ducks. Socks pop up.)
(Continuing in Banquo’s voice:)
“Who’s there?”
(In Macbeth’s voice:)
“A friend.”
(In Banquo’s voice:)
“What, sir, not yet at rest? The King’s a-bed. He hath been in unusual pleasure, and sent forth great largess to your offices. This diamond he greets your wife withal, by the name of most kind hostess, and shut up in measureless content.”
(In Macbeth’s voice:)
“Being unprepar’d, our will became the servant to defect, which else should free have wrought.”
(In Banquo’s voice:)
“All’s well. I dreamt last night of the three weird sisters: to you they have show’d some — “
(Interrupting himself in male bride’s voice:)
This is boooor-ring.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Yes, right you are. Let’s have some violence, can’t we?
(Brief pause. Man’s head pops up. Scowls at corpses.)
(In Director’s voice [giving in, not wholly against his will]:)
Oh all right. (Thinks. Has idea. Begins scene from the Bacchae:)
(In Agave’s voice:) “
What hands then will take care of you, my child? Not even your mother’s hands — if they were not themselves polluted, separately cursed, reserved, possessed, for actions of the god. Can they do greater harm than they have done?”
(In Cadmus’s voice:)
“I do not forbid it. If I should offend the god in this, whatever pain he sends, after this loss, will be–
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Why the socks, anyhow?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Yes. What’s wrong with us?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Why don’t you use us?
(In male bride’s voice:)
What are we, dead weight?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
What are we here for? For your entertainment?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I need an audience.
(In male bride’s voice:)
So use the socks.
(pause)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
It’s unorthodox.
(In male bride’s voice:)
It’s cutting edge. It’s avant garde.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:) (temptingly, sing-songy:)
Your mother would be proud.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You twisted my arm.
(Does not yet remove socks. Comes out and sets up the bodies of Harvey and Miss Nomisser where he wants them. Steps back, makes sure they are blocked correctly. Smiles, nods, claps hands, pleased with himself. Takes socks off hands and places them in an appropriate spot for viewing. [If desired, the socks can be placed on two severed hands/arms, if such things happen to be lying about.])
(In Director’s voice:)
O.K. You be Agave.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I want to be Agave.
(In Director’s voice:)
Ugh. Fine. That all right with you? Any objections?
(In male bride’s voice:)
No objections.
(In Director’s voice:)
You’re not “offended”?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Not iin the least. Proceed.
(In Director’s voice:)
Grandiferous. Then you are Cadmus.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Splendid.
(In Director’s voice:)
Ready? House lights down . . . Music fades . . . aaaaaaaaaand ACTION!
(They spring to life, but neither says anything. Pause.)
(In Director’s voice:)
What’s the trouble? You’re stalling. Are you trying to thwart me? Are you trying to undermine my show? If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a thwarter and an underminer.
HARVEY
No.
MISS NOMISSER
That’s two things.
HARVEY
And I’m neither!
(In Director’s voice:)
What’s the holdup, people?
HARVEY
See, the thing is, where did we leave off? Is the thing.
(In Director’s voice:)
How should I know?
MISS NOMISSER
You’re the directior. It’s your job to know.
(In Director’s voice:)
Fine. Start at . . . “I do not forbid it.”
HARVEY
Right.
(In Director’s voice:)
Action.
HARVEY
“I do not forbid it.If I should offend the god in this, whatever pain he sends, after this loss, will be no greater pain and aged as I am, cannot last long.”
MISS NOMISSER
“Who is this man whose corpse I hold in hand? And how shall I, with even the greatest care, gather him to my breast? What kind of dirge am I to sing, to say farewell, to ask pardon of every limb of yours, my child? Under what mantles shall I hide those limbs? Come, dear old father, let us place that head of this ill-fated boy where it belongs, and let us fit, as exactly as we can, the whole body together, shapely and straight, so I may supplicate his head and each and every part, adoring this flesh of his that I once bore and raised so tenderly. Oh dearest face, oh fresh young beardless cheek! Here, with this veil I cover up your head. Of these limbs, blood-stained and mangled, which one shall I mourn the most? Why not this hand? How could I so have wrenched my own flesh apart? So strong an arm! How perfect this body was! His feet — so quick and firm in their kingly stride! — still in their hunting boots. This much is well. And these dead genitals, that had no time to breed the princely future of our house! I cover him thus, and thus I cover him. Pentheus! My only son! Sleep well! Farewell!” . . .
(In Director’s voice:)
Hey! You’re skipping parts! You didn’t even say “Forvgive me!” That’s censorship!
MISS NOMISSER
No. I’m abridging for the sake of clarity and sustained interest.
(In Director’s voice:)
You take out two words?!
MISS NOMISSER
They were superfluous.
(In Director’s voice:)
Everything’s superffluous! That’s no excuse! You only say what you want to say? That’s not fair! How is that right?
HARVEY
Don’t leave anything out!
MISS NOMISSER
Fine. Let’s just forgeet the whole thing and go home.
HARVEY
Noooo!
MISS NOMISSER
We are home.
HARVEY
She stole the show anyway. I had, what, two lines?
(In Director’s voice:)
Fantastic. Now what then.
HARVEY
Go back to socks?
(In Director’s voice:)
I don’t have enough hands to do the chorus. . . . Or voices.
HARVEY
This is too sentimental anyway.
MISS NOMISSER
Yes indeed. Hateful banal exposition. And besides, it isn’t violent.
HARVEY
Go back to the killing scene.
MISS NOMISSER
Yes, do! Oh, lovely!
(Man sighs. In Director’s voice:)
Your witch is my commando.
MISS NOMISSER
But don’t say the whole wretched thing.
(In Director’s voice, indignant.)
Why not?
MISS NOMISSER
We’ll fall asleep.
