Un
OR, Parasight
OR, The Undermind
a play
in three acts
by
dustin hansen
Cast of Characters
| Joe | The landlord and resident manager of the building. A jolly and talkative man who always wears and apron but never wears any pants. A narcoleptic. guard in a high-security prison. |
| Emma | Joe’s wife of twenty years or so. Blind. Quiet for the most part, but always listening. A writer and a painter. |
| Murphy | A tenant. A clown by profession. Never speaks, never is without his clown suit. Occasionally communicates with a small horn which he honks to indicate yes, or as a vague response. Lives alone. |
| Salmon | A tenant. Extremely old and semi-senile. Likes faking ailments and illnesses for pity. Lives alone. |
| Don | A tenant. A philosopher (empiricist) and translator. A fairly pragmatic and easy-going sort. Fairly long white beard. Relentlesslly long-winded. Lives with his identical twin brother Sancho. |
| Sancho | Don’s twin. Also a philosopher (idealist). Same long white beard as Don. Sleeps most of the day and meditates the rest of the time. Is rarely seen. Eyes piercing and intense, at other times vague and hazy as though nothing is behind them and staring at nothing. |
| Creepy | A reclusive tenant. A writer. Lives alone. Never makes a sound. No one ever sees him, or can say what he looks like or who he is. No one knows his name, and so they all call him "Creep" or "Creepy." Keeps his door locked at all times, never comes out, never answers the door (even verbally) or the phone. The only person who sees him is Murphy, who brings him things when he needs them. |
| Eddy | A young man. The new tenant. Lives alone. |
Note: Don and Sancho are played by the same actor. The actors who play Eddy and Joe, if possible, should look as alike as possible (excepting age difference).
Scene 1
JOE and EMMA’s apartment, on the first and bottom floor of the building of which they are the landlords/caretakers.
(Note on lighting: when it is light inside, the outside cannot be seen; when it is dark inside, the outside can be seen clearly through the window; when it is dim, little can be seen inside or outside-—or everything can be seen, but hazily, indistinctly.)
ACT I
Scene 1
SETTING: Upstage center, a window, beyond which lies JOE’s garden. A desk, on which sits a small replica of the statue of liberty and above which hangs a good-sized mirror. Next to mirror, a photograph of JOE’S father, the splitting image of EDDY. (Note: if possible, EDDY and JOE should also bear a striking resemblance.) A grandfather clock. A table. A couch (JOE’S bed). Coffee table. A TV. An easel with an unfinished painting on it, facing upstage. A small desk with typewriter and paper. One door leads to the bedroom (where EMMA sleeps). Hanging in various places are some of EMMA’s paintings. One of them is a fragmented portrait painted over an old jigsaw puzzle.
AT RISE: New Year’s day. Early morning. Apartment in shambles, strewn with the remnants of the previous night’s party. JOE stands in a shirt and boxer shorts, ironing his pants while watching a soap opera. His facial expressions show that he is clearly an avid watcher and presently engrossed. Occasionally realizes he is not paying attention to the ironing and quickly lifts it from the pants and checks nervously to make sure he hasn’t burnt them.
(EMMA enters from bedroom, in robe. Heads straight for the couch, collapses on it, lies.)
JOE
Morning.
EMMA
Morning.
JOE
You’re up early.
(JOE leaves ironing, walks over to couch, sits down on EMMA’S back. EMMA moans. JOE picks up newspaper from table. Reads as he talks.)
EMMA
What time is it?
JOE
You know what today is?
(pause)
You remember who was born today?
EMMA
Don’t remind me.
(uncomfortable pause)
JOE
Happy new year!
(JOE picks up noise maker from coffee table, makes noise with it.)
EMMA (moaning, holding her head)
Again?
JOE
Yes again. What do you mean, "again"?
EMMA
Didn’t we get enough of that last night, Joe?
JOE
The first day of the rest of our lives.
(Makes noise with noise maker)
The future was born at midnight.
EMMA (wearily)
The future’s born every day, Joe.
JOE
But not like today!
(makes noise)
It’s the end of the world, as we know it.
(breathes the air deeply)
Ahh! Freedom!
(sets noise maker down, picks up paper again)
Did you make a resolution?
EMMA
Yes.
JOE
What.
EMMA
No more noise. No more parties. What about you?
JOE
Oh, nothing, really. Just: change.
(pause)
What a circus. I’m glad we decided on the costume party.
EMMA
You should clean this place up.
JOE
What do you care?
EMMA
You’re right. No one cares.
(reading something)
Good God! It makes me sick.
EMMA
What.
JOE
How can anyone do something like that?
EMMA
What, Joe.
JOE
What a planet.
(pause)
EMMA
So who was here, anyway? I don’t even remember who was here.
JOE
No? Everyone. Everyone was here. Just being themselves, smashed out of their minds, no one knows who anyone is. I could hardly see myself. I kept saying, Who are you supposed to be?, to everyone I saw.
EMMA
What a nightmare.
JOE
Ya know, people really become themselves, I think, only in a state like that.
EMMA
Who are they today then.
JOE
I think because it helps you to forget. Or to remember. Or both.
(pause)
Yup. It’s a new day. Time’s ripe for change.
EMMA
So put on some pants. For a change.
JOE
How do you know I’m not wearing pants?
EMMA
Do you ever?
JOE
Sure. Sure I do.
(pause)
Sometimes. When I work in the garden, for example. Can’t walk around naked in the garden. Well, I guess I could. No one can see me. Not through that fence.
EMMA
They could see you through the window.
JOE
What do you mean? Who’s going to be in my garden? No one. No one but me.
(pause)
Anyway you’re the one who wears the pants in this house.
EMMA (rubbing her temples)
Not today. Not anymore.
JOE
You got a headache? Shouldn’t have overdone it.
EMMA
You were the one who kept filling my glass.
JOE
Who, me? That’s a vicious lie. I wasn’t even there. Must have been someone else.
EMMA
When I said, No, I’ve had enough.
JOE
Ah, but see the fact that you kept drinking when I poured it means you hadn’t had enough. Had you. You can have much too much and it’s still never enough.
EMMA
I didn’t think I’d wake up today. I didn’t think I’d ever wake up again. I thought the Apocalypse must have come.
JOE
It did. It came, and it went. You just didn’t notice.
EMMA
So where does that leave me?
JOE
You better take something. It’s gonna be one hell of a day.
EMMA
Don’t remind me. Please, Joe.
JOE
The first of the month. God I dread this day. It’s gonna be a messy eternity.
EMMA
How many checks have you gotten?
JOE
Two.
EMMA
Ach.
JOE
The usual two. The schizophrenic and the sociopath. Sometimes I think they’re both sociopaths.
EMMA
Don’t say that.
JOE
Which means it’s story time. It is kind of interesting, though, seeing what they come up with.
EMMA
You always assume everyone’s lying.
JOE
Well, come on now. Last month Salmon tells me, "I tripped on the cat. I fell down a flight of stairs—-four flights," he says. The building’s only got three floors.
EMMA
Five.
JOE
Four.
EMMA
Five.
JOE
Well, unless you count the basement. But the only way into the basement is through the trap door out back. And we both know there’s no cat, there never was. They’re not even allowed. That goddam cane, he wouldn’t need that cane if he was crippled.
EMMA
What do you want, a note from his doctor?
JOE
And even if he did fall, it’s cause he was drunk out of his mind.
EMMA
He doesn’t drink.
JOE
Like hell.
EMMA
Murphy’s the one who drinks.
JOE
Everybody drinks, Emma. Even the philosophers drink.
EMMA
They’re unhappy, Joe.
(scoffing)
“Unhappy.” How can they be unhappy? They’re clones! They live with themselves! What could be easier than living with yourself for chrissake?
EMMA
I don’t know. Not living with yourself?
JOE
Unhappy! How can they be unhappy? This is America! You can do anything you want! Be anything you want! How can anyone be unhappy in America? You should be happy from the second you’re born, in America.
(suddenly falls asleep, head falls)
EMMA
Poor Murphy.
(pause)
That poor guy.
(pause)
Joe?
(pause)
Joe, have you fallen asleep?
(suddenly awakens)
What? Emma?
EMMA
Yes. It’s me.
JOE
Oh. Good. What did you say?
EMMA
I was saying, That poor guy.
JOE
Who?
EMMA
Murphy.
JOE
Oh, Murphy. Ya, "that poor guy." He better get richer quick if he plans to stay where he’s at much longer.
EMMA
That’s not what I meant.
JOE
How poor can a guy be who buys a liter of whisky a day?
EMMA
Put yourself in his shoes, Joe.
JOE
What "shoes"? The guy’s brain dead.
EMMA
He is not!
JOE
He can’t even speak.
EMMA
Just because he doesn’t doesn’t mean he can’t. You don’t know what goes through a person’s mind.
JOE
Exactly my point. Anyway nobody knows anything about him. How can I "put myself in his shoes"? I think the son of a bitch is a homo, besides.
EMMA
Well if he is, that’s my point. How can he be happy?
JOE
Homos make me sick.
EMMA
Maybe they make themselves sick, too, Joe.
JOE
Of course they do. They have to. They’re homos, for chrissake.
EMMA
You can be a real bastard, you know that?
JOE
No. I can’t be.
(indicating photograph on wall)
That’s my father. Now there was a man for you.
EMMA
He’s unhappy, Joe, that’s all I’m saying.
JOE
How can he be unhappy? He’s dead.
(pause)
He can’t be anything.
(suddenly falls asleep)
EMMA
I mean Murphy. Joe.
(pause)
He’s depressed.
(pause)
Joe.
(pause)
Joe?
(pause)
Joe!
(JOE wakes)
(confused)
What, who?
EMMA
Did you just fall asleep again?
JOE
Never. Never in my life. I wouldn’t dream of it. Now what are you talking about.
EMMA
Have you been sleeping?
JOE
Of course. What do you think I do all night, aerobics?
EMMA
That couch is the problem. You can’t–
JOE
I sleep like a dead baby, Emma. Now listen: who are you calling depressed, anyway?
EMMA
Murphy, Joe, Murphy!
JOE
Oh. What about him?
EMMA
He’s depressed.
JOE
Nobody’s questioning that.
EMMA
He’s lonely.
JOE
Why doesn’t he get a pet?
EMMA
We don’t allow them, remember?
JOE
He could get a bird, we allow birds. If they’re quiet. He
JOE (cont.)
could have a parrot. And all day long listen to it repeat, Woe is me, Woe is me, Woe is me.
EMMA
You’re too hard on them.
JOE
Well somebody’s got to be.
(suddenly falls asleep, head falls)
EMMA
Put yourself in their shoes.
(pause)
Joe.
(pause)
I mean, you only look at things through your eyes.
(pause)
Joe?
(pause)
Joe, are you asleep?
(pause. doorbell: plays the first six notes of the national anthem.)
(sighs)
It begins.
(goes to door, opens. MURPHY is there, wearing clown suit.)
Speak of the devil.
EMMA
Murphy?
(she rises, goes to door to greet him.)
JOE
You’re up early. It’s not even two yet. My God, man, do you sleep in that suit?
(MURPHY shakes head. EMMA takes his hand, shakes it, leads him inside.)
EMMA
Come sit down, Murphy.
(MURPHY shakes his head all the while she is leading him and right up until the moment he collapses into chair)
Coffee?
(he shakes his head. She goes to get him coffee.)
JOE
You feel like an egg, Murphy?
(pause. MURPHY stares at him.)
Why don’t you take off your pants?
(MURPHY stares at him, frightened.)
I’ll tell you what, Murphy: if I was in your shoes, I think I’d lose my mind. No sirree. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a wrinkle. The clothes make the man, I always say.
(pause. MURPHY stares down at his pants.)
I must say, that’s an interesting cologne you’re wearing today, Murphy. Quite fetching. What’s it called? Wiindsor? Early Times? Jim Beam?
(MURPHY stares at him. Shakes head. EMMA returns, puts cup of coffee in MURPHY’S hand. He stares at it.)
EMMA
Good?
JOE
He hasn’t tasted it yet.
EMMA
Oh.
(pause)
So how are you doing, Murphy? How are the kids treating you?
(MURPHY stares at her.)
JOE
Been entertaining the kiddies, have you?
(MURPHY stares at him. Shakes head)
What, business not so good?
(MURPHY shakes head)
That’s too bad, Murphy. I’m sorry to hear it.
EMMA
I’m sorry, Murphy.
(MURPHY stares at her.)
JOE
And how’s old creepy?
EMMA
Joe!
JOE
He knows who I mean. He still alive up there?
(pause. MURPHY stares at him, extremely nervous.)
Let me ask you something, Murphy.
(MURPHY stares at him.)
How old are you these days?
(pause. MURPHY stares at him. Stares at shoes. Shrugs)
Don’t you think it might be time to maybe think about, you know. Retiring? Throwing in the nose? Hanging up the suit?
(MURPHY stares at him. Shakes head)
I mean, doesn’t it get old? The same old routines? The jokes that aren’t even funny anymore and probably never were? The tired and tried old acts?
(MURPHY stares at him.)
I’m saying, maybe it’s time to quit clowning around and be something else. Just be yourself for a change.
EMMA
Oh, but he’s a wonderful entertainer. He loves it. Don’t you, Murphy.
(MURPHY stares at her.)
JOE
No, now I know, you get to be your own boss, your own master and all. But that also means you’re your own servant, your own slave, you see what I’m drivin at, Murphy?
(MURPHY stares at him.)
Sure, you can do what you want. But that means you gotta figure out what that is. And that also means listening to yourself. And ignoring yourself at the same time. That ain’t easy.
(pause)
You get me?
(pause)
You get what I’m saying? I’m saying, Wake Up, Murphy.
(pause)
I’ve seen this kind of thing before. And it looks to me like an identity crisis, Murphy, pure and simple.
(pause)
Do you see?
(pause)
Murphy. Where’s the horn?
(MURPHY takes out his horn.)
Ah, there she is! Aren’t you going to honk it?
(MURPHY shrugs.)
Honk it, man! Honk it!
(MURPHY stares at him.)
What are you waiting for? Christmas?
EMMA
Joe, don’t make him honk it if he doesn’t want to.
JOE
What are you talking about, are you nuts? Of course he wants to. How could he not want to. Look at him.
(MURPHY stares at her.)
I mean, Murphy, a guy’s gotta live. A guy’s got to make a living. Doesn’t he.
(pause. JOE suddenly falls asleep, head falls. pause. Just as suddenly he wakes. Declaiming:)
That’s what I always say! Yes, sir, I’ve always said it and I’ll say it again! I’ll say it to my dying day!
(pause)
EMMA
What, Joe?
(ponders briefly)
Nothing. Nothing!
(pause)
Honk if you understand me, Murphy.
(pause. MURPHY honks.)
That’s right. But what I’m saying, Murphy, is that maybe you could . . . You might think about . . . I don’t know. Something.
(silence. JOE nods continuously. Falls asleep, head falls. pause.)
EDDYEMMA
Joe, leave him alone.
(reassuringly, to MURPHY:)
You don’t need to think about anything, Murphy.
(pause)
Don’t listen.
(pause)
Joe?
(pause)
Joe, did you fall asleep?
(pause)
Murphy, is he asleep?
(MURPHY stares at JOE. Nods. Pause. Honks. JOE wakes, nods continuously)
EDDYJOE
Ah! So you do understand me! I’m glad we could have this little talk, Murphy.
(pause)
JOE (cont.)
Well anyway. You came to say you don’t have the rent and I understand. But let me just suggest this, Murphy: clean up your act.
(pause. MURPHY stares at shoes.)
Look at me, Murphy.
(MURPHY stares at shoes.)
All right, honk then. Honk if you’re with me, Murphy.
(MURPHY stares at him.)
You really are one ineffectual bastard, you know that Murphy? Sure you do. How could you not know it? But you don’t know you know it. And that’s the only reason I’m telling you this, Murphy, just so you know. I’m trying to tell you what you don’t know you know. But I think you know that you don’t know you know it. And that’s something. That’s a start.
(pause)
Just honk, would you, Murphy? For me?
(pause. MURPHY honks.)
Fine. That’s all. Anything else?
(MURPHY shrugs, nods, and shakes head at the same time. [It should resemble a small fit or seizure.])