HARVEY
Just do the important parts.
(In Director’s voice:)
Who am I, your slave?
MISS NOMISSER
Pleeeeeese! We’ll die of sheer boredom!
(In Director’s voice:)
Oh, fine then. I’ll “abridge” it for you.
(Gets drink.)
(In Messenger’s voice:) “
. . . He must have known how near he was to death. His mother first, being high priestess, now began the kill, and rushed at him. Off from the wig he tore the turban, so that recognizing him Agave might not, to her sorrow, kill. Caressing her cheek he said, ‘Mother, it’s I, Pentheus, your own child, I whom you bore to Echion. Oh Mother, take pity on me — do not, for the wrongs I’ve done, kill your own child!’ But she, spitting foam, rolling her eyes convulsed, gone out of her right mind, was in the grip of–”
MISS NOMISSER
You’re reading it all!
I’m not “reading.” This is called Acting!
HARVEY
Cut some of it, old boy!
(In Director’s voice:)
Right. Anything for you, sugar blossom.
(Clears throat. Continues in Messenger’s voice:)
“But she, spitting foam, rolling her eyes convulsed, gone out of her right mind, was in the grip of ecstasy . . .not listening . . . took hold . . . her foot braced upon the poor man’s ribs, wrenched out the shoulder . . . the god conferred such ease, finishing off the other side, breaking his flesh, and Autonoe, the whole pack of Baccae were at him. A general howl arose, he groaning as long as there was breath in him and the women yelling victory, as one carried off an arm, another carried his feet still in their boots. His ribs were laid quite bare in the dismemberment. With bloodied hands each woman played ball with scraps of–
HARVEY
Are you cutting anything?
(In Director’s voice:)
I surely am.
MISS NOMISSER
We’ll be here all night!
(In Director’s voice:)
What do you want from me, a circus act? I’m not a bleeding magician.
MISS NOMISSER
Cut it more!
HARVEY
Trim it down to size!
(In Director’s voice, grunting. Continues:)
“With bloodied hands each woman played ball with scraps of Pentheus’ flesh. Body dispersed, one part below the rugged cliffs, another among the leafage of the deep woods, no easy thing to find. His mother somehow got into her hands his battered head, and stuck it on the point of her thyrsus, just as if she were carrying down from Cithairon’s crags a lion’s head. Leaving her Maenad sisters to their dance, she comes away exulting in the dread trophy–”
MISS NOMISSER
Shorter! Shorter!
(In Director’s voice:)
If you keep interrupting me, we’ll never get through!
HARVEY
Please!
“God. Master of the Hunt, First in the Kill, the Winner. Crown of tears. I mean to go away. Prudence and awe. Acts of gods. Highest conduct. Wise. Possession. Those who have it have.” You see? We were almost finished.
HARVEY
You cut things like “of,” it’s ludicrous.
MISS NOMISSER
You’re not very good at this, are you.
(Long Pause. Man scowls, stares with disgust and injury at sock puppets.)
(To Harvey and Miss Nomisser:)
Sit down. Get back out there where you belong. (Harvey and Miss Nomisser have frozen in place. He moves their bodies to the spots the previously occupied as audience members.)
I’m not gonna tell you that you don’t make me sick. (Pause.)
Because that would be a lie. I can run this show without you, you now. All by myself. (With mocking disgust.)
I don’t “neeeeeeeed” “yoooooou.” (Pause.)
Would you even react if I did something like this? (Flashes the audience with his smock. [His clown suit is underneath, of course.])
Fine. That’s what I thought. You think you can make me question my profession. You think this unsettles me. You think I’m gonna let this get to me? Well you’re wrong. I simply don’t care. Not in the least. That’s it in a nutshell. So what I say to you is this: Fine. Be that way. Don’t snigger. Don’t whimper. Don’t laugh, don’t gasp, don’t’ cluck, don’t chuckle. I see how you are. No no, it’s O.K. Just sit there, and stare, or sleep, or think about what you’re going to eat and where and with whom, and when you’ll get to sleep tonight and where and with whom . . . You think it’s easy to entertain you people? (To self:) Look who I’m talking to. But, no, you’re absolutely right. The Theatre’s dead. Been dead since Andy Kaufman died. And he wasn’t even an actor!
(Long silence.)
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
We’re still not having any fun yet.
(In Director’s voice:)
Oh? You want to have “fun” do you? Is that why you’re here?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Of course. Even if you cut it, there was nothing going on. Just talk. It wasn’t violence. That was just talk about violence.
(In Director’s voice:)
So use your imagination. (Gets drink.)
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I don’wanna. This is silly.
(Groans, in male bride’s voice:)
Yes, what fun is that?
(In Director’s voice:)
Not what you expected? Are you “disappointilated”?
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
No. I’m bored. I wanna play.
(In Director’s voice:)
All righty let’s play. Harvey? You up for it?
(Groans, in male bride’s voice:)
Oh I don’know. I don’t feel so good.
(In Director’s voice:)
Are you depresseded again.
(In male bride’s voice:)
I think so.
(In Director’s voice:)
You want some more vodka?
(In male bride’s voice:)
I feel sick to my stomach.
(In Director’s voice:)
Care for a pickle? (Pause.)
Come on now. It’s a tragedy, it’s sposed to make you feel happy!
(In male bride’s voice:)
Is that what’s called a paradox?
(In voice of Maria from The Sound Of Music:)
Well. Ya know, “when anything bothers me and I’m feeling unhappy, I just try to think of nice things.”
(In male bride’s voice:)
“What kind of things?” (Pleading:)
Oh, please let us join in.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Yes. Come on. Don’t take things so hard. We love working with you. It’s the greatest experience of our lives! Really!
(Pause.)
MAN
Oh, all right.