Well all right then. Have a good one, Murphy. End of the week, remember.
(EMMA leads MURPHY to door.)
EMMA
Stop by and see us any time, Murphy. We’re always happy to have you.
JOE
Sure, sure. We’re always happy. Always.
(MURPHY stands in doorway facing them, just as when he first arrived.)
You sure you won’t let me iron your pants? Or your mask? Ha!
(MURPHY shakes head.)
I know it’s not a mask, Murphy. Learn to take a joke, eh? I’m not gonna pull your face off and flatten it. You know what your trouble is, Murphy? Your trouble is, you think too damn much. You let things get under your skin. You take things too seriously. Maybe you need a hobby. Something to occupy your mind. Do you still have those ventriloquist dummies I’ve heard so much about?
EMMA
You should get a parrot, Murphy!
(pause. JOE and MURPHY stare at her.)
JOE
Well, so long, Murphy.
(pause. MURPHY does not move. Stares. They wave at him. He does not move. EMMA goes and sits. JOE finally shuts door, stands, hand still on knob.)
EMMA
Poor Murphy. What a sad and lonely life.
(JOE silently opens the door again. MURPHY has not moved. They stare at one another.)
Sometimes I worry that he might really be at the end of his rope. The end of the line. At his wit’s end. Off the deep end without a paddle. A drowning man with no scubba gear.
(JOE silently shuts door, stands facing it. Pause.)
So when is he coming? The young man.
JOE
Oh, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . . One.
EMMA
What time is it?
(looks at watch)
He’s late.
EMMA
What time is it?
JOE
One O three.
EMMA
You think he’ll come?
JOE
I don’t know what’s so hard about being on time. He’s off to a bad start, I’ll tell you that. Might be better now if he didn’t come.
(doorbell)
EMMA
That must be him.
JOE
That must be him now.
(opens door. EDDY nods.)
You must be him.
EDDY
Yes, I guess I must be. I mean I guess that’s me.
JOE
(looks at watch. Smiles broadly.)
Come in. Edward, isn’t it?
EDDY
Yes. Call me Eddy.
JOE
All right. Eddy it is.
(leads EDDY to table)
The papers are all ready.
EDDY
All right.
JOE
But first I’d just like to just ask you a few things. Just . . . you know.
EDDY
Oh. All right.
JOE
Don’t look so nervous, it’s not a cross-examination, just . . . you know. I like to get to know my tenants.
EDDY
Fine.
JOE
Now. Where do you come from.
EDDY
Originally?
JOE
Sure, originally.
EDDY
I’m not sure.
(pause)
JOE
Oh. Well. Where do you live now?
EDDY
Now?
JOE
Yes?
EDDY
Nowhere, I guess. I mean, here, I hope.
JOE
Ah hah, yes, yes, but—previously. Where have you been living. Or, let me put it this way: where do you call home?
(a pause)
EDDY
Massachusettes.
JOE
Massachusettes! Well well. What part?
EDDY
Oh, sort of in the . . . middle. I guess.
JOE
That’s quite a trip. Quite a change.
EDDY
Yes, I suppose it will be.
JOE
And what brought you here? And don’t say a bus, I’m on to you!
EDDY
I can’t say, really.
JOE
Oh? Well, that’s all right. That’s just O.K. Like I said, this isn’t meant to be—
EDDY
I mean—I don’t mean I don’t want to tell you. I mean I can’t. I mean I would tell you. If I knew myself.
(pause)
JOE
I see.
(pause)
Are you . . . working?
EDDY
Not exactly.
JOE
Not exactly.
EDDY
I mean I hope to. Soon. But . . .
JOE
Well I’m sure you’ll find something in no time at all, keep you occupied.
EDDY
It’s not so much a matter of finding something. I mean I know what I want to be—I mean, to do. I just . . . need to find people who will pay me to do it.
(nervous)
Hm, right, right. Interesting.
(pause)
Do you want to . . . You don’t have to, now, I’m only asking, you understand, only asking, but . . .
EDDY
Sir?
JOE
Well, I mean . . . What you want to do, is it . . . ?
EDDY
Oh, well, I make things.
JOE
Things?
EDDY
Yes. Out of wood.
(strangely relieved)
Ah hah! A carpenter!
EDDY
I guess that’s what I am.
(laughs hugely)
Well, that’s . . .
EDDY
I know it’s not much of a—
JOE
No, no, fine, fine! My father was a carpenter, once upon a time.
EDDY
I just like doing it.
JOE
It’s a fine trade. You know Jesus was—
EDDY
Yes, so I’ve heard.
JOE
It’s a fact. It’s in the Encyclopedia. Yes, well, I’m sure you’ll find yourself right at home here. There are some—well, some—how do I put it?
(to EMMA)
How shall I put it, Emma?
EMMA
What?
JOE
The people here.
EMMA
What about them?
(to EDDY)
Well, it’s an interesting bunch. One fellow for example—just to let you know, you know, so there are no surprises—he’s . . . a creepy one. He doesn’t make a sound. Never leaves. You can stand at the door till you’re blue in the feet, and you probably won’t hear a solitary sound. I mean he moves around every so often, I suppose. Uses the toilet, makes some coffee, whathaveyou. I mean he must. But I swear, you’d swear the place was vacant. And he won’t answer the door, or the phone, so you’d never believe anyone was living there. I’m probably one of very few people who’ve ever even heard him speak. Did you ever hear him speak, Emma?
EMMA
I don’t know.
JOE
Well anyway that was years ago, when he moved in. I’ve never spoken to him since. He has someone bring him things, groceries and cigarettes and books and whathaveyou, and this chap—there’s another one for you, he was just here. He’s a clown, and he’s always—well he’s a long story. Or a very short one in a foreign language, ya know? He was married once. To an escape artist. She’s the one who–Well, anyway, he brings the check for this creepy guy every month. Murphy’s the name.
EMMA
Don’t call him that.
JOE
What? Murphy?
EMMA
You know who I mean.
JOE
Why not? Everyone calls him that. That’s what he’s called. I mean not to his face. But then again no one ever sees his face. Come to think of it, I can’t for the life of me remember what in hell he looks like. I have absolutely no idea. Wow. Remarkable. I don’t think I’d recognize him if I saw him.
EDDY
Huh.
JOE
But somehow he’s always on time with the rent. I don’t know how he does it. I mean, he’s a writer. I’ve never read anything he’s written, but he must—
(doorbell)
Oh Jesus. Here we go.
(laughs)
Excuse me, it’s a busy place on the first of the month, you know? Why don’t you sit down there and look over that lease and see if you have any questions. It’s all pretty straight forward. Certain amount of mumbo jumbo, you know, technicalities and all that, but—
EMMA
Are you going to answer it?
JOE
Yes yes, I’m going.
(to EDDY)
Just read it over, eh? You don’t have to scrutinize it, there’s nothing unusual, no surprises I’m sure you’ll find. Just an ordinary contract. Just a plain old—
EMMA
Joe!
JOE
I’m going, I’m going!
EMMA
They’ll go away in a second.
JOE
Nonsense.
EMMA
They’ll think you’re not here.
JOE
Of course I’m here. Where would I be, if not here? Nowhere. I’ve always been here and I’ll always be here. Or else in the garden.
EMMA
Joe, answer it!
(to EDDY)
Just read it anyway.
EDDY
All right.
(muttering)
I’m not the only one with legs around here for chrissake.
(opens door. SALMON immediately enters, in wheelchair.)
(sarcastically)
Salmon! What a nice sur—
SALMON (toothless, mumbling)
Have you seen my teeth?
JOE
Your teeth?
SALMON
I can’t find them.
JOE
They’re not in your mouth?
SALMON
Don’t be an ass. I think I might have left them here.
JOE
Is that a fact.
SALMON
No, it’s what I think.
(pause)
Well, don’t just stand there!
JOE
Shall I dance?
(dances)
SALMON
Are you going to look for em or am I gonna have to get a search party?
JOE
(slowly circling SALMON’S chair)
What’s with the chair, there, Salmon old boy? Gotten lazy?
SALMON
My goddam legs don’t work.
JOE
Is that right. Broken, are they?
SALMON
Well, they don’t work. What would you call them? Goddam things might as well be in a museum for all the good they do me. Look around, can’t you? They’ve gotta be here somewhere.
(pointing to SALMON’S legs)
Aren’t those them there?
SALMON
Listen, funny man, they’ve gotta be here somewhere. And I’m not leavin till I find em. I need them to eat. Haven’t eaten in three days ya know.
JOE
Really? That’s a pity. Like some coffee?
SALMON
Christ no I don’t want coffee! My heart? You tryin ta blow me up?
JOE
You feel like an egg?
SALMON
Eggs he says! My heart? What am I talking to, a floor? I need my goddam teeth!
JOE
You really think they’re here?
SALMON
Gotta be.
JOE
I haven’t seen them.
SALMON
Well there’s a lotta things you ain’t seen. I haven’t seen you look, have you?
JOE
Well let’s look then, shall we?
SALMON
What did I just say? First idea you’ve had all day that didn’t come out your arse.
JOE
(remains where he is and glances around the room)
I don’t see them.
SALMON
You call that looking? I don’t call that looking.
JOE
What would you call it?
SALMON
That don’t look like looking to me! I’ve seen looking in my day, and that ain’t what it looks like.
JOE
No?
SALMON
Look over there! Under there!
JOE
What would they be doing under there, Salmon?
SALMON
How the hell should I know? I’m not teeth! How do I know what teeth do? When I’m not looking.
JOE
Hmmmmm. Now if I were teeth, where would I be . . .
SALMON
That don’t get you nowhere! Look! You gotta look!
JOE
I’ve got it! In a mouth!
SALMON
You’re really a mudhead, ya know that?
JOE
(smiles frozenly. suddenly begins searching desperately and frantically, as though his life depended on it. During this, SALMON follows him around in the chair, badgering him. Their lines are simultaneous.)
JOE
Teeth! Teeth? Teethies! Where are you, teethies? I know you’re in here. You can’t hide from me. You can’t hide from old Joe. Not forever. You can run but you can’t hide. Come out, come out, wherever you are. You’re in for a sound thrashing when I find you, teeth, I hope you know that. You won’t be able to sit for a week. You won’t be able to walk. Where are they. Oh God. Oh God, where are they?! Where can they be? Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit!
SALMON
Look in there. Behind you. Behind that thing. Try under there. You haven’t looked there. Have you checked over there? You’re not even looking! I don’t see how you can find anything in a place like this. You ought to be ashamed, hiding a poor old man’s poor old teeth. That’s kidnapping. That’s abuse. That’s highway robbery! That’s grand larceny. That’s a federal offense, that is. You should be locked away in a room somewhere and throw away the key. If you’re going to hide something at least remember where you hid it. They’re not here. They have to be here. You didn’t sell them did you? You did! Did you pawn them? That’s plain moronic. Who’d want my teeth? I’m the only one who’d buy my own teeth. And I already own them! You’re a miserable criminal.
JOE
Look. Salmon. We’ve looked everywhere.
SALMON
If you’d looked everywhere you’d of found them. Because I know they’re somewhere. Everything’s somewhere.
JOE
I’m not arguing with you.
SALMON
Oh yes you are.
JOE
I’m not, Salmon.
SALMON
Like hell you’re not! You are too! Don’t tell me who’s arguing!
JOE
It’s not me.
SALMON
Yes!
JOE
Nope.
SALMON
It’s you!! You!!
JOE
You’re wrong.
SALMON
I am not wrong! You’re wrong! You’re the one who’s wrong!
(silence)
(to EDDY)
Finished?
SALMON
I haven’t started yet! You haven’t seen me finish!
JOE
I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to him.
SALMON
Who in hell’s kitchen is he? What’s he got to do with it?
JOE
Any questions?
SALMON
Yes! What have you done with my teeeeeeth!
(he twitches in fury)
EDDY
No, I guess not.
JOE
Fine. Then just put your John Hancock here, and here.
(EDDY signs)
SALMON
You should be locked up! You should all be beaten and locked up! Everyone! See how you like it!
(wheels ferociously out the door. EDDY watches him. JOE ignores him, stands looking down over EDDY’S shoulder at paper, smiling fixedly.)
EDDY (looks up at JOE)
Is that all there is to it?
JOE
Thaaaat’s it.
EDDY
O.K.
(silence. JOE does not move. Still the fixed smile.)
So, do I pay you now?
JOE
Sure. Now would be fine.
EDDY
(takes cash out from pocket)
I don’t have a bank account yet, so . . .
JOE
Cash’ll be just fine.
EDDY
O.K. good.
JOE
Nothing wrong with money. Nothing wrong with cold hard cash. That’s how it ought to be.
(EDDY counts the money, hands it to him.)
All righty. Well, let me get you the key.
(goes to desk drawer, rummages)
Hmh.
(pause. Ponders. Rummages.)
It’s not there.
EDDY
Still?
JOE
Hmh.
(pause)
Well, I’ll tell you what. The apartment’s open. You can move in now if you don’t mind the door being unlocked while you’re not there. Then, when I find it, I’ll give it to you. How’s that sound.
EDDY
All right. I guess.
JOE
Don’t worry, son. Seriously. This is a good neighborhood. A good town. You don’t have to worry. We never lock our door, as a matter of fact. Do we Emma?
EMMA
No.
EDDY
Really?
JOE
Never have. Nobody does. Except maybe Creepy.
EDDY
Hmh.
JOE
O.K.?
EDDY
All right.
JOE
I mean a man needs his privacy. A man needs a place where he can be alone, without being disturbed. Without worrying. Where he can be himself. But before you know it, you’ll be right at home, and you’ll wonder why you ever worried. You worry about stuff like that, and pretty soon you never leave cause you’re afraid someone will get in.
EDDY (stands)
Well I guess I’ll start moving in.
JOE
That’d be the thing to do.
(laughs hugely. Shakes EDDY’S hand.)
I really think you’ll be right at home. You seem like a fine lad. I feel like we’re old friends.
EDDY
You do?
JOE
Sure I do. Don’t you?
EDDY
Well, maybe we will be.
JOE
May be. Maybe we were, in a past life or something. You never know. I’ve barely met you, and already you’re like a brother to me. Or a son.
EDDY
(goes toward door. To EMMA)
Nice meeting you.
(pause)
(to EMMA)
He’s talking to you, dear.
EMMA
Oh! Uh—yes, you too. Take care.
(EDDY waves, leaves. JOE stays where he is, does not shut door behind EDDY.)
JOE
That’s really something.
EMMA
What is?
JOE
Strange feeling. Like I’ve known that boy all my life.
EMMA
Really?
JOE
Didn’t you think so?
EMMA (pause)
Yes. I did.
JOE
It’s nice to meet normal people. Isn’t it?
EMMA
It is.
JOE
People who know their place, their lot in life. And don’t bother denying it. It’ll be a nice change. Someone like that here. Just a nice, normal, everyday, innocent kid. With his whole future ahead of him. And his whole past behind him.
(pause)
What are you writing?
EMMA
Oh, nothing.
JOE
Can I read it?
EMMA
I told you, it’s nothing.
JOE
Well, if it’s nothing, then why can’t I read it?
EMMA
Why would you want to read it, if it’s nothing?
JOE
Let me read it.
EMMA
Not now.
JOE
Why not?
EMMA
It’s not finished.
JOE
You just said it was nothing. How can it not be finished?
EMMA
That’s why it’s not finished. When it’s finished, then it’ll be something.
JOE
How can you finish nothing?
EMMA
I don’t know.
JOE
You’re a mystery to me, Emma. You know, I’ve always wondered—
(doorbell)
Christ, already?
(goes to door. Before he gets there it opens and SALMON comes wheeling in.)
Salmon, don’t you knock?
SALMON
Why should I knock?
JOE
Why shouldn’t you knock?
SALMON
Because. There’s a doorbell. Besides. I did knock.
JOE
(looking closely at SALMON’S mouth)
Your teeth.
SALMON
No thanks to you.
JOE
They weren’t here after all. I can’t believe it.
SALMON
Face it. You couldn’t find them if they came up behind you and sat on you and bit you in the nose.
JOE
What is it, Salmon.
SALMON
I forgot to say something.
JOE
You don’t have the rent.
SALMON
Don’t put things in my mouth! Let me speak! I’m not dead yet, you know!
JOE
Fine. Speak.
SALMON
(pause)
I don’t have it.
JOE
I can’t believe it, Salmon.
SALMON
Face it. Times are tough. All times. But especially this one.
JOE
Why.
SALMON
Well look at me! You think this is a picnic on the beach?
JOE
Salmon, why can’t you be straight with me? Hm?
SALMON
What in the hell are you calling me? Are you blind or something?
JOE
Salmon. You and I both know it’s an act so why don’t you cut out the charade.
SALMON
The charade? The "charade"? Who are you supposed to be, anyway? Who’s playing games? You’re the one playing games, Joe.
JOE
Am I.
SALMON
What are you talking about.
JOE
I don’t know. What am I talking about?
SALMON
What do you mean?
JOE
(slowly circling the wheelchair. speaks slowly)
What would happen, I wonder, if someone were to just all of a sudden, for no good reason, no reason at all, just come up behind a person and just . . . do . . . this!
(pushes SALMON out of chair to floor. His teeth fall out. EMMA stands, frightened, listens.)
EMMA
What’s going on? What’s happening?
(to SALMON)
You don’t know? Shall I tell you?
EMMA
Yes. Tell me, Joe.
JOE
Shall I tell you what I think? I think, that if the person was a really good actor, and really dedicated, that he wouldn’t do a blessed thing. Just lie there. As though helpless. Until someone came along. And helped . . . him . . . up.
(kicks SALMON in the ribs, walks out the door)
EMMA
What’s going on? Salmon?
(gropes her way to him)
Are you still here? Joe?
(she steps on SALMON’S leg, falls. SALMON moans.)
Oh! I’m sorry, Salmon. I’m so sorry.
(gets to her feet, bends down to help him up)
SALMON (moaning)
That was one of my bad legs.
EMMA
I’ll help you, Salmon, where’s your chair?
(feels around, finds chair, helps him into it)
Here you go. No harm done. You’re O.K. Everything’s all right. No harm done, Salmon.
(he sits slumped in chair, breathing heavily, arms hanging down limply. Silence.)
Do you want me to help you home?
(pause)
I’ll help you home.
(she pushes the chair, runs him into the wall, he moans, then into the door, he moans again. She pushes him out, leaving door open. Silence.)
(A knock. Eddy peeps his head in. Rings the bell. Slowly enters.)
EDDY
Hello?
(pause. Walks slowly through the place, looking for someone)
Is anyone here?
(comes back in the living room. steps on SALMON’S teeth. Picks them up, studies them. Sets them on the table. Stares at them. Wipes his hand off on his pants. Looks at floor where teeth had been, looks around. Picks up teeth and puts them back on the floor. Looks around. Leaves hurriedly.)
(silence. JOE returns. Stands in doorway, looking in. pause. EMMA returns, runs into him.)
EMMA
Oh! Is that you? I didn’t see you there.
(pause. They enter, leaving door open.)
(SANCHO comes in slowly through door, sleepwalking. At first no one notices, then JOE sees him, is startled.)
JOE
Sancho. Or is it Don? Which one are you?
SANCHO
(speaks in a strange voice, as one not aware he is speaking, of who is speaking, nor of who he is speaking to.)
I’m me.
JOE
Sancho?
(pause)
Or are you your brother?
SANCHO
I’m me. He’s my brother.
(pause)
JOE
Well put some pants on, for Chrissake. Good God, it’s the middle of the day.
(checks watch)
It’s beyond the middle! It’ll be the end before you know it.
SANCHO
Know what?
JOE
Nothing.
(pause. JOE suddenly falls asleep.)
SANCHO
(looking at window)
Who’s he?
(wakes)
Hungry? You feel like an egg or two, Sancho?
SANCHO
Who is he?
JOE
(looking. There is no one there.)
Who’s who?
SANCHO
Him. That man. Looking in the window.
JOE
There’s no one, Sancho.
SANCHO
You don’t see him?
JOE
Who, Sancho?
SANCHO
Him. He’s right there.
JOE
He’s not. No one’s there, Sancho.
SANCHO
It must be Joe. Out in the garden.
(pause)
JOE
Go back to bed, Sancho. Go to sleep.
SANCHO
O.K.
(leaves, still in trance)
JOE
What was that all about?
EMMA
I don’t know.
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT I
Scene 2
AT RISE: Night. Two or three months later. The place still in shambles as though it were the night after the New Year’s party. EMMA sits painting and listening to a soap opera. JOE sits reading paper and smoking pipe, occasionally distracted by the soap opera, watching it.
(half to self)
God almighty. Would you believe that?
(pause. As before)
The world’s going to hell in a hand basket, I swear to God, I Swear To God.
(pause. Emits gasp of disgust)
That’s not even–! Her own child?! I swear, if I didn’t read it, I’d never believe it happened. I don’t know how anyone can read this stuff all day every day. This is an old paper. This is the New Year’s paper. And it still makes me sick.
(pause. Thrusts paper down in disgust. watching TV:)
What’s going on?
EMMA
I heard that.
JOE
What.
EMMA
Don’t just throw that down. The place is bad off enough as it is.
JOE
Well what should I do with it? I’m not throwing it.
EMMA
Why not?
JOE
Because. I might read it again someday.
EMMA
Well put it in the drawer then.
(he does)
JOE
What are you watching?
EMMA
That show.
JOE
Which one?
EMMA
You know. That one. The crazy one.
JOE
With the crazy lady?
EMMA
She’s not crazy.
JOE
"Dead of Night."
EMMA
That’s the one.
JOE
That’s a good one. Dark, but good.
(pause. Checks watch)
You’re watching it now? How can you be watching it now?
EMMA
It’s on a tape. You taped it.
JOE
Well I’ll be damned. But you’ve seen it, haven’t you? Didn’t you watch it earlier today?
EMMA
Yes, but I’m watching it again.
JOE
Why?
EMMA
Because. It’s more interesting the second time.
JOE
But you already know what happens.
EMMA
I know. But you see things you didn’t see before.
JOE
I’ll say it again, Emma: You’re a mystery to me.
EMMA
Tell me what’s happening.
JOE
You know what’s happening.
EMMA
I know, but I get confused. About who’s who and what’s what and when what happened and how and why and—
JOE
All right, all right.
EMMA
What’s going on?
JOE
Well that’s just a little bit complicated, Emma.
EMMA
Tell me. Who’s that?
JOE
Who’s who?
EMMA
The one talking.
JOE
That’s her.
EMMA
That’s who.
JOE
The lunatic.
EMMA
She is not.
JOE
She is.
EMMA
She doesn’t sound like one.
JOE
What’s a lunatic supposed to sound like?
EMMA
She sounds normal. I think you’ve got her mixed up with someone else.
JOE
Well if you know so much what do you need me for?
EMMA
All right, tell me.
JOE
Tell you what.
EMMA
What she’s talking about.
JOE
(watches T.V. for a few seconds)
Aaaaaah. Oh hoh. You know, I haven’t even watched this one.
EMMA
You haven’t?
JOE
No.
EMMA
Well you’re no help.
JOE
But I know what’s going on. Just because I haven’t seen it doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on.
EMMA
Then tell me!
JOE
O.K., hold your horses now.
(pause. He watches.)
MMMM. Interesting.
EMMA
What?
(all the following should be fast-paced, except where pauses are indicated; JOE gets very excited)
JOE
She’s burning the photos.
EMMA
What photos?
JOE
Of her past.
EMMA
She is?
JOE
Yup. She’s going through all the old albums and burning everything.
EMMA
Why?
(pause)
JOE
I’m not sure.
(pause)
EMMA
Well what do you think?
JOE
Well. After the accident, she couldn’t remember anything, right?
EMMA
What accident?
JOE
I don’t know, the accident. No one’s even sure there really was an accident. It doesn’t matter. You see?
EMMA
It doesn’t?
JOE
No. What matters, is that some people suspect she’s just pretending not to remember.
EMMA
Why?
(pause)
JOE
I’m not sure.
EMMA
What do you think?
JOE
Well, you see, I think, that she’s the one who killed Eddy.
EMMA
Who’s Eddy?
JOE
What?
EMMA
Who’s Eddy? I don’t remember Eddy.
JOE
I don’t know, who is Eddy? I give up.
EMMA
You said Eddy.
JOE
Did I?
EMMA
Yes.
JOE
Well huh. No. David. Eddy’s . . . somebody else.
EMMA
Who?
JOE
I don’t remember.
(pause)
EMMA
So who’s David then?
JOE
David, that’s her son.
EMMA
Oh.
JOE
Some people suspect her. And so if she can’t remember anything . . .
EMMA
But it doesn’t matter. She still did it.
JOE
How do you know?
EMMA
I’m saying, if she did it, she did it. It doesn’t matter if she remembers.
JOE
Of course it matters.
EMMA
I mean if they find out.
JOE
Well, it does though. Because then the question is, if she has amnesia, and can’t remember anything, is she really the same person. You see.
EMMA
Hmm.
JOE
I say no. And if she’s not, then is she really guilty. And what good does it do to punish her. Or hold her accountable.
EMMA
Interesting.
JOE
But this part is strange.
EMMA
What part?
JOE
Burning those photos. Because, see, everyone’s trying to turn her back into her old self. Help her remember. Show her pictures, tell her stories of the past, in hopes of rekindling something.
EMMA
Right.
JOE
So burning them is irrational.
EMMA
Is it?
JOE
Sure. Why would she do it?
EMMA
To destroy the past.
JOE
Yes, but all she has to do is deny, you see? Look at the pictures and say, nope, not a thing, I don’t remember that at all, I don’t know these people, I don’t remember being there. Now, I think everyone will know.
EMMA
That she’s pretending?
JOE
Of course.
EMMA
Mm.
JOE
Because why do it if they don’t mean anything to her? Why would you destroy something if it’s nothing to you, unless it’s a part of you? You see?
EMMA
Right.
JOE
So what it might be, she’s trying really to forget. To become what she’s right now only pretending to be. So there’s no possibility of slipping. Or maybe it’s plain old guilt.
EMMA
Hmm?
JOE
Well, if she really did it, and has a conscience, then she really wants to forget. To forget everything. The child. Who she is. Or used to be. Everything. And then she won’t be guilty.
EMMA
But she will, though.
JOE
No. If she is, she won’t know it. What good is guilt if you don’t feel guilty?
EMMA
Why did she do it? Do you think.
JOE
Do what.
EMMA
Kill her baby.
JOE
Baby? What baby?
EMMA
You said she killed her baby.
JOE
I never. You made that up.
EMMA
No, that’s what you said.
JOE
No. You’re mistaken. See? You never listen.
EMMA
So who’d she kill then?
JOE
Her son. But he was forty eight.
(pause)
EMMA
Oh.
(pause)
Well anyway. Why’d she do it?
JOE
I don’t know. She’s crazy.
EMMA
She is not.
JOE
She is.
EMMA
Well why would you do it?
JOE
Why would I?
EMMA
Yes.
JOE
I wouldn’t.
EMMA
That’s no answer.
JOE
It is. I would not do it.
EMMA
But you can’t think that way, or you’ll never understand her at all. You have to understand where people are coming from.
JOE
Where? You tell me. It’s just a T.V. show. She’s not real, you know.
EMMA
I think I know why.
(silence)
JOE
Oh? Why.
(pause)
EMMA
I’m not telling.
JOE
Tell me, smartass.
EMMA
Nope. You’ll have to put yourself in her shoes and figure it out for yourself.
JOE
You’re so damned clever. But you know what else? There’s a kink.
EMMA
A what?
JOE
A kink. See, her father’s on his death bed.
EMMA
He is?
JOE
Yes he is. And she’s the only heir. Now I think she plans to kill him.
EMMA
No.
JOE
Oh yes.
EMMA
Why? Because she’s "crazy"?
JOE
No, because she’s greedy. But see, if she’s not who she was, then she’s not really his daughter.
EMMA
Aaah.
JOE
And so she’s stuck.
EMMA
Unless no one finds out.
JOE
But get this: the father’s been going senile for the past year. He doesn’t even recognize her. He doesn’t even recognize himself. He doesn’t even know who he is anymore, and so he sure as hell can’t know who she is or anybody else.
EMMA
Interesting.
JOE
So will he leave her the estate? And, oh, also: no one but him and his lawyer have any idea if he has anything left. The “Estate” is nothing but a deserted old run-down castle. No one would live there, it’s like a damned tomb. It might be all for nothing.
EMMA
Well then she wouldn’t kill him.
JOE
Well, I’m not sure she’s thought all this through.
EMMA
So the mother’s dead?
JOE
Yup. An apparent suicide. But foul play has not been ruled out.
EMMA
Oh, Christ.
JOE
And, oh, aaaand, listen to this: for a while, the father thought she was the mother.
EMMA
Who, the daughter?
JOE
Yup.
EMMA
The father thought the daughter was the mother?
JOE
The wife, yes. And so maybe everything goes to his wife, you see.
EMMA
But she’s dead.
JOE
Exactly.
EMMA
So , then, what, everything would go to the daughter, you’re saying?
JOE
Could be. Ironic, eh?
EMMA
No, but—she’s not his wife.
JOE
But he thinks she is.
EMMA
But she knows she’s not.
JOE
Who knows? She doesn’t know anything, maybe. She doesn’t know who in hell she is.
EMMA
Or so she says.
JOE
Exactly.
EMMA
But do you think that’s right?
(pause)
JOE
What.
EMMA
That she gets the money, just because he thinks she’s someone she’s not.
JOE
I don’t know. His dying wish. He dies thinking he left it to his wife.
EMMA
Mm.
JOE
But then too, he dies thinking he won’t see her again. Until she dies. In a better place, I mean. Because she’s not dead.
EMMA
But she is.
JOE
But not for him.
EMMA
Right.
JOE
So maybe he wants to live, for her.
EMMA
But he doesn’t still think that she’s her.
JOE
No, right, I don’t believe so.
EMMA
Who is she to him?
JOE
No one. No one’s anyone at all to him now.
(pause)
EMMA
(turns off tape)
You watch too much of that stuff.
JOE
It’s funny. That’s only a tiny little part of it, you see. That’s only one character, Emma. There’s about thirty more.
EMMA
Is everyone so complicated?
JOE
Just about.
EMMA
Good God. How do you keep it all straight?
JOE
I’m a genius.
EMMA
Do you ever get the shows mixed up?
JOE
Only once. When an actor from one show quit. And they replaced her with another actor, you know, and just pretended like nothing happened?
EMMA
Right.
JOE
I mean, sometimes they’ll kill the character or have them disappear mysteriously or something. It’s cleaner. But this time they just pretended not to notice. You believe that? And I couldn’t stand it. I’m like—-you know, shouting at the screen–: "It’s not him! It’s not the same person! How can you not see that? It’s ridiculous!" I just could not see that character anymore.
EMMA
You’re insane.
JOE
And then the first actor went on a different show, only I kept seeing the old character.
EMMA
Ah.
JOE
And I’d find myself saying things like, "What are you talking about, you don’t love her! You’re gay, remember?!"
EMMA
You’re an idiot.
JOE
Ah, but this is my domain.
(doing Elvis impression)
I’m king in this village, baby.
EMMA
That’s because everyone’s as mixed up as you are.
JOE
But, they grew on me. And they became who they were. And I could identify with them again.
(pause)
EMMA
You know, sometimes I wonder: what if I woke up in a different body?
JOE
Like whose?
EMMA
Just . . . anyone. You know? Like if I woke up in Charlotte’s body, then—
JOE
Whose?
EMMA
Charlotte.
JOE
Charlotte . . .
EMMA
For God’s sake, Joe. Charlotte. In 12C.
JOE
Oh, oh, "Charlotte," sure, sure.
EMMA
You’re terrible. They live right under the same roof with us and you don’t even know their names.
JOE
I never see those people.
EMMA
What "people"?
JOE
I never see anybody on those floors. She pays through the mail and she pays in cash. I never see her name on a check or anywhere.
EMMA
Well, still. It’s awful. You’re more interested in these made up people than the real thing.
JOE
Anyway, what were you talking about?
EMMA
I don’t know. What was I talking about.
JOE
Charlotte somebody.