(Changes to male bride’s voice:)
Hurrah! Bravo!
(To Miss Nomisser’s:)
Yippee! This is gonna be the most fun I’ve had since . . . I don’t know when!
(To Director’s voice:)
O.K. This is Maria. Who wants her.
(Alternating between voices of male bride and Miss Nomisser:)
Me! Me! I do! I do! Pick me! Pick me! Pleeeeeeeese?!
(Director’s voice:)
Eeeny meany miney moe. (To Miss Nomisser:)
You take her.
(Miss Nomisser’s:)
Weeeeeeee!
(Male bride’s:)
Shucks. Teacher’s pet, teacher’s pet.
(Director’s:)
Now, Harvey. Don’t make me get out the apples and the stethoscope.
(Male bride’s:)
Can I play anyway?
(Director’s:)
Play who?
(Male bride’s:)
Just a person. An audience member.
(Director’s:)
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life, Harvey.
(Miss Nomisser’s:)
Me too.
(Male bride’s:)
Why?
(Director’s:)
That’s just not the way it works.
(Male bride’s:)
I could be one of the children.
(Director’s:)
I take that back. That
is the stupidest thing I’ve heard.
(Miss Nomisser’s:)
Me too.
(Director’s, to male bride:)
Now just sit quietly like you’re supposed to and listen and observe. (To Miss Nomisser:)
O.K.? Nice things. Ready?
(Pause. Snaps fingers. Miss Nomisser comes alive again, begins singing.)
Miss Nomisser (In Maria’s voice, or simply her own:)
“Oh, well let me see: nice things: daffodils, green meadows, skies full of stars, raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens. (Singing:) Bright copper kettles, warm moolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things. Green-colored ponies and crisp apple streudels, doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles, wild geese that fly with a moon on their wings, these are a few of my favorite things. Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snow flakes that stay on my nose and eye lashes, silver white winters that melt into springs, these are a few of my favorite things. When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel soooo baaaaaaaad.”
(Right before end [immediately before “baaaaaaad”], phone rings. He jumps out of his skin, then quickly hops back inside it and finds phone. The ring has frozen Miss Nomisser. [During the following, he gets another drink from fridge, tripping and becoming tangled in the phone cord with his enormous shoes as he does so.])
(Rapidly into receiver:)
Yyyyyyyyeeeeeellow.
Morty’s Moruary Services, you cut ‘em we gut ‘em, you lose ‘em we abuse ‘em, you remember ‘em we dismember ‘em, Jeffy weffy speaky weaking? . . .
(Worried but trying not to sound it:)
Oh — ah . . uh oh. . . . Ya ya! Hideyhodey, Inspector! . . . No I didn’t know it was you. . . . Yes. . . . Yes you did. . . . I thought it was . . I don’t know who I thought it was, but I . . .
(Submissively:)
Yes. . . . Yes, I didn’t forget. . . . I tell you I remember. . . . Oh, all right, it’s ah . . ummmmmmmm “hello,” ya, “hello,” “hello,” and then iiiiit’sss . . –Ah! Ah hah! I’ve got it it’s “hello, Street Pete’s” — what is it, “Street Pete’s” — “Saint Pete’s” . . “Mammarian” — no no ah . . “Mummy” — no no, ah hah! It’s “hello, St. Pete’s Memorbidal Sir-vices, may I take your order” — ummm “May I help you?”–no no NO . . . Yes, Inspector. . . . No I’m not playing around. O.K.: it’s “How can we ease your grief this evening.” . . . Right, or, “Good mourning, Pete’s — I mean St. Pete’s — “ . . . Ah. Right. But don’t you think that sounds kind of silly Inspector? “Peter.” “Pater.” "Pee-tur.” I just . . . Well, that’s his name that’s his name, eh? Right then. . . . O.K. . . . O.K. . . . O.K. . . . O.K. . . . Okeydokey then. . . . Allah writer. . . . . No I haven’t tagged her yet, I can’t tagger until I get a positive identification Inspector. . . . Owl ridey. . . . Well course I’ll be here, where am I gonna go? . . . Shore. Bringer down. . . . Uh huh. . . . What is it? Suicide, homicide, infanticide, patricide, matricide, auto, or unkown. . . . Ho, unknown, hey? . . . Oh you think it was thrown. . . . Well I know you’re no “doctor” Inspector but if it’s lyin on the sidewalk there’s a good chance . . . I’m just sayin, I’ll be able to say — maybe — that it was thrown screamin the whole way down or it was strangled or bludgeoned or smothered in the tub then thrown inert, but that’s about it, see? . . . Noooo. . . . That’s just the way it is, that’s how it works, Inspector, that’s how things are. . . . Well how’s it gonna crawl off the balcony? . . . Well could you do that when you were two? . . . Well, you were a precocious little puppy Inspector. Let me ask you someting, Inspector: what would be it’s motive? This baby. . . . . . Charming. You should write romance novels, Inspector. But my guess is that it was choked then thrown, just off the top of my head. That’s usually how it goes. . . . I don’t know, that’s just the way it works. . . . No I’m not sayin that, I’ll look at ‘em, bring ‘em in, I’m just quoting you an estimate. Free of charge by the way. . . . Uh huh. . . . Drowning? . . . You’re thinkin suicide then? . . . Uh huh. Does her insurance cover that? . . . Well look into it then. . . . I’m a freelance, Inspector, now I can’t work waitin for the state to pay me, I got an old mother ta feed, and she eats, Inspector, eats like you never seen. You wanna know somethin Inspector? I been usin steak knives and stage makeup here, and if I run outta formaldehydeeho, well we got a stinky situation. . . I said formaldehyde. . . . That’s what I said. . . . No next of kin, eh? Somebody her age? With her charm? Young? Adorable? I can’t believe it. . . . Oh, fourteen. I thought you said forty. Well just haul her straight down to the incinerator. . . Yes. . . . Well we don’t know could she swim, so what’s the– . . . Well bring her down if you want, but– . . . ObeeKaybee. See you then, then.
(Hangs up.)
Now then. Where were we before we were so rudely interrupted.
(Turns, stands facing out, emits heavy sigh.)
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
I know!
(In Director’s voice:)
Grandiose and splendiferous. You off us with a start.
(In Miss Nomisser’s voice:)
Lonely Goat Herd!
(Apathetic.)
Fine. Off we go. (Snaps fingers. Miss Nomisser comes alive, sings.)
“High on a hill was a lonely goat herd lay-ee-oh-delay-ee-oh-delay-he-who. Loud was the voice of the lonely goat herd lay-ee-oh-delay-ee-ode-de-loo. Folks in a town that was quite remote heard lay-ee-oh-delay-ee-oh-delay-he-who. Lusty and clear from the goat herd’s throat heard lay-ee-oh-delay-ee-ode-de-loo. (In Director’s voice:) Ho ho, lady oh delee ho, ho ho lady oh-delay, ho ho, lady oh-delee ho, lady oh delee oh-lay.”
(In Director’s voice:)
Come on, Harvey-warvy. Join in the fun. (Temptingly:) You can be the prince.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Oh, I don’t know if I —
(In Director’s voice:)
Oh don’t be a parade-rainin party-poopin spoilt sport dead beat. Get off your arsenic and yodel a moment. Come on Harvey-warvy! (During these lines he hauls the male bride from the table and stands him up, poking at him.) Let’s go Harvey, you can’t just be a spectopotater.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Ohhhh . . . Aaaall right.
(In Director’s voice:)
So come on then! (Snaps. Harvey comes to life.)
HARVEY
How’s it go?
(In Director’s voice:)
“A prince on the bridge of a castle mote heard — “ Come on, come on.
HARVEY
This is downright silly. If my mother could see me now.
MAN
Oh, come on. You know you want to. Here. I’ll start us off. (Sings:)
“A prince on the bridge of a castle mote heard lay-ee-oh-delay-ee-oh-delay-he-who. Men on a road with a load to tote heard lady-oh-delay-dee-ode-de-loo. Come on, Harvy-warvy! Don’t just sit there like a bump on a pickle! Join in the fun!
HARVEY
I guess I’m more used to straight shows.
(In Director’s voice:)
Change is positive thing, Harvey.
HARVEY
All right.
(In Director’s voice:)
Ready? Here we go!
(They sing again from the beginning. Harvey joins, at first reluctantly and then getting more and more into it.)
“A prince on the bridge of a castle mote heard lay-ee-oh-delay-ee-oh-delay-he-who. Men on a road with a load to tote heard lady-oh-delay-dee-ode-de-loo. Men in the midst of a tavern joke heard lay-ee-oh-delay-ee-oh-delay-he-who. Men drinking beer with the foam afloat heard lady-oh-delay-dee-ode-de-loooohuhhuhuhhugch
(Both together fall into fits of spasmodic coughing and wretching.)
Oh Chases! Chase us! (They collapse on one another. Help one another back to the table by Man, both still coughing and struggling, holding each other for support; lie together, each gasping for breath and choking. [Note: they should by as synchronized as possible.] Gradually Man gets better, regains his composure, as Harvey does the opposite, emitting finally something like the death rattle. Then freezes, is still.)
(Man’s face becomes alert, listens and stares at male bride.)
(In male bride’s voice:)
Oh God! Oh my God! What have we done!
(In Director’s voice:)
Why are you doing that. Why are you praying now? Is God responsible? Well, better late than never. Which god do you want? You’ve got to be more specific. Tell me and I’ll send for him.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Oh! Oooh! Oh Heavens! Aaahhhhooooh-oh-oh-ow-ee-eeoh-ooooee, Woe, Oh my word, Woe, Ho, Ha, Oh, Ooh, ooooohhhhhh, huh-huh-huh-huh . . .
(In Director’s voice, timidly:)
Everything all right?
(In male bride’s voice:)
Doctor? (Moans, gasps, cries out.)
(Standing. In Director’s voice:)
Who me? I’m no . . Is there a doctor in the house? (Shouting:) I say: is there a doctor in the house!
(Man cries out etc. in male bride’s voice.)
(In Mother’s voice:)
Jeffry? What are you doing down there? What’s all that racket?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Nothing Mother! Just got a bit of a situation here’s all.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Ackgroooohoho!gggnnnnnnng-eh-eh-eh-huh-huh
(In Mother’s voice:)
A what Jeffry?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Don’t worry Mother. I’ll take care of it.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Load hab Murky! Hoahh-urghuuuuhoo-oh! Woe! Woe, uh, uh, eh, ah, ungmmm, ooo, hel-, hel-, heeeel, helllllmmmmmm . . .
(In Mother’s voice:)
You worry me Jeffry.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Don’t be worried Mother! Just entertaining the kiddies!
(In male bride’s voice [now fraught with pain and panic]:)
Doctor, quick! Halooorgheh-eh-elklaugh-ha-ha-hah-haaahh, hmmngh . . .
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
What is it? Do you have a demon?
(In male bride’s voice [interspersed with klicking and klucking like that of the South African Kung Bushmen tribes:)
Halfutgruk klung king teel vech mooee shorf rrghah-ah lep schlip vung tuvef metpah plaaaaaaaahhhhgh!
(Pause.)