EMMA
Oh. Well, if I suddenly had Charlotte’s body, then—
JOE
But your own brain?
EMMA
Yes, my own brain.
JOE
O.K.
EMMA
O.K. what?
JOE
What are you asking me?
EMMA
Well, would I be her, or would I be me?
JOE
You’d be you.
EMMA
But only to me.
JOE
Hm. And who has your body?
EMMA
What?
JOE
You’ve got what’shername’s body, then who’s got your body?
EMMA
No one.
JOE
No one? Well somebody’s got to have it.
EMMA
No they don’t.
JOE
They do.
EMMA
Why?
JOE
Well what happened to it then?
EMMA
I don’t know, Joe. It disappeared.
JOE
What, just like that?
EMMA
They threw it away.
JOE
And kept only your brain.
EMMA
Sure. That’s plausible.
JOE
So what’d they do with her brain?
EMMA
Who?
JOE
Who?! What do you mean, "who"! Whoever it is.
EMMA
All right, suppose she has it.
JOE
She has her own brain now?
EMMA
No! My body!
JOE
Oh.
EMMA
Would you notice?
JOE
Of course. I’m not blind, you know.
EMMA
Right away?
JOE
Sure.
EMMA
How.
JOE
Well, she’d be groping around terrified screaming "I’m blind! Help me! It’s all gone dark, I can’t see!"
(He laughs. She slaps him.)
EMMA
You are an evil man.
JOE
So what about me?
EMMA
What about you?
JOE
If I suddenly had a different body, would you notice?
EMMA
You’re asking me would I notice if you had Charlotte’s body. I’d notice when you wouldn’t come out of the bathroom.
JOE
Anybody’s. A man’s.
EMMA
Absolutely.
JOE
Yes? What about a different mind?
EMMA
In the same body?
JOE
In my own body.
EMMA
I’d just quiz you on soap operas. To see if you were really you.
JOE
Ah, but what if I had amnesia?
EMMA
Then you’d be no one.
JOE
But I’d still be your husband. Unless I had a woman’s brain. Then I’d probably divorce you.
EMMA
But you’d still have a man’s parts. A man’s "urges."
JOE
You think so?
EMMA
I don’t know.
JOE
What if I had a lesbian’s brain?
EMMA
And I had a gay man’s?
JOE
And we both had sex change operations?
EMMA
Then we’d be perfect for each other.
JOE
I think we’d stay together.
(silence. JOE goes to window, tries to see out.)
JOE
You know, I feel like we’re being watched.
EMMA
What? You’re paranoid, Joe.
JOE
If no one’s out there, then I’m paranoid.
EMMA
There’s no one.
JOE
How do you know?
EMMA
Well go look then.
JOE
I’m looking.
EMMA
And?
JOE
And nothing.
EMMA
You see anyone?
JOE
No. Nothing.
EMMA
You can’t see anything.
JOE
Yes.
EMMA
What.
JOE
Darkness.
EMMA
Well tell it to go away.
JOE
Go switch the light off.
EMMA
Me? Why?
JOE
Just do it.
(she does. The outside can be seen. There is no one.)
I know there’s someone out there.
EMMA
Joe, you’re not yourself lately.
JOE
I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I can’t sleep when I’m being watched.
EMMA
Joe, you’re not being watched.
(angry)
Well I can’t sleep when I think I’m being watched, all right?
EMMA (taunting, sing-songy)
I can seeeee yoooouu.
JOE
Stop it.
EMMA
It’s dark, dear. Isn’t it?
JOE
Yes.
EMMA
So what could he see?
JOE
Who? What could who see? What do you know about this?
EMMA
Nothing, Joe. Dear, it’s dark. There’s no one.
JOE
(staring out window)
Maybe.
(pause)
You’re right. I’m not myself tonight.
(suddenly JOE falls asleep, where he is standing. Head falls. Silence.)
EMMA
Joe, I’m going to bed.
(pause)
O.K.?
(pause)
Joe? Joe, did you fall asleep?
(pause. Suddenly EDDY appears in window from below; JOE immediately wakes, screams, leaps back; as quickly as he appeared EDDY vanishes. JOE braces himself with his back against the wall next to window, breathing hard.)
What is it? Did you see something?
JOE
Yes.
EMMA
What?
JOE
A man.
EMMA
A man?
JOE
Yes.
EMMA
Where? Outside?
JOE
Yes. Out back. In the garden.
EMMA
Who?
JOE
(pause. As though just realizing)
Eddy.
EMMA
Eddy? Eddy from upstairs?
JOE
Yes.
EMMA
Is he still there?
(does not look)
No.
EMMA
What do you think he was doing?
JOE
I don’t know. Watching us.
EMMA
Why?
JOE
I don’t know.
EMMA
There’s nothing interesting to see here. There’s nothing interesting about us.
(pause)
Are you going out there?
JOE
No.
EMMA
Maybe we should invite him in.
JOE
No.
(pause)
Who is he, anyway?
EMMA
What do you mean?
JOE
I mean what do you know about him? What do you reeeally know about him?
EMMA
I don’t know. He’s a carpenter. He seems nice.
(goes to her, takes her brushes, puts them in jar)
Let’s go to sleep.
(takes her hand, leads her into bedroom)
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT I
Scene 3
AT RISE: JOE is offstage in kitchen, cooking eggs. EDDY stands looking at one of EMMA’S paintings that hangs on wall. EMMA stands near him.
EDDY
When did you paint this one?
EMMA
Oh, long ago. Just after we were married.
EDDY
What’s it called?
EMMA
That one’s called, "The Orphan and His Shadow."
EDDY
Hmh. What’s it about? I mean, what’s it mean?
EMMA
I don’t know. Nothing.
EDDY
It’s interesting, though.
EMMA
Thank you.
EDDY
(goes over to picture, hanging on wall next to mirror. Stares at it, bewildered.)
Where did this come from?
EMMA
What.
EDDY
This man. This picture. Over here, on the wall. This photograph.
EMMA (moving next to him)
Oh that. I don’t know. I don’t know who took that.
EDDY
But who is it?
EMMA
That is Joe’S father.
EDDY
It is?
EMMA
Yes it is.
EDDY
Are you sure?
EMMA
Well sure I’m sure. Unless it’s changed since last I saw it.
(laughs)
EDDY
He looks so familiar.
EMMA
Maybe you met him in a past life.
EDDY
I think . . . I’d like to meet him.
EMMA
I’m afraid not.
EDDY
Why not?
EMMA
He’s dead.
EDDY
(unbelieving, then realizing the picture is probably quite old)
Oh. I suppose he is. When did he die?
EMMA
Oh, a long time ago. Before I was born.
EDDY (stunned)
How old was he?
EMMA
Oh, about your age, I guess. That’s the last picture that was ever taken of him.
EDDY
(moves over, stands looking into mirror)
Why is this mirror here?
EMMA
I don’t know. That’s where it’s always been. We can move it, if you want. Where would you like it?
EDDY
But what’s it for?
EMMA
You don’t know what a mirror’s for? Where do you come from, Eddy?
EDDY (angry)
I mean why do you have it!
(pause)
EMMA (startled)
What kind of a question is that?
(pause)
Why don’t you ask Joe. It’s his mirror.
(pause)
EDDY
Oh. I keep forgetting.
(silence. JOE enters from kitchen with plate of eggs.)
JOE
Here we are. Let’s dig in!
(JOE takes plate to table, they all sit down and begin to eat.)
EMMA
Oh! Wait, Joe!
(mouth full of eggs)
What is it? Something wrong with the eggs?
EMMA
No, there’s nothing wrong with the eggs. I just thought . . . that maybe we should say something first.
JOE
Like what?
EMMA
I don’t know. I thought maybe Eddy was in the habit of saying something.
(taken aback)
Oh.
(to EDDY)
Are you, son?
EDDY
No, I don’t say anything.
JOE
Oh, good.
(silence)
EDDY
This was really nice of you.
JOE
How many times can you say a thing, Eddy? It’s nothing.
EDDY
Well, thanks, anyway.
JOE
And thank you for thanking us, Eddy. You’re a very well-behaved young man.
EDDY
Thank you.
EMMA
More eggs?
EDDY
No, thank you. I haven’t finished the first one.
JOE
Nothing wrong with them, is there?
EDDY
No no, nothing’s wrong.
JOE
Oh. Thank God.
(silence)
EDDY
So do you do this with all your tenants?
JOE
Do what, son?
EDDY
You know. This.
JOE
Well, no, to tell you the truth. Most of them we can’t get to leave us alone. It’s like they live here. This doesn’t work, that’s on the fritz, the other thing is caving in, there’s water dripping on me while I sleep. It’s maddening! You on the other hand we hardly ever see.
EDDY
Well, I keep to myself, I guess.
JOE
Well, that’s the way to be. That’s the way it should be. But I have to say there’s something about you. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
EDDY
On what.
JOE
Well, that’s just it. Emma thinks so too, don’t you Emma.
EMMA
Yes.
EDDY (nervously)
What?
JOE
Well you just seem so damned familiar.
EDDY
Hmh.
JOE
There’s just something . . . about you.
EDDY
No.
JOE
Oh but yes though. Something . . . I don’t know. Well, there you are.
(pause)
I said it.
(silence)
I mean, how long have you been here now? Three months?
EDDY
Yes.
JOE
And we hardly know you.
EDDY
Well, that guy in 6B has been here for years, right?
JOE
Yes? And?
EDDY
And you don’t know him at all.
JOE
Yes, but that’s different.
EDDY
Why?
JOE
Because. Nobody knows him at all.
(pause. JOE suddenly falls asleep, face falls into plate)
EDDY
Is he all right?
EMMA
What, dear?
EDDY
Joe. His face just fell in the eggs.
EMMA
Oh, it’s nothing. He does that.
EDDY
Well shouldn’t we do something?
EMMA
Like what?
EDDY
I don’t know, just . . . something.
EMMA
Oh, no, there’s nothing to be done about it. He’ll wake up. What were you just saying?
EDDY
Oh, I don’t know. I was saying . . . how you don’t know . . . Creepy. Sorry, I don’t know what else to call him.
EMMA
That’s all right, dear.
(silence)
EDDY
So you never had any children then?
(pause)
EMMA
No. We just couldn’t.
EDDY
That’s too bad. Did you want to?
(pause)
EMMA
Well, I did. But Joe didn’t. And anyway . . . he’s . . . infertile.
EDDY
I see.
(pause)
No dog, or anything like that?
EMMA
Well, Joe’s an old dog. He’s always served me faithfully.
EDDY
Does he come when you call him?
EMMA
Not always. Sometimes he forgets who he is.
EDDY (looking at JOE)
Wow, he’s really . . . Are you sure he’s breathing?
(wakes)
No one!
EMMA
What?
JOE
I said No One knows him.
(pause)
EMMA
Who, Joe?
JOE
Who are we talking about? Creepy.
EMMA
Oh yes. Right.
EDDY
I do.
(pause)
JOE
What?
EMMA
You do?
EDDY
Him? The man? The writer? Yes. I do.
JOE
But how? What do you mean?
EMMA
You met him? You talked to him?
EDDY
Sure.
JOE
Incredible.
EMMA
Who is he, what’s he like?
EDDY
What do you mean?
JOE
Well, what’s he like, what does he do, who is he?
EMMA
What do you mean what do I mean?
JOE
Tell us.
EDDY
I don’t know. He’s a writer.
JOE
Well we know that.
EMMA
And?
EDDY
And he writes.
JOE
And? What’s the matter with you, son?
EDDY
And that’s about all.
EMMA
What do you mean, "all"?
JOE
It can’t be "all."
EDDY
Well I mean what is there to say? I can’t just tell about a person and have you know them. Can I?
JOE
Are you pulling our legs?
EMMA
He is!
EDDY
No.
JOE
You know him about as well as anyone else.
EDDY
Could be, I guess.
(pause)
JOE
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-—You’re hurt.
EDDY
No. I’m not.
JOE
I was only . . .
(looks at EMMA, then down at plate)
Well so tell me. What on earth are you working on up there, anyway?
EDDY
Oh, nothing really.
JOE
Nothing really! All hours of the day and night I hear you, working away. You know, we’ve had complaints.
EDDY
You have?
JOE
Of course, are you insane?
EDDY
I haven’t.
JOE
Oh but you have.
EDDY
No I meant-—no one’s complained to me.
JOE
Well, naturally no one’s complained to you. And if it was anybody else, . . . But the fact is: we like you, son.
EDDY
Thank you. I’ll try to keep it down.
JOE
Don’t worry about it, son.
(pause)
So what is it. Furniture?
EDDY
No, not so much.
JOE
Well, what?
EDDY
I can’t tell you.
JOE
Come on!
EDDY
I’m sorry.
JOE
This is getting mysterious.
EDDY
But you’ll see. Eventually.
JOE
Well who’s it for?
EDDY
It’s for me.
JOE
Hmh. Well you can’t do things for yourself. It doesn’t pay.
EDDY
It might be for you. Maybe when it’s finished I’ll give it to you.
(silence)
EMMA
Joe, Eddy was looking at the picture.
JOE
Oh? Which picture?
EMMA
Of your father.
JOE
Ah!
(JOE gets up, goes to picture, stands looking at it)
Yes, there was a man for you. A quiet man. Never really knew him.
EDDY
How old were you when he died?
JOE
Oh, not very. Maybe six or so. Never said a word. It was like he wasn’t even there, ya know?
(pause)
Say. You know something, Eddy? He’s the splitting image of you.
EDDY
You think so?
EMMA
I think you mean "spitting," dear.
JOE
Sure, sure. Remarkable. You know, when I was your age, everyone thought I was the splitting image of him, too.
(JOE falls asleep standing in front of mirror)
EDDY
Really.
EMMA
Spitting, dear.
(pause)
Dear? Joe?
EDDY
It happened again.
EMMA
Oh dear.
(suddenly wakes)
Yes sirree. Who knows? Maybe when you get to be my age, you’ll look just like I do now.
EDDY
Who knows?
(silence. JOE checks watch)
JOE
Well, I hate to do it, but the garden calls.
EDDY
The garden?
JOE
Oh yes. Weed, weeds, weeds. Like you wouldn’t believe. The bad always drives out the good.
EDDY
I didn’t know you had a garden.
(pause)
JOE
You’re kidding me. You mean you haven’t seen it?
EDDY
No.
(pause)
JOE
Well you must! It’s a goddamned Eden back there!
EDDY
I’d like to.
JOE
But not now.
EDDY
Why not?
JOE
Oh, It’s in no condition. Too many weeds, it’s not prepared.
EDDY
I don’t mind.
JOE
No, well I do. But you’ll see it. I’ll see to that. You really haven’t seen it?
EDDY
No.
(pause)
JOE
Hmh. Well, you will.
(pause)
Well, anon.
(removes hearing aids, sets them on desk. To EDDY)
I always take them out when I work in the garden. I have to. Stone deaf without them. It’s perfect.
(exits. Silence)
EDDY
I brought you something.
EMMA
You did?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
What is it?
EDDY
It’s right here.
EMMA
What is it?
EDDY
Do you want to see it?
EMMA
For us?
EDDY
For you.
EMMA
Well what is it?
(EDDY takes out a small wooden horse, hands it to her)
What is it?—Don’t tell me.
(she studies it with her hands)
It’s a horse.
EDDY
A Trojan Horse.
(pause)
EMMA
You made this?
(EDDY nods. Pause.)
EDDY
Yes.
(EMMA continues studying it.)
EMMA
So this is what you’ve been working on.
EDDY
No. I mean, not just this. I finished this a long time ago.
EMMA
I don’t know what to say.
EDDY
(silently rising, moving around toward her)
Don’t say anything.
(silence. EDDY quietly comes around behind her, leans over her, kisses her neck.)
EMMA
I—
EDDY
Shh. I said not to say anything.
(he continues kissing her, very gently, moving up her neck; kisses her full on the mouth. She does not move.)
EDDY
Yes?
EMMA
Yes.
EDDY
Shh. Don’t say anything.
EMMA
Yes.
EDDY
Shh.
(he kisses her again, her hands move up and caress his face and head. They continue kissing. He stand, watching her. Takes her hand. She rises. He leads her into the bedroom.)
(FADE)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT I
Scene 4
AT RISE: An hour or so later. Empty. Silence.