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Voot you lake it token oot fdom zair? (In voice of Southern Christian Evangelist:) Aeengul uhv Sea-ton, Ah cayst yoo I-owt e-in thuh nayum uv Gee-suss Crosst ow-er Lower’d. In the nayum uv thuh Load, kweeut theeus sacar-ed tampull. Fower Gowd’s sayuk gouh ba-yuck ho-wum toowuh yo-wer whyuf ay-und yo-wer cheel-drin. Bah thuh par e-invayst-e-ed e-in may, Ah odor yoo tuh–
(In male bride’s voice:)
Come here! I think it’s happening! Hurry, Doctor, it’s happening! I can feel it!
(Man’s face shows great fear, then suddenly becomes calm and professional Doctor as [socks still on hands] he goes over to table on which male bride is lying.)
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Now just remain calm. Don’t move, remain where you are, and this’ll all be over in a minute. Oh yes, and lie flat, can’t you?
(Man, in male bride’s voice, screams out in agony.)
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Hush now, don’t be alarmed, this is a perfectly natural and normal bodily function, happens all the time. You just need to be patient, don’t get hysterical. How do you feel, do you feel O.K.? You need something to bite down on. Here, let me . . .
(Looks around for something for the patient to bite down on — [perhaps his red clown’s nose, in which case he screams when the male bride bites down on it, or simply one of the sock puppet ‘characters,’ in which case he shrieks “
Help me, help me, she’s eating me alive!” in Pentheus’s voice followed by “Hush, Pentheus. Go to sleep” in Doctor’s voice]. Shoves it into patient’s mouth.)
(Screaming out through gag in male bride’s voice throughout following [in between Doctor’s dialogue]: In Doctor’s voice:)
Come on now, push. (He spreads male bride’s legs as though corpse is in labor. [The legs stay in place.]) Push, you can do it. PUSH! PUSH DAMN YOU RIGHT TO HELLMET! . . . Here, grab hold of this and hang on as if your LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! (He is now in transition from Doctor to Groom. He moves male bride’s arms so that he is gripping the table and/or wall or nearest stable object.) Now squeeze that monkey outta there. Just shove the little bastard right on out. What are you WAITING for! Spit it out, you cunt! This INSTANT! Spit it right into my hands, right here, here we go now, cough it up, vomit it up now, let it out, just puke it out. What is your DEAL are you CONSTIPATED? Now OUT WITH IT! PUSH HARDER! NOW PUSH, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH . . . (Rhythmically he continues to chant until, as though reaching sexual climax [or as though emerging from the womb himself], he collapses on top of male bride, panting. When he gets up, he holds a naked Barbie doll, which he cradles dotingly.) Oohh, ooooooh lookatchuuu. Aren’t you precious. Hoo hooooo. Aren’t you just precious? You jis soo pruse us orun jew yoo widow adooruhbowl ting oh hoh hoo . . . (Continues blithering in baby talk.)
(Finally remembers ‘mother’[male bride], looks at him. In Doctor’s voice:)
Well well well. That was quite an ordeal. But, “all’s well that ends well.” “All’s well that ends well,” no? Now aren’t you relieved? Hmm? Aren’t you glad you got that out of your system? Well I sure am. You wanna hold the little jalopy? Oh boil I love kiddily-cuddlies. Maybe someday I’ll . . .
(As though suddenly noticing that male bride is not moving:)
Heydeeho, there. Mrs. — er, Miss, uh, ahh . . . Harvey? . . . Haaaaarveeeeeey. . . . Are you awake Harvey-warvy? Mama mia? Bride not to be? Tawdry madre?
(Sing-songy:)
Rise and shiiiiiiine.
(In Psychologist’s voice:)
Vut sims to be zee pdobe-leem? Oddyou schleppink? Oddyou dremmink? . . . Ees verboten! Abscholuken verboten! Vaken oopen thismediamentalay!. . .
(Brief pause, stands above male bride’s head, looking down; feels chest for heartbeat, checks pulse, closes the eyelids.)
Aahh me.
(In Jesus’s voice:)
Lazarus. Rise, Lazarus. Rise and walk. Now, Lazarus, now Goddamnit. Rise! Rise I tell you! Now that’s an order! Are you disobeying a direct order? Is that what you’re doing, Lazarus? Answer me you dead beat!
(Looks at Barbie, expression of panic.)
Oh my Goad! Vaken oopen place! Don’t go into the light. Oh Cheeses.
(He begins to resuscitate the Barbie with electricity [
“Clear!,” etc.]. Finally gives up, then suddenly calm.)
Hm Not my forte.
(Holds Barbie doll by the hair out away from him.)
Now what am I gonna do with this! Damn it all to Help. Oh what tragic times we do abide.
(Tosses Barbie over shoulder across room.)
Well. Where were we.
(Brief pause. Gets drink. Snaps.)
Sing, please! Entertain me!
MISS NOMISSER
“One little girl in a pale pink coat heard lay-ee-oh-delay-ee-oh-delay-he-who. She yodeled back to the lonely goat herd lady-oh-delay-dee-ode-de-loo. Soon her mama”
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Oh I guess that’s my cue. Ahem. (She waits for him, then joins as he continues:) “Soon her mama with a gleaming gloat heard lay-ee-oh-delay-ee-oh-delay-he-who. What if you went for a girl and goat herd lady-oh-delay-dee-ode-de-loo.”
(He begins to dance about with Miss Nomisser while they both hum the music, Man drinking all the while.)
(He tosses Miss Nomisser down on couch and picks male bride up, dances, hums. Man getting quite drunk.)
Loosen up, Harvey-warvy! You’re a little stiff tonight.
(Snaps. Harvey comes alive.)
Now you’re getting into it Harvey!
Harvey (Man accompanying him, either in words or humming
🙂 “Happy are they lady-oh lady-ee-oh, oh lady oh lady lady-ho. Soon the duet will become a trio lady oh-delay-dee-oh-de-low.”
(The three dance about and sing.)
MISS NOMISSER
Oh-delay heeeee.
HARVEY
Oh-delay-heeeee.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Oh-delay-hee-hee.
MISS NOMISSER
Oh-delay-heeeeeeee.
HARVEY
Oh-de-lady-oh-delay.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Oh-de-lady-oh-de-lee.
MISS NOMISSER
Oh-de-lady-oh-de-lee.
HARVEY
Oh-de-lady-oh-de-lady-oh-delay.”
(The other two continue dancing and singing, while Man stops, wanders about the room, confusedly. Harvey and Miss Nomisser continue singing [somewhat more softly, just so Man’s voice is audible] and dancing during the following. [They can sing snippets of various showtunes in a random medley.]:)
(As he gets drink, in ‘normal’ voice:)
Well, back to the business at hand. Mustn’t mix too much business with pleasure. Or pleasure with business. Same solution.
(Gets pad and paper or clipboard [again, these could be imaginary], approaches Harvey. He proceeds to follow Harvey about, trying to interview him and examine him as Harvey sings and dances about crazily.)
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Well now what seems to be the trouble.
(In male bride’s voice:)
I just don’t’ know Doctor. There’s something wrong with my arm. I think it’s lost its mind.
(In Doctor’s voice:)
And what makes you say that.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Well Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
(Man grabs male bride’s arm and swings it around violently in a circle. In Doctor’s voice:)
Well then don’t do that.
(In male bride’s voice:)
Oooohhhh. All right.
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Anything else? (In male bride’s voice:)
Why yes, actually: I think there might be something wrong with my cervix.
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Oh? And what’s she doing to you then.
(In male bride’s voice:)
She’s being naughty.
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Indeed! Well let’s have a look at her, shall we?
(Goes to trunk, gets salad tongs. Throws Harvey down on talbe. Pulls dress up over Harvey’s head, begins removing undergarments. [The illusion could be maintained that the garments are in fact removed, provided Harvey’s head is upstage toward audience, or if the Man simply sticks his head beneath the gown, tosses out undergarments, and continues speaking, voice muffled by dress:])
(Miss Nomisser continues to dance and sing. Harvey continues to sing, and moves about like a beetle on its back trying to dance horizontally.)
(In Doctor’s voice:)
Ah HAH. Well well welt! Hermaphroindicty. Best of both worlds. That explains a lot. Worse of both too I daresay. Oh my word what a beautiful specimen. That’s the finest cervix I’ve ever seen. No kidding that’s really something. Oh my word. If I do say so. Yes yes indeedadoodoo day. Holy shy-tollies. Nurse! Nurse, come and have a look at this. Come on, put wings on your feet, man!
(He emerges, goes to Miss Nomisser, lifts her up, hauls her over to male bride, places her on her knees and sticks her head beneath male bride’s dress. Miss Nomisser remains on knees where he has put her, but continues dancing and singing in this kneeling position.)
Now tell me that isn’t remarkable. Just phenomenal. A gem, that is. A pearl I tell you. . . . All right, that’s enough, you can come out of there now. I think you’ve seen enough, show’s over. Vamos, man! You want to discombobulate the poor girl?
(He pulls Miss Nomisser out, drops her on floor. She immediately gets up and keeps dancing.)
Ahem. Now then. It appears, Harvey, that you’ve died of fear, shame and anguish. It’s to be expected. Family won’t be happy to hear it though. Let’s see now.
(Goes to trunk, gets toe tags.)
Here we are.
(Writing on tag:)
Harvey Hull Hardy. Born — when were you born? Oh well, it doesn’t matter much now, does it? We can just say, “Born on a gorgeous day in May, under a sickamore tree.” Sound O.K. to you? Dandy, dandylyin. “Cause of death”:
(Considers. As he writes:)
We’ll just say “anguish.” Sums it up nicely I think. No need to waste words. No no. This isn’t an obituary, or an epitaph. It’s just a — well like a name tag, isn’t it. An identity card. “Next of kin.” Hm. Well that’d be you, Miss Nomisser. If
in fact that’s your real name.
(Following Miss Nomisser around as she dances, trying to speak with her:)
Miss Nomisser, it appears that you’ve died of grief. Yes, grief. Sorry to be the one to tell you. Not a broken heart now, mind you — the two are as different as they are similar. Not exactly anguish. This, I’m afraid, was just your typical run-of-the-mill lonely hopeless forlorn and forsaken old grief. Nothing to be done about that, I’m afraid. That’s just the way things are. Consider yourself lucky you died when you did. Let’s see now. Here we are.
(Writing on tag:)
“Died of grief” — “common grief,” we’ll say. Like “common cold.”
(Pause. Ponders. Writes:)
Right then. “Next of kin”: Well that’d be you, Harvey. Wait now. They must mean living kin. That could be tougher, yes induty dada die. Well? Got any successors? Not likely. Any failores? Well I don’t think it matters. If they were close they’ll notice your absence and I’ll be hearin from em, if they didn’t know you were alive they don’t need to know you were dead. Stands to reason. So. Ahem. “Height.” Hm. They must mean “length.” Well let’s just see, shall we?
(Goes to trunk, gets tape measure. Gets drink. Grabs Miss Nomisser, throws her down on couch, begins measuring her.)
Now you’re going to have to sit still, Miss, if we’re going to get this anywhere near right. Mind if I call you Miss? Good. Hm. 66. Now do they want it in metrics you spose? Or feet. I think I’ll put it in hands. That’s what I’ll do. Like a horsey worsey.
(Measures her with his hands.)
11. Nice and symmetrical. Of course hands vary but it’s all relative anyhow. “Weight.” Now is that with or without the end trails? Hum. Let’s wait with that, shall we? “Ethnicity.” Hum. Should be “optional,” shouldn’t it? I’d say so. I’m resolved to leave it blank. Political statement if you will. Or if you won’t. This is not a democracy. Whatta you care. . . . You know, Harvey, you’re looking a trifle pekid. How do you feel? (Pause.)