(JOE enters, looks around.)
JOE
Emma?
(goes into kitchen, returns.)
Hmh. Emma?
EMMA (from bedroom)
In here.
(JOE goes to door of bedroom. Puts ear to door. Listens. Knocks.)
EMMA
Yes?
JOE
Are you decent, love?
EMMA
What do you think?
JOE
Can I come in?
EMMA
It’s your room.
JOE
But you’re in it.
EMMA
I’m coming out.
(pause. Door opens, EMMA comes out, eating an apple.)
JOE
Cat nap? The garden looks perfect. I’m gonna go see if Eddy wants to see it.
(EDDY comes out, also eating an apple.)
Oh. Eddy. Didn’t know you were still here.
(pause. EMMA and EDDY sit on couch, eating their apples, staring straight ahead.)
EMMA
I was showing him the albums.
JOE
Albums! Ha! Lots of history. We’ve got, what, six pictures? Seven? Sad, really. The past is gone, never to be seen again.
(pause. To EDDY)
Were you impressed?
EDDY
Yes. Wonderful. Very interesting.
JOE
Ha!
EDDY
And do you know what?
(pause)
JOE
No.
EDDY
I think I know what you mean. About being familiar.
JOE
Do you?
EDDY
Yes. It was like I’d seen these things before. Like I knew them already but had forgotten. Like I’d taken them. Like I could have been there, in them. But I wasn’t. But it was like I was. Or should have been. Only the image wasn’t true, didn’t show what was really there.
JOE
Hmh. Remarkable.
EDDY
Yes. Remarkable.
(pause)
JOE
Well. I was going to see if you wanted to see the garden.
EDDY
It’s ready.
JOE
All ready.
EDDY
Are you sure?
JOE
Sure I’m sure. It’s perfect. I’ve got it all fenced off, you know. No one can get in or even see it, from outside. You have to be in it. It’s not for the neighbors, after all. It’s not for any body but me. I mean, you can see it through the window, but it’s not the same as being in it.
EDDY
No weeds?
JOE
No weeds.
EDDY
No worms?
JOE
Well, sure, there’s worms. But worms are good. They’re good for the earth. They help things grow.
(pause)
EDDY
Well let’s go see it.
JOE
All right.
(pause. No one moves.)
Are we going?
EDDY
Yes.
(pause. No one moves.)
JOE
What’s going on here?
EDDY
I’m not sure.
(pause)
JOE
(suddenly animated, going to door)
Well I’m going. I’ll be out back. If you want to come and see.
(pause. JOE opens door, stops, stands watching the two. They look straight ahead, eating the apples.)
So you know where I’ll be.
(pause. He goes, leaving the door open.)
(silence)
(EMMA rises. Does not look at EDDY. Goes to door. Shuts it. Locks it. Returns to couch. Takes one last bite of the apple, sets core on coffee table. "Watches" EDDY, who stares straight ahead, eating. She takes the apple from his mouth, sets it on coffee table. He stares straight ahead. She climbs onto his lap, facing him. Kisses him. They lean, lie, her on top of him. They kiss and caress deeply, begin removing one another’s clothing.)
(Someone tries the door, rattles the knob.)
(from behind door)
Emma?
(knocks)
Emma!
(knocks louder)
Are you in there?
(rings bell, knocks. Rattling knob. Muttering)
Why is this locked?
(calling)
Emma, I don’t have the key! My keys are in there!
(pause. Muttering)
Well what the christ.
(calling)
Emma! If you’re in there, please come and let me in! Let me back in, Emma! If you’re speaking, talk louder! I don’t have my hearing aids in!
(pause)
My hearing aids are in there, Emma!
(knocking, doorbell repeatedly. Then silence.)
She must be gone.
(calling)
I’ll be out back! In the garden!
(pause)
She’s gone.
(pause)
She’ll find me. Or I’ll come back.
(Fade as he goes.)
(END OF ACT I)
ACT II
Scene 1
SETTING: The Fourth of July. The living room has been converted into a carpenter’s workshop; tools of all sorts, wood, sawdust and shavings lining the floor, sketched blue prints, etc. An American flag over the back window serves as a curtain. The small statue of liberty still sits on desk, next to it the Trojan Horse.
AT RISE: Early morning. EDDY is at the table (now his work bench), sawing a board with a hand saw, grunting in frustration. His hair is disheveled, heavy facial hair.
(doorbell. EDDY looks at door, keeps sawing. Pause. Doorbell. EDDY grunts in agitation, opens door, DON is there. He is played by the same actor as SANCHO.)
EDDY
Yes?
DON
Hello. Is the man of the house at home?
EDDY
Uh, no, he’s uh . . . he’s not. I’m sort of . . . taking over for the time being. While he’s away.
DON
Away?
EDDY
Yes. He took a short trip.
DON
Really.
EDDY
Yes?
DON
Strange. He never leaves the apartment except to go into the garden.
EDDY
I might as well tell you, he’s not well. He’s not been himself lately.
DON
Oh. Oh dear me.
EDDY
Yes, he forgets things. Basic, important things, and . . . He’s looking into it.
DON
I often suspected his mind would be the first to go.
(pause)
Well, allow me.
(holds out hand)
I’m Don. I live in 6C.
EDDY
I’m Eddy.
DON
Ah. A pleasure. Are you a relative?
EDDY
Yes, that’s right.
DON
The resemblance is uncanny.
(pause. Noticing the state of the place.)
What are you working on?
EDDY
Oh, nothing.
DON
It doesn’t look like nothing.
EDDY
It is, though. It’s just a box.
DON
Well I’d advise that you be very careful. If you’re planning on setting off any fireworks or anything.
EDDY
What, in here?
DON
Well, no, I suppose not.
EDDY
I’m not going to celebrate anyway.
DON
No? Well, me neither. Pish posh, I say.
EDDY
It just doesn’t feel like independence day.
DON
No?
EDDY
No. Not at all.
DON
Well, what’s it feel like?
EDDY
It feels like my birthday.
(pause)
DON
Huh. Well, is it your birthday?
EDDY
I don’t know.
(pause)
DON
Well. I’m sorry I didn’t speak to you earlier, but I’m going to be later than expected with the rent this month. I’m working on translating some of Nietzsche’s poems which have been recently found. Allegedly the last thing he ever wrote, on his death bed. In his fever, you know. And it’s proven slipperier than I’d imagined.
EDDY
You’re a poet?
DON
No, no. I’m a philosopher. But I translate all sorts of rubbish. To make ends meet.
EDDY
Yes. Well, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it.
DON
What is?
EDDY
Making ends meet.
DON
Ah. Right you are.
EDDY
So you just . . . what. Philosophize? I mean, that’s what you do?
DON
Well, it doesn’t pay well, I admit.
EDDY
And what is your "philosophy"?
DON
I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that.
EDDY
How does it work?
DON
Well, for example, right now I’m writing on the subject of opposites, in order to negate them. In short, to demonstrate that any dichotomy by definition, by its very nature, is a false one. Because when you speak of opposites, you are speaking about different qualities of the same thing. No synthesis is required, because there are no theses or antitheses. An ancient idea. The ying and the yang and al that. What I have to do is put a spin on it. But you see, what is the opposite of "man"? Is it "woman"? Surely not. Animal? Spirit? Ha. But you see my point. I mean, sure, you can say, Black is the opposite of White. But what is the opposite of grey? And you can say, Darkness is but the absence of light. But no one knows what light is. Or darkness.
EDDY
He doesn’t?
DON
I’m sorry?
EDDY
I said he doesn’t. I didn’t know that.
DON
Who doesn’t what?
EDDY
No one. Knows what darkness and light are.
DON
Oh. No. They don’t. It’s like, what is the opposite of birth? Death? I think not. Clearly they are qualities of the same thing. But what is this thing? And is this thing merely a quality of something else? Where is the beginning, and where is the end? And cannot both serve as their own opposites? You see. What is the opposite of growing?
EDDY
I don’t know.
DON
Well, you’re not supposed to know. It’s a riddle. What’s the opposite of time? Space? I think not. A chair. A table? Absurd. A window. A door? Rubbish. What is the opposite of nothing? Something? Anything? Everything? I think not. You see. What is the opposite of father? Is it mother? Or son? Or daughter? You see. Well, I say it’s none of these. Or rather all of them. Because all are part of the same thing, the same person. In a sense. You don’t know who you are except by comparing yourself to your mother, to your father, to your brothers and sisters, to a rock, a tree, a fish, to everyone and everything. No one is the oppostie of you. Nothing is the "opposite" of you. But you define yourself by what you are not. And this is why it takes so very long.
Yes, that would be quite a list.
DON
But this too is sticky because the internal and the external are part of the same thing. The self and the other is a false dichotomy. So that finally, you are what you are not. YOu see, everyone is part of a family, and every family is part of a community, and so on. And so we’re all really part of the same family. After all, we all came from Adam and Eve, eh? And so, essentially, everyone is part of the same person. But the questio is: who is this person? You see. And does this person have a father? A mother? Siblings? And who are they, etc.
EDDY
That’s good stuff. I had a bit of philosophy myself, back in the day. "I think therefore I am," "know thy self," all that.
DON
Ah yes: "know" thy "self." The "thy" is important, because it emphasizes the absurdity of it: the self is owned by itself, both the knower and the thing known, both the object and the subject. It’s like a window. It sees both in and out, but cannot see itself. So how could it possibly “know itself”? But I’ve always thought that he could only have been referring to masturbation.
EDDY
Ha! So what are you going to call this work?
DON
It’s going to be called, “UN.”
EDDY
Un?
DON
Yes. U., N.. Un.
EDDY
As in United Nations?
DON
No, as in “UN.” The essence of negation.
EDDY
Like, “untitled”?
DON
Sure, like in untitled. Untitled with a capital U.
(pause)
Or I might just call it, “I Think Not.” Little jab at old Descartes, you see.
EDDY
I’d like to read it.
DON
Grand. If it’s ever finished. I suspect you’re the only one who ever will. Well, enough of this. I must go and wake my brother.
EDDY
You have a brother?
DON
Oh, yes, I suppose you didn’t know. Yes, we’re identical twins.
EDDY
Really. And you live with him?
DON
He lives with me, yes. We live together. We’ve never been separated.
EDDY
Never?
DON
Well, even when we’re separated, we’re still together, you know?
EDDY
Mm.
DON
At least that’s how I feel. Joseph feels that whenever we’re apart, he’s not whole, not himself. He suffers. He cannot function. We’re like two hemispheres of the same brain.
EDDY
Sort of like left brain right brain.
DON
Or frontal and dorsal. I’m the head, he’s the arse! Yes, I’d very much like to examine both our brains and compare them. Unfortunately, you can only do that when you’re dead. And once you’re dead, you can’t examine a solitary thing.
EDDY
Uh, look, this is all very interesting but, uh . . . do you have the rent, then, or . . . ?
DON
Ah, the rent. The inevitable subject. I knew we’d get to that. And that’s fine, one can’t be too practical. I myself have always been firmly grounded in the real. Unlike my brother, who cannot fathom the notion that one must, of necessity, work merely in order to exist. He calls himself a Hegelian with a Marxist bent. If you ask me, he’s just bent. Hell bent. On nothing. Anyway, he calls himself a Marksman–Ha! Did you hear that? I mean, he calls himself a Marxist, and yet work—of any kind—is entirely alien to him. Repugnant even. If there were ever a revolution, he wouldn’t notice because he’d be too busy shut up in his room writing manifestos and treatises.
EDDY
What do you mean, a revolution?
DON
I’m sorry?
EDDY
You said revolution.
DON
Yes? You know, an overthrow. Cut off the head—or the heads, if you must—and the body politic dies. Or, you know, you can undermine the “head” from within.
(pause)
And then before you know it there’s one head. One man, one godhead, who rules over everyone. And it begins again.
EDDY
Who?
DON
Could be anyone.
EDDY
You actually think there could be one?
DON
Who knows? Could be it’s already happened, we just don’t know it yet.
EDDY
Here?
DON
Well, you know, America’s fine and all, but things can only go on for so long. Soon it becomes a vicious cycle.
EDDY
But, I mean, who would do it?
DON
The revolting?
EDDY
Yes, the revolting.
DON
I don’t have the answer. Or as my brother would say, you know, there are no such things as answers, only poorly phrased and mispunctuated questions.
EDDY
It would never happen.
DON
Nothing lasts forever. Nations are like individuals. No one’s immortal. Sometimes they’re dead and don’t know it, and so they go on living, like the undead, and prey on other nations. But it doesn’t bring them back to life. It merely keeps them undead.
EDDY
Never.
DON
There are those who assert that we’re on the brink.
EDDY
Of what?
DON
Of collapse.
EDDY
Pah!
DON
That we’re long overdue for self-destruction.
EDDY
Remarkable.
(pause)
So what did you say your brother does?
DON
Same as he’s always done. He’s a philosopher as well. But he’s an idealist. Practically a pseudo-mystic now. He used to be up all hours of the night writing tracts. Now he sleeps half the day. For the dreams, you know. He wakes up, and he writes them down. Has a closet full of these notebooks. He writes so rapidly in order not to forget that I don’t think even he could read the writing. Poor sod. And then, even when he is awake, you know, during the night, what does he do? He meditates. That’s not living, I say.
JOE
And what does he say?
DON
Not a thing. He doesn’t hear me. He’s locked away inside himself. If you dream when you die, I say, it’ll be of flossing your teeth and taking clipping your toenails. But, I suspect he’d say that I’m the one who’s not living. We both are convinced the other is in the cave of shadows. Quite an impasse. My poor brother. He sees things now.
EDDY
What do you mean?
DON
Oh, people who aren’t there, the dead, "demons." His double, sometimes. Scares him out of his mind. Sometimes he’s frightened of me. And then I naturally become frightened of him. Too much acid in his youth, I say. He’s always had a weak mind. Don’t tell him I told yo uthat, because I’ll deny it like a deluded Judas. My mind, on the other hand, is strong as an ox on anebolic steroids. It’s going to outlive me, I always say. Well, so long. We say, Enough, but apparently it is never enough. Or always too much. It’s all one. Good day.
EDDY
What’s his name?
DON
My brother? Constantine. But he goes crazy if you call him that.
EDDY
What does he want to be called?
DON
Sancho.
(pause)
MM. Well I must be going. You will have the rent within the week. Is that acceptable?
EDDY
Yes, it’s all right. It’s on the lease, isn’t it? That you have one week? So I can’t say anything.
DON
Well, you could, but—
EDDY
No sir. What’s on the lease is on the lease.
DON
But you wrote the lease, did you not?
(pause)
EDDY
Yes, of course. What’s your point?
DON
Well, you could change it.
EDDY
Not once it’s been signed.
DON
No?
EDDY
No sir. The lease is the lease. There’s no going back. Anyway, any time is fine. Tomorrow, the next day, next week. It doesn’t matter.
DON
Well, lucky for me then, eh? Good day.
EDDY
We’ll see ya. That is, I’ll see you. Ha ha ha.
DON (not amused)
Ha ha ha. Very clever.
(exits. EDDY shuts door behind him. Returns to work.)
(EMMA enters from bedroom, in bathrobe.)
EMMA (yawning)
Who was that?
EDDY
Who was who?
EMMA
I thought I heard someone.
EDDY
Nope. No one’s here.
EMMA
Hmh. I must be hearing things.
(pause)
What time is it?
EDDY
It’s still early.
EMMA
(goes to him, they embrace)
Oh. God, I had the strangest dream.
(they move to couch, sit holding each other)
EDDY
What was it?
EMMA
Oh, I don’t know. There was a stranger here.
(EDDY falls asleep)
But he was like a ghost . . . like I could see right through him. He was standing over by the window, looking out. And I could see beyond him. And there was another man, out in the garden, looking in. It was like he was looking at this first man, but I felt like he was staring right at me. Like he was looking right through both of us.
(pause)
I wanted to touch his face.
(silence)
Eddy?
(pause)
Eddy, are you awake? Eddy?
(EDDY starts awake. Jumps when he sees her.)
EDDY
Yes, I’m here.
(pause)
EMMA
Good.
(pause)
Hungry?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
Feel like an egg?
EDDY
I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel like.
(pushes his face into her chest. begins undoing her shirt)
EMMA
It feels strange. This is his bed, you know.
EDDY
This?
EMMA
Uh huh.
EDDY
Why doesn’t he sleep in the bed?
EMMA
Oh, we’ve never slept together.
EDDY
Why?
EMMA
Well, he’s gay, for one.
EDDY
He’s gay?
EMMA
Sure. Couldn’t you see it? He’s always been gay.
EDDY
He never mentioned it.
EMMA
Well I don’t think he knows.
(pause)
Did you ever wonder if you were gay?
EDDY
Yes. I used to like men.
EMMA
Really?
EDDY
Yes. There was a man once. I loved him.
EMMA
And now?
EDDY
And now I don’t love him anymore.
(pause)
Everyone said he looked just like me.
(pause)
EMMA
What was he like?
EDDY
He was a deaf mute. Everyone told him to be a mime. So he did. Everywhere he went, all the time, all he would do was imitate others. Anyone he saw. But I could always tell it was him underneath.
(silence)
EMMA
Eddy, I have to ask this.
(pause)
EDDY
What?
EMMA
Well, I mean, . . . what now?
EDDY
Now?
EMMA
Yes, what happens now?
EDDY
I don’t know. How should I know what happens? Anything can happen.
EMMA
Can it?
EDDY
Sure. We’ll just have to wait and see.
(pause)
It was chance that brought me here, you know.
EMMA
It was fate.
EDDY
Yes. Dumb luck.
(pause)
EDDYEMMA
No, I said fate.
EDDY (studies her)
I fell right into your web, didn’t I.
EMMA
(as though not hearing his remark)
Do you ever wonder if this was meant to happen?
EDDY
Nothing’s "meant" to happen.
EMMA
I don’t know. I like to think everything’s meant to happen. Don’t you?
EDDY
No, not necessarily. Everything, Emma? What’s that mean, "everything"? I mean, what’s the opposite of everything, really?
EMMA
What on earth are you talking about?
EDDY
I don’t know. What am I talking about?
EMM
What on earth has gotten into you?
(pause)
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT II
Scene 2
AT RISE: Morning. The flag is gone from window. A half-finished wooden box in middle of floor. EDDY working frantically.
(EMMA enters from bedroom in a bathrobe, yawning.)
EMMA
What time is it?
EDDY
I don’t know.
EMMA
Well look.
EDDY
I’m busy. Can’t you see that?
EMMA
What are you working on?
EDDY
A box. What does it look like?
EMMA
What kind of box?
EDDY
A rectangular box.
EMMA
What for?
EDDY
To put things in.
EMMA
What things?
EDDY
Any things. Everything.
EMMA
Everything?
EDDY
Sure. And also nothing.
EMMA
Ambitious project.
EDDY
Yes. And that’s why I need peace and quiet and concentration.
(hammers)
(EDDY hammers continuously)
EMMA
This is our living room.
EDDY
Why do you call it the “living” room, anyway?
EMMA
What do you call it?
EDDY
It’s just a room. It’s not alive.
EMMA
Well it’s not a wood shop.
EDDY
What isn’t.
EMMA
The living room.
EDDY
Look around you. What does it look like to you?
EMMA
(gropes to him, finds hammer, grabs it, tries to take it from him, he won’t let go, finally he rips it free from her hands and wields it over his head as though about to bash her skull in with claw end. Freezes. Pause. Smiles strangely. Lowers hammer.)
We need to talk.
EDDY
Do we.
EMMA
Yes.
EDDY
What about.
EMMA
Us.
EDDY
Mm.
EMMA
You have to start collecting the rent.
EDDY
Do I.
EMMA
Yes. Or we won’t be able to pay our rent.
EDDY
Who’s going to evict us? This is our home. Or have you forgotten.
EMMA
We have bills. We don’t pay them, we’ll have no heat.
EDDY (monotone)
We’ll keep each other warm.
EMMA
No light.
EDDY
Hm. I do need that. I’ll have to work extra hard during the day. To make up for lost time.
(pause)
EMMA
Did you sleep last night?
EDDY
No.
EMMA
What were you doing?
EDDY
Working.
EMMA
I didn’t hear you.
EDDY
I was drawing the plans.
EMMA
When was the last time you slept?
(pause)
EDDY
I don’t remember.
EMMA
Stop working. Make me some eggs.
EDDY
Eggs?
EMMA
Yes. I feel like an egg.
EDDY
Eggs?
EMMA
Yes. For breakfast.
EDDY
Are you out of your fucking mind?
(pause. He begins to saw.)
EMMA
Is there coffee?
EDDY (keeps sawing)
There might be some left. I don’t know, go look.
(She goes into kitchen)
(he works on the box. Suddenly stops. Listens. Goes along wall, edges over to back window, peers out sideways; suddenly steps in front of the window as though to catch someone there spying. Goes back to workbench [table], quickly turns around and looks at window again. Goes back to work, nervously.)
(EMMA returns.)
EMMA
There’s no more. We’re out.
EDDY
Pity. Why don’t you go and pick some up?
EMMA
Can’t you do it?
EDDY
I’m busy. Get Murphy. He’ll do it.
EMMA
You know, that can was half full two days ago.
EDDY
Strange.
(pause. He works.)
EMMA
I had a dream last night.
EDDY
Strange.
EMMA
I dreamt that I was sleeping.
EDDY
A nightmare.
EMMA
In a different bed, in a different room. And then I woke up.
EDDY
Unbelievable.
EMMA
And it was completely dark. And this scared me. Scared me to death. And I didn’t know why. I have no idea why. I had no idea where I was. Just nothingness, all around.
(EDDY falls asleep)
And I got up. And I felt my way to the door. But it was locked. From the outside. I just stood there. Breathing. For some reason I tried the light switch. And the room was flooded with intense light. At first I was blinded. Just white. A white void. And then my eyes adjusted. And I could see.
(EDDY wakes)
I could see everything clearly. Perfectly. And I blended in with my surroundings. And in the bed . . . was . . .
EDDY
You.
EMMA
No.
EDDY
A monkey.
(resumes sawing)
EMMA
No.
(pause)
A what?
EDDY
Tell me. I’m captivated.
EMMA
Murphy.
EDDY (indifferent)
Strange.
EMMA
And he was dead.
(EDDY falls asleep)
(pause)
But then he opened his eyes, and spoke—-but I knew he was still dead. And he said, "Help me. I can’t see. Where am I? Help me.
(EDDY wakes)
The mirror’s black. It’s all dark. Help me."
EDDY
And did you help him?
EMMA
I couldn’t.
(pause)
How could I?
(pause. EDDY studies his plans.)
And I realized something.
EDDY
(indifferent, studying his plans)
Please tell me. Please don’t keep it from me. Don’t keep me in suspense.
EMMA
I realized that I can’t see anyone anymore.
EDDY
You just realized this? Must have been a rude awakening.
EMMA
No one. I try to picture my husband, and I can’t. He has no face to me.
EDDY
Yet you can picture Murphy?
EMMA
No. Yes. I don’t know. He’s just . . . a clown. Like he could be anybody, wearing that suit. It’s just a mask. An image. But I can’t see a clown without seeing Murphy. And I can’t see Murphy without seeing a clown.
EDDY
What about you?
EMMA
What?
EDDY
Can you see yourself?
(pause)
EMMA
I don’t know.
(pause)
But I don’t think it matters.
EDDY
No?
EMMA
No. Because the last time I saw myself, I was a different person.
EDDY
You mean you were not the same person seeing? Or not the same person being seen?
EMMA (pause)
Both.
EDDY
And that doesn’t matter.
EMMA
No. It makes no difference.
(pause)
I’m still me.
EDDY
You’ll always be you. And I’ll always be me.
EMMA
Of course.
(pause)
Always.
(pause)
It has to be. We have to be.
EDDY
Do we.
(He works.)
I want you to do something for me.
EMMA
All right. What?
EDDY
I want you to paint a portrait.
EMMA
I don’t know if I can.
EDDY
Why?
EMMA
Because. I can’t see colors anymore. I mean, I know there’s a difference. Between them. But if you say, Red, I don’t see red. I just have the word. And if you hand me tubes and say, This one’s blue and this one’s red and this one’s green, and I paint with them, thinking, I’m painting the color blue, . . . it means nothing to me. Nothing at all.
EDDY
What about white? Can you see white? And black?
EMMA
I think so. I don’t know. I think I can, but I might have them confused.
EDDY
That’s absurd.
(pause)
Well you can paint grey, anyway.
EMMA
I suppose so.
EDDY
So I want you to paint us.
EMMA
In grey?
EDDY
Sure. White, Black, Grey. O.K.?
EMMA
O.K.
EDDY
But here’s the tricky part. I want you to paint only one person. I want you to paint us both as one person.
EMMA
Why?
(pause. EDDY suddenly freezes. Pause. He suddenly turns around, looks at window.)
But I don’t even know what you look like, really.
EDDY
Do you hear anything?
EMMA
What?
EDDY
Someone outside the window. Watching us.
EMMA
You need sleep.
EDDY
Shut up. Listen.
EMMA
In the garden?
EDDY
Shh!
(EDDY sneaks along wall around next to window, peers out sideways. Suddenly leaps in front of window; at exactly the same time, JOE appears in window, looking in. Just as suddenly [as soon as he sees EDDY], JOE vanishes. EDDY screams and leaps back.)
EMMA
What? What’s wrong, what’s going on?
(EDDY backs away from window slowly; trips over his box, falls over backwards into the box. Lies there motionless.)
Eddy? What’s happening? Have you fallen?
EDDY
(gets out of box. Goes back to window as he speaks.)
I saw someone. In the window.
EMMA
Who?
EDDY
At first—for a split second—I thought it was me.
(moves over, stands in front of mirror)
EMMA
But it wasn’t?
EDDY
What do you mean? How could it be me?
EMMA
Well who was it?
EDDY
(moves over, stands looking at picture of JOE’s father.)
It was him.
EMMA
Who?
EDDY
Him.
EMMA (pause)
Outside?
EDDY
Yes. In the garden.
(pause)
EMMA
Go back to bed, Eddy.
EDDY
Back? I haven’t been to bed. How can I go back to it?
EMMA
You just need sleep. That’s all.
EDDY
What, you don’t believe me? Nothing you don’t see exists or what?
EMMA
He’s not out there.
EDDY
He is. Go and see for yourself.
(silence)
You know what?
EMMA
No. What.
EDDY
I realized something today myself.
EMMA
Did you.
EDDY
Yes.
(pause)
There’s someone living in my room.
EMMA
Which room?
EDDY
My old room. Upstairs.
EMMA
No.
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
Who?
EDDY
I don’t know. A man.
EMMA
A man?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
You saw him?
EDDY
No.
EMMA
Then how do you know he’s there?
EDDY
The door’s locked.
(pause)
EMMA
It is?
EDDY
Yes it is.
EMMA
Are you sure?
EDDY
Sure I’m sure.
EMMA
You didn’t lock it?
EDDY
I never locked it. The key is lost.
(pause)
EMMA
Did you speak to him?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
What did you say?
EDDY
I said, Who are you.
EMMA
Did he speak to you?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
What did he say?
EDDY
He said, No One.
EMMA
Is that all?
EDDY
He said, No One’s here.
EMMA
And?
EDDY
And what?
EMMA
And what did you say?
EDDY
I said, Then let me in.
EMMA
And he said?
EDDY
No One can come in.
EMMA
And you said Why?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
And he said . . .
EDDY
Because No One’s Here.
EMMA
And you said Open This Door.
EDDY
And he said, I Can’t.
EMMA
And you said Why.
EDDY
And he said, Because I’m Not Here.
(silence)
EMMA
Was that all?
EDDY
Yes.
(pause)
EMMA
Don’t go back up there.
EDDY
You think it’s him. Don’t you.
EMMA
No.
EDDY
You do.
EMMA
I don’t. I don’t.
EDDY
(stands staring at her, holding hammer threateningly)
Don’t you lie to me. You and I both know who it is.
EMMA
Who?
EDDY
“Who? Who?”
EMMA
Well who, Eddy?
(JOE appears in window)
EDDY
(growing more intense and maniacal, raising hammer)
“Who. Who? Who! Who! Who! Who Who Who Who Who!!”
(suddenly falls asleep. head falls, hammer falls, he stands limp)
EMMA
Eddy?
(silence)
(JOE vanishes. EDDY wakes quickly, looks at window. he returns to box, lies down in it)
EDDY
It could be him. It could be anyone.
EMMA
If only he’d tell us. Why won’t he tell us?
EDDY
Maybe he doesn’t know himself.
(silence. He begins to snore. She gets in the box with him.)
EDDYEMMA
I’m cold.
EDDY
It’ll be winter soon.
EMMA
The sun would be good. We should have more windows.
EDDY
We should put the flag back up.
EMMA
Why?
EDDY
It’d be easier to sleep.
(FADE)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT II
Scene 3
AT RISE: Box is further completed. The statue of liberty is gone; iin its place, a ceramic owl. The two asleep in the box. Night. Rain.
(Suddenly EDDY starts awake, sits bolt upright, thrusting her off him.)
EDDY (gasping for breath)
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh God.
EMMA
What, what is it? A nightmare?
EDDY
Yes. Oh God.
EMMA
What was it?
EDDY
First I was . . . I was digging. Shoveling. It was pitch black. I don’t know if . . . if I was in the hole . . . or . . . it was like something went right through me . . . And then I was sleeping. And then I woke up. And it was pitch black. And I thought I was dead. And then I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating. So I knew I was alive. And then I smelled the earth. And I realized I was in it. That I’d been buried alive. And just when there was no more breath, I woke up.
EMMA
It’s all right It was only a—
EDDY
Shh!
EMMA
What?
EDDY
Shh!!
(pause)
You hear that?
EMMA
No. What.
EDDY
Sh.
(pause)
That.
EMMA
I don’t hear anything.
(EDDY gets up quickly. Goes to light switch, turns lights out. Sneaks around to window. Peeks out sideways.)
Eddy? Where are you? What are you doing?
EDDY
I thought there was someone out there.
EMMA
Out where?
EDDY
Out back. In the garden.
EMMA
Who would be out in the garden?
EDDY
No One.
(pause. doorbell.)
EMMA
Don’t answer it.
EDDY (pause. nervous)
Of course I will.
EMMA
Don’t!
EDDY
I’ll just see who it is. It’s probably Murphy.
(opens door. JOE stands there, in ragged disheveled clothes, heavy facial hair, caked with dirt and muck like a bum.)
It’s you. Speak of the devil.
EMMA (relieved)
Murphy? It’s Murphy?
EDDY
I almost didn’t recognize you.
EMMA
Is that you, Murphy?
JOE
I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that. Just a moment. Let me adjust my hearing aid.
(adjusts it with his finger)
(EMMA stands, looks terrified. Silence.)
There. Say something. Let me see is it set right.
EDDY
I said I almost didn’t recognize you.
JOE
Ah. Perfect. You know you’re not the only one.
(long silence)
EDDY
Come in.
JOE
How hospitable of you.
(enters, moving very slowly. Sits down in center of sofa. EDDY and EMMA remain standing. JOE lies down on sofa, stretches out. Stares straight up, does not look around. [Perhaps even closes his eyes.])
I like what you’ve done with the place.
(pause)
I feel quite at home. There’s no place like home, I always say. How have you been sleeping?
(pause. without moving or opening his eyes:)
Who’s that for?
EDDY
What.
JOE
The box.
EDDY
No one.
(JOE watches EMMA. Gets up, looks at box.)
JOE
You think it’s big enough? Or small enough?
(looking down into coffin)
A bed of ashes. That’s funny. What did you burn?
EDDY
What?
JOE
In the box. These ashes.
(reaches down, picks up a burnt photo)
Hmh. Photographs, eh? Look at that. His little head’s burned off, whoever he is. Poor litle guy.
(tosses picture down. picks up hammer)
I’d say ashes to ashes, but I don’t want to be sentimental.
EDDY
You just did say it.
JOE
I didn’t say I wasn’t sentimental. I said I didn’t want to be. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. A sheep in wolf’s clothing. Maybe a phoenix will pop up out of there like a Joe In The Box and say, “Hello. Who are you? Hello. Who are you?”