Well we’ll fix that, you better believe it. Here, have a drink first.
(Gets drink, begins pouring it down Miss Nomisser’s throat. [She drinks willingly, but keeps dancing so that half of it runs down her chin and shirt.])
That help? Ease the pain? Make you feel a little more chipper? That cured what ailed ya, didn’t it. Let me take care of Harvy, here, and then we’ll see how you feel after a little bit, all righty?
(Goes to trunk, gets makeup kit.)
Ah, to be made up. Quite the life.
(Begins digging in makeup kit.)
You need some color in you. I’m thinking . . . I’m thinking blue. Or green.
(Singing:)
“
Maybe it’s Maybeliene.” What have we got here.
(Reading:)
“
Baby blue.” Mm huh. Ya, I get lots a those blue babies let me tell you. Drowned or strangled or smothered or cudgeled. But what can you do with a thing like that. I say close the coffin but some people like to see that sort of thing. I dunno: Reminisce.
(Reading:)
“Sanguinaria” by “T.B. Green.” No, not red, not red, no red, I don’t want red, you don’t want red do you. No I thought not. Nix on the red.
(Pause. Pained and puzzled expression. Snaps out of it.)
Ahem. “Bloated blue.” “Seaweed green” by “Causa Natural.” Cute. “Gang green.” “Cyanide yeller” by “O.D. White Distributors.” “Underripe Lemon.” For the untimely. “Moldy Avocado.” Strange. Don’t think I’ve tried that one. Well, first time for everything. Last time too I daresay. Let’s give her a day in court.
(Begins following Harvey around again, trying to paint his/her face. In stereotypical homosexual haidresser’s voice:)
Oh, yeth, that’th jutht mar
veluth. You
, have got
, incredible bone structure, hath anyone ever told you that? I, would not, kid you about thomething like that, that’th jutht . . . Have you ever modeled? Becauthe let me tell you thweetheart, your, fathe, ith tho . . . And it’th not jutht your fathe! I mean that
, figure
, ith thumthing elthe. And thothe eyeth are jutht to die for. . . . Oh, Harvey, you really
do
it for me.
(Begins to caress male bride’s face, tenderly and then sensuously.)
You’ve been so cold
to me lately darling, I jutht loathe the cold shoul
der. I can’t thtand
it when you’re thilent with me, tho far away.
(Throws Harvey down on table. Begins to crawl on top of him.)
Oh, lover
!
(Grabs Harvey’s arm and flings it over his own back.)
Oh, Harvey! What’th gotten into
you! You know what, Harvey: rigor mortith ith the clothetht you’ve come to a hard on sinthe our honeymoon!
(Suddenly the Inspector walks in, followed by a woman being consoled by a man, apparently her husband. They see the Man and stop, staring speechless. The moment they enter, Harvey and Miss Nomisser freeze, fall dead. Man does not notice anything.)
(Continuing in homosexual hairdresser’s voice:)
Oh, Harvey! Hard
er, Harvey, hard
er! You make me feel so alive!
(Inspector clears throat. Man does not hear. Woman shrieks, breaks into sobs, buries her head into husband’s chest; husband consoles her. The moment she screams Jeffry stops, turns in panic, stares at Inspector, who looks away. Very long silence but for woman weeping and man muttering softly
“there there, don’t look, it’ll be all right, I know, I know, I know . . .” as Man looks from intruders to dead bodies and back again.
)
Inspector (to man and wife:)
Maybe the two of you should wait outside.
(Husband nods, leads wife off.)
Inspector: What’s been happening here, Jeffry.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I . . . just . . . I was just . . .
Inspector: Jeffry. I want to know what you’ve —
(In Mother’s voice:)
You leave my Jeffry alone! Why are you persecuting him! Don’t you think he’s got enough to worry over without —
Inspector: Jeffry! Get a hold of yourself! What in the name of God —
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I . . . Please don’t . . . Just . . . I was just . . . Just enter . . . tainting . . the . . . Just . . . As . . . All . . . .
(Pause. Man chokes back tears, cannot look at Inspector.)
Inspector: I’m going to . . . You know I’m going to have to . . . Ah, Jeffry. I just . . . I’m just . . .
(Suddenly the bulb shorts out and goes dark. Only the fluorescent remains.)
Inspector: What just happened?
MAN
. . . I think the bulb burnt out.
(Pause.)
Inspector: I’m going to go now Jeffry. But I’ll be back. O.K.? . . . You all right? . . . Well don’t go anywhere Jeffry. I know you know better than that. Just stay right here and don’t go anywhere O.K.? . . . (Inspector begins to back away, then turns to leave, looking back once at Jeffry, who is huddled now on floor in fetal position.)
Inspector: You got a flashlight or anything?
(Pause. Finds flashlight, switches it on. Gives it to Jeffry. It shines on his face from below.)
There. Nothing to fear. Nothing to be afraid of, Jeffry. I won’t be long.
(Goes. Pause.)
(In a childlike variation of ‘normal’ voice:)
Mother? . . . Mother?
(In Mother’s voice:)
What is it Jeffry? What’s the matter?
(In same childlike voice:)
It’s all dark Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
I know Jeffry.
(In child’s voice:)
I’m cold Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
Wrap your self up nice and snug Jeffry.
(In child’s voice:)
I did Mother. It didn’t help me Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
I’m going to soak in the tub now Jeffry. Do you want to soak in the tub with me?
(Man shakes head, keeps shaking it.)
(In Mother’s voice:)
How come?
(In child’s voice:)
I don’t like it Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
What don’t you like Jeffry?
(In child’s voice:)
The red Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
It’s only natural Jeffry.