(JOE moves toward EMMA silently.)
EDDY
(approaches box, looks in)
Who did this? Where did they come from?
JOE
You don’t know? Remarkable. Right underneath you, all along. And you never knew.
(JOE slowly walks past EMMA, keeps walking, looking around room. Notices ceramic owl.)
Say, that’s charming. Used to be a statue there. Statue of liberty. And now it’s an owl. Mysterious.
EDDY
(noticing owl for first time)
Where’d he come from?
JOE
That’s a good question.
EDDY
I never noticed that.
JOE
It’s staring you in the face. How could you not see something that’s staring you in the face?
(pause)
Yes, that’s nicely done. Nicely stuffed. I tried my hand at taxidermy, once upon a time. Pretty handy with it, too. But then there was a fire. And they all burned up. Poof. Like magic.
EDDY
What the hell’s it doing there?
JOE
Doesn’t look like it’s doing anything, to me. Just sitting there. Watching. That’s all.
(pause)
I’ve often thought of having myself stuffed. Oh, not right away. But maybe after I’m dead I’ll do it.
EDDY
Who put him there?
JOE
You don’t know?
EDDY
No.
JOE
Then it could be anyone. Could be no one at all. Things just happen sometimes. Things just appear. And then they disappear. That’s life.
(pause)
Have you been keeping the door locked?
(pause)
EDDY
Yes.
JOE
Maybe you forgot to lock it. Maybe someone has a key. Or maybe someone came in through the window.
(pause)
Could have been anyone.
(pause)
Anything’s possible.
(pause)
Crazy how things just disappear. Isn’t it. Here one moment, and gone the next. And then there’s something else there. And no one knows what happened to what was there before. No one seems to think to ask.
(pause)
That’s life.
(JOE sits on couch. Silence.)
(staring at EDDY:)
Emma dearest?
(pause)
Would you leave us alone for a moment?
(EMMA shakes her head.)
EDDY
It’s all right.
(pause. EMMA goes into the bedroom. Stops, stands in doorway.)
JOE
Not in there, please, dearest. Go outside. Go out back. Into the garden.
(EMMA slowly goes out.)
Shut the door, please, would you?
(EMMA returns, shuts the door. JOE stares at EDDY.)
EDDY
You don’t think she can still hear us?
JOE
No. Not on your life.
(pause)
Sit down. Won’t you?
EDDY
No.
JOE
Then I’ll sit.
EDDY
You are.
JOE
I’ll sit for both of us.
(pause)
I can’t stand for very long. Can’t keep my eyes open very long either. I think I’m going blind. But my hearing is still quite sharp. Quite acute.
(pause)
EDDY
What are you doing here?
(laughs mirthlessly)
Me? Not a thing.
EDDY
What do you want?
(pause)
Why have you come back?
JOE
What makes you think I left?
(pause)
I want to tell you something. Something very interesting. Something very entertaining.
EDDY
Is that so.
JOE
Yes. It’s so all right. It’s so so you wouldn’t believe how so it is.
EDDY
So tell me.
JOE
All in good time, my boy, everything in its own good time. I think you’ll get a very big kick out of it. I did. But I think you’ll get an even bigger one. A big old kick right in the crotch is what it’ll be. I think it’ll be like the punchline to your life. You’ll think your whole life up until now has been one long joke. Only you didn’t know where it was leading. You didn’t know the punchline. Or if there even was a punchline. And so the joke just dragged on, purposeless, and not funny in the least. And you thought maybe the joke was on you. Because you’re the one paying for it. But the only thing to do was to go on with the joke, because you were also the one telling it. To see if there was a punchline. And you said, well who would know it, if not me? Maybe the punchline already came, and you missed it, and so the joke just goes on endlessly for no reason. But no. It hasn’t come. So you listen for it. You listen to your every word.
(pause)
But I have it. I’m going to tell it to you now.
(pause)
Unless you’d like to do the honors.
EDDY
Are you going to tell me or not?
JOE
Oh yes. I’ll tell you. I’ve found out a little something. I’ve made a little discovery. About you. That you don’t know. I know something about you that you don’t know, see? The mask comes off and you will see yourself in the mirror, laughing. But you won’t be laughing.
EDDY
Just fucking tell me, pops.
(EMMA appears in window, listening. They do not see her.)
JOE
Choice words, choice words. You want me to tell you? All right. I won’t tell you.
EDDY
Then leave.
JOE
All right I’ll tell you.
(pause)
EDDY
Leave. Now.
JOE
You know that woman? That woman out there?
(EDDY’s eyes remain fixed on JOE. While indicating window, JOE notices EMMA. Does not let on.)
EDDY
No.
JOE
Sure you do. You know her all right.
EDDY
What about her.
JOE
She . . . is . . . your . . . Mother.
(pause. JOE bursts out into hysterical laughter, which turns into a coughing fit. He falls to the floor. Coughing finally subsides. He holds his throat.)
EDDY
I know that.
(voice raspy, strangled)
And do you know what that makes you?
EDDY
I said I Know That.
JOE
According to my calculations, that makes you . . .
(laughing, coughing)
That makes me . . .
(pause. JOE chokes, stops laughing. JOE and EDDY stare at one another.)
You what?
EDDY
I’ve always known that.
JOE
You’re making it up.
EDDY
Yes.
JOE
You have, haven’t you. You’ve known all along!
EDDY
From the very beginning.
(pause)
JOE
You’re lying. You’ve known nothing from the very beginning.
EDDY
No. And I’ll know nothing until the very end. Because it’s what I’ve always known.
JOE
You’re lying.
EDDY
Yes.
JOE
Don’t lie to me!
EDDY
Am I lying?
JOE
You’re not lying. Are you.
EDDY
No. That’s why I came here. To find her.
JOE
You know that you were born in this room?
EDDY
Yes.
JOE
How.
EDDY
A little birdy. A man.
JOE
Who. Who, who. How did he know.
EDDY
He found out.
JOE
Who!
EDDY
For me.
JOE
Who!
EDDY
I sent him.
JOE
Who!
EDDY
I asked him to find you.
JOE
Who!
EDDY
It was me all along.
JOE
Who who who who who who who!!!!
(silence)
It’s him, isn’t it. The man in the room.
EDDY
Who?
JOE
You know who. The writer.
(EDDY smiles.)
No?
(pause)
Then it must be Murphy. Crafty devil. I always know he could be bought like a powdered whore.
(pause)
No? Not him either?
(silence)
Aren’t you even ashamed?
EDDY
What do you want me to do? Gouge my eyes out and take a holiday in the desert? We love each other.
JOE
Don’t do that. Don’t you do that.
EDDY
Do what.
JOE
Don’t you use that word.
(pause)
You don’t even think it’s wrong?
EDDY
What? Loving your mother?
(furious)
I said–! She is not my mother! . . . That is not love. What you have is not love, do you hear me?
EDDY
Then what is it?
JOE
You don’t know the meaning of the word.
EDDY
And what is the meaning?
JOE
Neither does your moth– . . . Neither does she. She never did.
EDDY
Who do you think you are, anyway, Mr. Man? Who do you think you’re talking to?
JOE
What kind of question is that?
EDDY
That’s a good question.
(pause)
Are you denying it?
(pause. JOE paces. Notices something in coffin, reaches down and picks it up)
Look at that. A spider. Where di you come from?
(The spider crawls up him.)
Where do you think you’re going?
(begins to pull the legs off)
That’ll teach you.
EDDY
What are you doing?
JOE
I’m pulling off his legs.
EDDY
That’s sick and cruel.
JOE
Maybe. But it’s also kind of fun. Kind of funny. In a way.
EDDY
That’s torture, pure and simple.
JOE
(throwing spider)
That’s life. I don’t think he found it very amusing either.
(silence)
Well, it’s all out in the open. You know everything.
EDDY
Yes.
JOE
Then you know about your brother?
(EDDY’S expression flattens, sinks. JOE smiles excitedly.)
Ahhhh! You don’t know! Of course not. How could you?
EDDY
He didn’t . . . He didn’t tell me about any brother.
JOE
You don’t!
EDDY
You’re lying.
JOE
It must have slipped his mind. He must have lost his mind, to have forgotten.
EDDY
I don’t believe a word.
JOE
You did. But now you don’t.
EDDY
What?
JOE
In fact you never did. Because he didn’t live. He was never born. His name was Eddy, too. Just like yours. You were named after him. You were named after a dead child. A ghost.
EDDY
Are you lying?
JOE
Nooooo. In fact, he’s here.
EDDY
Who.
JOE
Him.
EDDY
Where.
JOE
He’s out back. Beneath the roots.
(pause)
She killed him.
(pause)
Before he was born.
(pause)
And then you came along.
(pause)
And he was resurrected.
(pause)
But he still hadn’t been born yet.
(silence)
EDDY
Get out. I want you out of here.
JOE
What you want is immaterial.
EDDY
I feel like—
JOE
Who or what you feel like is nothing. You, my boy, are neither here nor there.
(JOE smiles frozenly.)
EDDY
Get out of here! You don’t belong here! You’re No One!
(JOE keeps smiling, staring. Suddenly falls asleep, head drops.)
What the . . .
(EDDY stares at JOE. Slowly reaches out to feel JOE’S neck. Just as he is about to touch him, JOE jerks awake, immediately resumes fixed smile. EDDY jumps back as though he’d seen a ghost.)
JOE
What a pity. I’m afraid I can’t stay.
(goes to door, stand in doorway, facing in)
But I’ll always be here. You know where to find me. If you care to look. Just think of it that way.
(pause)
Do you think she knows?
(pause)
Are you going to tell her?
(pause. EDDY shuts door. Hand remains on knob. Silence. The door is opened suddenly, EDDY jumps back. EMMA enters.)
EMMA
Eddy? Where are you, Eddy? What’s going on, I heard shouting.
EDDY
I’m right here.
EMMA
Are you all right? What happened?
EDDY
Nothing. Nothing happened.
EMMA
Are you sure?
EDDY
Sure I’m sure. Nothing has ever happened. And nothing ever will.
EMMA
You’re sure you’re all right?
EDDY
Of course.
EMMA
Is he still here?
EDDY
Who?
EMMA
Him.
EDDY
No.
EMMA
You’re sure?
(pause)
EDDY
Yes.
(pause)
EMMA
Good. I was afraid something had happened. I hate that garden. I hate it. I hate being out there. I never go out there. He knows I hate going out there.
EDDY
Why don’t you like the garden?
EMMA
I don’t know. I think it’s the smell. The soil. Like rotting vegetables. Always reminds me of death. Like a freshly dug grave.
(silence)
EDDY
I never knew I had a brother.
(pause)
EMMA
What?
EDDY
I just found out.
EMMA
What are you talking about?
EDDY
I don’t know. What am I talking about?
EMMA
Eddy, what’s happened? You’re not yourself.
EDDY
No? He told me. He told me everything.
EMMA
What do you mean, everything? Who?
EDDY
Him.
(pause)
You all right? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.
EMMA
There’s nothing to tell. There’s nothing to be told.
EDDY
I know. But he told me anyway.
EMMA
Who? Who, Eddy?
EDDY
Dad.
(pause)
EMMA
That was him . . . wasn’t it?
EDDY
Of course it was him. You think I don’t know who it was?
(silence)
EMMA
So you know then.
EDDY
Yes. Do you?
EMMA
Yes.
EDDY
You’ve known all along?
EMMA
I think so. I’m afraid.
EDDY
What happened to him?
EMMA
He died. He was never born.
EDDY
How did he die?
EMMA
He made that up.
EDDY
Did he die inside you?
EMMA
Lies, all lies. He’s a liar. He’s never told anything but a lie a day in his life.
EDDY
Did you want him to?
EMMA
You believe him?
EDDY
What about me?
EMMA
Joe, you’re crazy.
(Pause. JOE appears in window.)
EDDY
What did you call me?
EMMA
What?
(silence)
EDDY (furious, picks up hammer)
What Did You Call Me?!
EMMA
What! Nothing! Nothing, Eddy, nothing!
(EDDY suddenly falls asleep, head falls, hammer falls, he stands there limp. Pause. JOE vanishes. EDDY wakes.)
(silence)
Eddy, what’s happened? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.
EDDY
I feel the same way.
(silence)
(monotone:)
I’ve got to get to work.
(slowly goes to table, begins hammering)
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT II
Scene 4
AT RISE: Night. Rain. EDDY sits at table, head in hands. The box is finished (a coffin). Against back wall stands a large cross.
(EDDY walks around aimlessly, rubbing his eyes. Notices paper in typewriter. Looks at it. Takes it out. Reads.)
(EMMA enters from bedroom, sleepwalking, silently.)
(EDDY senses he is being watched, turns rapidly toward window. Sees EMMA. Stares at her.)
EDDY
Oh. It’s you.
(Stares at her. Silently sets paper down on typing desk.)
Are you awake?
(pause)
Emma! Wake up.
EMMA (wakes, stands frozen)
What? Who are you? What do you want?
EDDY
It’s me.
EMMA
Are you sure?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
Where am I?
EDDY
You were sleepwalking.
EMMA
Was I?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
But I’m not now?
EDDY
No.
EMMA
Are you sure?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
How do you know?
EDDY (stares at her)
Because. You’re not moving.
(EDDY suddenly falls asleep, head falls. Snores. EMMA stands listening, says nothing.)
(EDDY suddenly jerks awake, turns rapidly to look at window. Looks at EMMA.)
EMMA
You’re awake.
EDDY
How do you know?
(silence)
Sleep well?
EMMA
No.
EDDY
What were you typing?
EMMA
What? When?
EDDY
You were up in the middle of the night typing.
EMMA
I was?
EDDY
Yes. I heard you.
EMMA
I don’t remember.
EDDY
Shall I see?
EMMA
Yes, read it to me.
EDDY
(turns knobs of typewriter to make the sound of removing paper. Picks paper up from desk. Reads aloud. At some point during the following, JOE appears in window.)
He falls asleep so suddenly. I don’t think he wants to live. But I don’t think he knows it. His body tries to tell him. He can’t control it. One day he’ll fall asleep driving, or while burning something, and be killed, not knowing that he wanted it. Or maybe he’s afraid of life. Because of the end. Creeping up on him suddenly, unaware. I do not like the gun in the drawer. It’s there for a purpose. It should not have a purpose. It should not be there. He falls asleep in the way that some people suddenly wake, instantly, from a terrible nightmare. He wakes right back up, like when as soon as they know it was only a dream, they fall right back asleep.
(EDDY suddenly falls asleep.)
EMMA
Are you sure I wrote that? I don’t think I wrote that. But who else could it be?
(pause)
Who?
(pause)
You didn’t write it, did you, Eddy?
(pause)
Eddy? Are you pulling my leg?
(pause)
Eddy?
(pause. JOE vanishes. EDDY wakes, turns to look at window.)
EDDY
There’s someone out there.
(EDDY moves along wall, stands next to window, peering out sideways)
EMMA
Where?
EDDY
Out back. In the garden.
EMMA
Who?
EDDY
I don’t know.
EMMA
What’s he doing?
EDDY
He’s watching us.
EMMA
Are you sure?
EDDY
Yes. I can see him.
EMMA
You can?
EDDY
Yes. I’m watching him. I’m looking at him right now.
EMMA
Who is it?
EDDY
I don’t know.
(long pause)
He’s coming nearer. I can hear him. His footsteps in the mud. A sucking sound—you hear it? He’s stuck. It’s like quicksand out there. But he’s coming. He’s coming toward the window. He looks like he can’t see. But he’s coming right toward the window.
EMMA
Oh my God.
EDDY
He’s getting very close.
EMMA
Eddy. There’s a gun.
EDDY
Where?
EMMA
In the desk.
EDDY
(searches drawers, finds it)
Is it loaded?
EMMA
Yes. Use it.
EDDY
He’s almost here.
EMMA
Oh my God.
EDDY
He’s coming in.
EMMA
Use it.
EDDY
He’s going to come in through the window.
EMMA
Who! Who, who is he?! Who! Who!!
EDDY
He’s here.
EMMA
Use it! Use it use it use it use it use—
(Gunshot. Sound of a body falling into the mud. Silence but for rain.)
EDDY
He fell into the hole.
EMMA
What hole?