(In child’s voice:)
It scares me Mother.
(In Mother’s voice:)
You can close your eyes if you want to.
(Pause. Man shakes his head.)
(In Mother’s voice:)
Well I’m going to soak in the tub now Jeffry.
(In child’s voice:)
All right Mother. You won’t fall asleep again . . will you Mother?
(In Mother’s voice:)
No. I’ll try not to Jeffry.
(In child’s voice:)
Please Mother?
(In Mother’s voice:)
I won’t Jeffry.
(In child’s voice:)
Promise?
(Pause.)
(In Mother’s voice:)
I promise Jeffry. (Pause.) You’ll come and check on me though. Won’t you Jeffry?
(Pause. Man nods head.)
(In Mother’s voice:)
You’ll check on me?
(In child’s voice:)
Yes Mother.
(Pause.)
(In Mother’s voice:)
Need anything?
(Ponders, perplexed. In ‘normal’ voice, half to himself:)
Do I . . “need” . . .
(In Mother’s voice:)
Care for anything? Naturally you don’t care for anything, do you, Jeffry?
(Ponders longer, perplexed and disconcerted. In ‘normal’ voice, more to himself:)
Do I . . . “care for . . .”
(In Mother’s voice:)
Jeffery?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yes Mother?
(In Mother’s voice:)
Everything all right?
(Ponders etc. In ‘normal’ voice:)
All . . . “right” . . . ?
(In Mother’s voice:)
You all right?
(Ponders longer etc. In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yes. I think . . . it’s all . . right. Everything’s always been all right. And it will always be.
(Man emits heavy sigh. Looks up, looks at bodies, looks down. Slowly, like an old man, lies down on couch, on his back, closes eyes, as:)
(In Agave’s voice [but monotone, colorless]:)
“What honor is mine to give, save to the dead, my son, whom I must, with a mother’s hands, these hands that killed him, decently lay out for burial — small solace for the dead!”
(Long silence. Gets up, goes to trunk, gets toe tag. Sits on couch, stares down at tag.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Well? That him? Do you recognize him?
(In ‘normal’ voice [but with variation, monotone and colorless]:)
No.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
You can’t make a positive identification?
(Man shakes head.)
(In ‘normal’ voice [colorless]:)
Well, we’ll just leave it blank then. It doesn’t really matter now. Does it?
(Lies down, hanging tag on his own toe; lies down flat again, closes eyes. Long silence.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice [this can actually be rather pleasant]:)
Jeffry.
(Man’s eyes open, face listens.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Wake up Jeffry.
(Slowly sits up, looks up and around him as though not recognizing his surroundings.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
How are you feeling Jeffry?
(Turns toward the voice — that is, toward the upstage wall. Slowly rises, walks to mirror, stands before it.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
I said how . . .
(Pause.)
Are you feeling Jeffry?
(Pause. Shrugs his shoulders. Pause.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Do you know why you’re here Jeffry?
(In ‘normal’ voice [monotone and colorless throughout all of following]:)
Yes. . . . No.
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Well? Which is it?
(Pause.In ‘normal’ voice:)
No.
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
You’re here because you’re dead, Jeffry.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Um.
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Did you know that?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Yes. I’ve long suspected it.
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
And do you know why you’re dead Jeffry?
(Pause.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No.
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
You’re dead because you’ve died.
(Pause.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Um.
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
And do you know why you’ve died Jeffry?
(Pause. Shakes head.)
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No. . . . I don’t.
(Long pause. Face is troubled, ponderous, fixed on his image in mirror.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Do you remember your life Jeffry?
(Pause. Nods head.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Do you want to remember?
(Longer pause. Shakes head.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Do you miss your Mother Jeffry?
(Man nods head.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Do you blame yourself?
(Pause. Man shrugs.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Would you like to help her if you could?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I can’t help her. Can I?
(Pause.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Do you miss your self?
(Pause. Shrugs.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Do you blame yourself?
(Man shrugs.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Do you have any regrets?
(Shrugs. In ‘normal’ voice:)
Of course.
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
And what might they be.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
I regret everything.
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Everything Jeffry? That’s a bit dramatic. Isn’t it?
(Pause.)
(Shakes head.)
No. I regret nothing. Why in Hell should I?
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Do you believe you’re in Hell Jeffry?
(Man shrugs.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
You’re not in Hell Jeffry.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Um.
(Long pause.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Would you like to give it another shot?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
Give who another shot? Another shot of what?
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Would you like to go back, do it over, give it another try, another go?
(Pause. Man shakes his head. Pause. Man stares at floor with empty expression.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Is there anything you’d like to say Jeffry?
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
To who?
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
To anyone. Anyone you wish.
(In ‘normal’ voice:)
No. No one even knows I’m alive. And I’ve given up on wishy-washing.
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Is there anything you’d like to say to yourself?
(Pause. Shrugs.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Or ask yourself?
(Pause. Shakes head. Long pause.)
(In Inquisitor’s voice:)
Well then. That’ll be all Jeffry.
(Pause. Man slowly rises, takes off coroner’s smock, gets clown suit, wig and nose and puts them on in front of mirror. Studies himself briefly. Holds head up with dignity. Lies back down on couch, shuts eyes, folds hands over chest.)
(Long pause. Slow fade.)
(OPTIONAL ENDING: After the man lies down in dead position [long silence], footsteps are heard descending stairs. Door opens, a man enters wearily, mopily, also dressed as a clown [or perhaps as a mime, as a priest, or as Santa Clause] carrying a bag or case, which he sets down heavily, collapses on couch [thus sitting atop Jeffry’s body, seemingly without noticing that Jeffry is even there], emits heavy sigh, stares out vacantly [same business as at open]. Long silence. Slow fade.)
END