(pause)
EDDY
He’s not moving.
EMMA
Can you see him?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
Can you see his face?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
Who is it?
EDDY
I don’t know. I’ll go and see.
EMMA
Don’t!
EDDY
He’s dead.
EMMA
Don’t go out there!
(EDDY goes. She wraps herself in a blanket. Slowly goes to window, listens. Sounds of sloshing in the mud.)
(EDDY comes in, dragging the muddy soaked body of JOE.)
Is that him? Is he here?
EDDY
Yes.
(pause)
EMMA
Is it him?
(pause)
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
Tell me it’s not him.
(pause)
EDDY
It’s not him.
EMMA
Tell me you didn’t know it was him.
(pause)
Eddy. Tell me!
(pause)
EDDY
I didn’t know it was him.
(silence)
EMMA
Why did he come back?
EDDY
Maybe he had to.
(pause)
EMMA
What now?
EDDY
We have to bury him.
EMMA
Where?
EDDY
Out back.
EMMA
We have to call the police.
EDDY
No.
EMMA
We have to tell someone.
EDDY
Are you insane? Who? We have to bury him. Don’ you see? Don’t you see how all this looks?
(silence)
I’ll get the shovel.
EMMA
Are you going to put him in the box?
EDDY
No.
EMMA
Why not?
EDDY
It’s mine.
(pause)
I might need it.
(EDDY drags the body out again.)
(FADE)
(END OF ACT II)
ACT III
Scene 1
AT RISE: Approaching Christmas. EDDY with long white beard, much like DON and SANCHO’s, sits as though in a trance.
(EMMA enters from bedroom, in robe.)
EMMA
Eddy? Eddy, where are you?
(to self)
I wish I knew what time it was.
(calling)
Eddy!
EDDY
What.
EMMA
Eddy, is that you? Are you there?
EDDY
Yes, I’m here.
(EDDY falls asleep)
EMMA
It is you . . . isn’t it?
(silence)
God, what a dream. I can’t for the life of me understand why I always dream about him.
(EDDY wakes, turns slowly to look at window)
(pause)
What are you doing?
EDDY
What?
EMMA
I said, What are you doing?
EDDY
Oh. Nothing.
EMMA
Where are you?
EDDY
What?
EMMA
Can’t you hear me?
EDDY
No.
EMMA
(following his voice, speaking more loudly)
I said, Where are you.
EDDY
Nowhere.
EMMA
(finds him)
Yes you are.
EDDY
Don’t touch me.
(pause)
EMMA
Why aren’t you working?
EDDY
On what?
EMMA
On the box.
EDDY
There’s nothing to be done with it.
EMMA
What do you mean? It’s finished?
EDDY
No.
EMMA
Well if it’s not finished then why aren’t you working on it?
EDDY
There’s just nothing to be done, that’s all.
(silence)
EMMA
It’s still raining?
EDDY
Looks that way.
EMMA
It’s the last flood. We’re all going to drown. And then we’ll all be purified. And reborn. Different beings. Perfect. Pure. Eternal.
EDDY
What?! Have you lost your motherfucking godforsaken mind?
(pause)
Why in Christ, would anyone—-ever-—say . . . anything, like, that???
EMMA
I don’t know.
(silence)
What time is it?
EDDY (shouting)
What? Speak, Up!
EMMA (shouting)
I said, What time is it!
EDDY
I don’t know and I don’t care!
EMMA (to self)
For that matter, what day is it?
(to EDDY, shouting:)
What day is it?!
EDDY
What day is what?!
EMMA
Today!
EDDY
I don’t know!!
(pause)
EMMA
I’m going back to sleep.
EDDY
Me too.
EMMA
Oh, you heard that? Good. Let’s go to sleep.
(Pause. EMMA goes toward bedroom. EDDY goes to coffin, lies down in it.)
Are you coming?
EDDY
In a minute.
(EMMA goes into bedroom. Pause. EDDY snores. Pause.)
(EMMA comes back out.)
EMMA
Eddy? Are you coming?
(pause. She listens, hears the snoring.)
Are you asleep?
(pause)
I won’t wake him.
(pause)
I won’t wake you. Good night, Eddy.
(goes back into bedroom, shuts door.)
(EDDY starts awake, sits bolt upright. Rises. Goes out. Can be seen through window, in garden, digging. Sounds of shoveling.)
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT III
Scene 2
AT RISE: Very early the next morning. Sounds of digging. EDDY can only faintly be seen, in the garden, through the window.
(EMMA comes out of bedroom. Listens.)
EMMA
Eddy? Eddy! Is that you?
(Pause. She goes to window, stands listening.)
What are you doing out there?
(Pause. Terrified)
Is that really you? That is you, isn’t it, Eddy?
(Pause. She listens.)
Who are you! What are you doing out there!
(EDDY suddenly appears in window.)
EDDY
I’m digging.
EMMA
What for?
EDDY
I’m going to plant something.
EMMA
Come inside. I feel like an egg. Do you feel like an egg?
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
Good. Come inside then.
EDDY
(succumbs too willingly, as though it were a threat)
All right.
(pause. EDDY enters, caked in dirt. He wears JOE’S clothes.)
EMMA
You smell like dirt.
EDDY
It’s only my pants.
EMMA
Why don’t you take them off.
EDDY
No.
EMMA
Please, Eddy. Pleeease? Do it for me?
(pause)
EDDY
All right. For you.
(removes pants, throws them in coffin)
(pause)
EMMA
Are you going to make them?
EDDY
What.
EMMA
The eggs.
EDDY
No.
EMMA
Eddy!
EDDY
I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.
EMMA
All right. Yes. You need sleep, Eddy.
(He lies down in the coffin. Pause. Light snores. EMMA stands, listens.)
Are you asleep already? Or are you just pretending?
(pause)
He’s as bad as Joe. I wonder if it means something.
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT III
Scene 3
AT RISE: EDDY seen through window, shoveling. Sound of digging. Digging stops. EDDY leaves garden, enters through door, holding a dead parrot in his hands, caked with mud. Sits on floor, holding parrot, studying it.
EMMA (uneasy)
Oh, that smell!
EDDY
It’s not me.
EMMA
No, but the dirt. Take them off, Eddy.
EDDY
What, my legs?
EMMA
What are you doing out there, Eddy? Are you planting, or digging something up?
EDDY
It’s a bird.
(EDDY begins sawing open the bird.)
EMMA
A what? You’re planting a bird?
EDDY
It’s a parrot. I think it’s dead.
EMMA
All I smell is dirt.
EDDY
(removing the entrails, tossing them in the coffin)
I found him out back.
EMMA
You did? In the garden?
EDDY
I was digging and he just appeared. Just floated up.
EMMA
What color is he?
EDDY
He’s bloated and blue.
EMMA
I wonder where he came from.
(pause)
Didn’t Creepy have a parrot once?
EDDY
I’m going to have him stuffed.
EMMA
What on earth for?
EDDY
Should I use sawdust? Or soil?
EMMA
I like the smell of sawdust.
EDDY
I’m going to give him a name.
(pause)
I’m going to call him, "No One."
(pause)
And then I’ll teach him to say his name. I’ll teach him to say, “Hello. I’m No One. Who are you?” “Hello. I’m No One. Who are you?”
(to parrot)
Can yo say that? Repeat it. Say, Woe is Me. Woe is Me. Woe is Me.” Repeat after me. “Creepy.” Can you say “Creepy. Creepy. Creepy.”
(pause)
I’ll teach him. I’ll take him under my wing like he was my only son. And he’ll repeat it. And keep on repeating it. Until his dying day. Like he always says.
EMMA
Who?
EDDY
You know who.
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT III
Scene 4
AT RISE: The parrot has been stuffed, wings spread, and crucified. EDDY is hammering it on wall above desk, next to mirror. EMMA putting last touches on their portrait. The Trojan Horse and the ceramic owl still sit on desk.
(A man appears in window who appears to be MURPHY. [It is JOE wearing MURPHY’s suit, wig and makeup. This need not be evident.] Remains, staring in.)
EMMA
It’s finished.
EDDY
It can’t be.
EMMA
It is.
EDDY
You’d hardly begun, this morning.
EMMA
Well now it’s night. And it’s finished.
EDDY
Let me see.
(Goes to easel, holds up picture. Looks at EMMA.)
It’s nothing. It’s just black.
EMMA
It’s not nothing. It’s us.
EDDY
Where?
EMMA
Right there. You don’t see it?
EDDY
All I see is black.
EMMA
It looks just like us. I know it does.
(pause)
Are you going to hang it up?
EDDY
Sure, sure, Mom.
EMMA
What did you say?
EDDY
Nothing. Let’s see . . .
(carries painting around, looking for the best place. [JOE still in window. EDDY carries painting out in front of him, still looking at it, and does not see JOE. Goes to desk, takes down mirror, sets mirror face down on top of picture of his grandfather. Hangs the picture in its place. It is nothing but black.)
EMMA
Do you see it now?
EDDY
No.
EMMA
How can you not see it?
EDDY
Maybe we need more light.
(gets candles from desk drawer, sets them on desk, lights them. Meanwhile EMMA comes over to him, embraces him from behind.)
EMMA
Now?
(pause)
I think it’s my best work. Our best work. I mean, you’re the one who thought of it.
(pause. EDDY suddenly catches a glimpse of JOE. Grabs hold tightly to EMMA. JOE vanishes.)
What? What is it?
EDDY
(crouching behind her, holding her legs)
I just saw someone.
EMMA
Finally!
EDDY
It was Murphy.
EMMA
Murphy?!
EDDY
Yes.
EMMA
Are you sure?
EDDY
No. It looked like Murphy. But he looked different. It looked like someone else in Murphy’s clothes. Like it could have been anybody.
(pause)
EMMA
I had no idea that Murphy was in there with us.
(pause)
EDDY
Let’s sit down. I wanna lie down.
EMMA
All right.
(EDDY takes her over to coffin, they lie down together.)
When we die, let’s be buried like this, Eddy. You wanna?
EDDY
You wanna? O.K.
(JOE appears in window again [as clown]. Pause. EDDY freezes. Pause. Turns quickly around. Sees JOE, screams, covers his eyes and turns around again, holding tightly to EMMA.)
EMMA
You wanna know something? You were born right here. On the floor. In the middle of this room. And conceived here as well. Isn’t that remarkable?
EDDY
He’s not my dad.
EMMA
Who?
EDDY
Him. He’s not really my dad.
EMMA
Of course he is.
EDDY
No! No no no no no!
EMMA
Well who is, then?
EDDY
No one! I don’t have a dad!
(silence. JOE vanishes. Pause. EDDY, cautiously, turns around and removes hands from eyes. Relieved. Goes to window. Stares out.)
EMMA
What are you doing, Eddy?
EDDY
No one’s out there.
(pause)
I have to make it dark.
(EDDY switches off lights. Gets into coffin with her.)
Let’s sleep here tonight.
EMMA
All right.
EDDY
(pulling lid over coffin)
Where it’s dark.
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT III
Scene 5
AT RISE: Night. EDDY lying unseen in coffin. Silence. Thunder.
(Doorbell. SALMON enters, with cane. He has a long white beard like EDDY’s.)
SALMON
Hellooooo! Anybody home? The lights are on!
(EDDY rises from coffin. SALMON jumps.)
Judas Priest! You tryin ta scare my heart shitless or what! What’s the matter with you?
EDDY
(sitting up in coffin, turns, stares at SALMON)
Who you?
SALMON
What in Christ do you mean? You don’t recognize me? I’ve lived here forever. I was born here and I’ll die here and you don’t know me. This some kind of joke? Eh, Joe?
EDDY
I’m not laughin.
SALMON
Neither am I. Neither is anybody. That’s my point!
EDDY
Who are you, mister?
SALMON
“Mister”?! You really don’t know me? After all this time? What is this? I know I haven’t been around here to see ya in a while, Sancho, I’ve been kinda busy. Started a garden of my own! How do you like them apples! But it hasn’t been that long. Has it? Well, I have to tell you, the mind is always the first to go.
EDDY
Have you always wore a beard?
SALMON
Wore it? Whattaya mean, “worn”? It’s just there, it’s not a mask, it’s not a pari of knickers! No, you don’t notice how time flies until suddenly you look in the mirror, and look at that. Something’s appeared. I just thought, what’s the point of shavin? I can’t see the point. Then again, now, I don’t see the point of coverin your face up with fur like some damn she-beast without a leash, eather. Cause if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my lifetime, it’s that animals don’g wear underpants. Nothing can change that. It’s been proven time and again. It’s all a waste of time and energy, andyway ya look at it. I s’pose it makes me look more like a man. But when you’ve got a beard, see, you don’t look like who you are, ya look like no one. Just some body with a beard. Unless that’s who y’are. Then you look like you.
(noticing cross)
Say, what’s that for, Sparky?
EDDY
Tell me who you are. Or I’ll fry you up and eat you.
SALMON
Solomon’s the name. But you can call me Salmon. Everybody does.
EDDY
Salmon? What kind of name is that?
SALMON
I don’t know, I think it’s Russian. How should I know, I wasn’t there when they gave it to me, was I. You’ve never seen salmon before? They go upstream to die. Just like anybody. On second thought, to hell with everybody! Call me Sal. No, Saul! No, Paul. No, Nona! Call me Nona.
EDDY
Nona?
SALMON
That’s "Anon" spelled backwards.
EDDY
Anon?
SALMON
Sure. As in, in a little while, at another time, now and then, presently, again. So, backwards, that’s: out of a long while, at this time, then and now—er, no. . . . What’s the opposite of now? Hmh. Well what’s the opposite of presently? I don’t know either. What’s the opposite of again? Never? Not to my knowledge. No, the opposite of never is always. Isn’t it? It must be. A thing happens once, and it’ll never happen again. And so really it never happened. Or else it’ll keep on happening forever. Well now again spelled backwards is "niagawon." That right? Like "Niaga Falls." Only backwards. So the opposite fo falling would be . . . Dammit, now I was getting to–
EDDY
What the fuck are you talking about, grandpa?!
SALMON
Since when do you talk to me like that? Grandpa! Go to hell in a hand basket, sir, I’m nobody’s grandpa. And you’re nobody’s grandson! We’re nothing to one another, you and I.
EDDY
What’re you doin here?
SALMON
Well anyway it’s also short for anonymous. Now the opposite of anonymous is "suomynona." No. But . . . Well, what do you say?
EDDY
About what, for Christ’s sake?
SALMON
What’s the opposite of being anonymous? Are you deaf? Eh, Joe? Eh?
EDDY
I dunno. Bein known?
SALMON
You think?
EDDY
I dunno.
SALMON
But it also means you’ve got a name. Joe Schmoe, maybe, but stilla name.
EDDY
Sure.
SALMON
And that people know this name. And they know you by this name. Or that one. They see you or think of you, they think of the name. They see the name or think of the name, they see you. Get me?
EDDY
Sure. Listen. Salmon.
SALMON
Nona! Say, ya know what? That’s almost like “no name.” But it’s backwards. Remarkable. It’s damned hard ta find a name that don’t mean nothin.
EDDY
Nona? I’m tired.
SALMON
Join the masses. Whattaya want, a medal?
EDDY
I wanna be left alone.
SALMON
Yeah, well join the party. Listen. I have to tell you somethin.
EDDY
Fine. Tell me.
SALMON
You’re not gonna like it though.
EDDY
I don’t care.
SALMON
It looks like Murphy’s checked out.
EDDY
What? Whattaya mean?
SALMON
Murphy. The clown.
EDDY
Yeah, I know Murphy.
SALMON
Well at least you know somebody! I was beginning to wonder.
EDDY
‘Course I know Murphy.
SALMON
Everybody knows Murphy. I mean knew him.
EDDY
You’re sayin he died?
SALMON
He did. He died, and now he’s dead.
EDDY
When?
SALMON
I don’t know. I found him in the hall.
EDDY
When.
SALMON
Just now.
EDDY
Where?
SALMON
In the hall!
EDDY
Where in the hall?
SALMON
On the floor. He wasn’t exactly dancing.
EDDY
Outside his room?
SALMON
No. Outside Creepy’s room.
EDDY
The writer?
SALMON
Well I’ll be damned. Sure. Creepy. His project.
EDDY
Whattaya mean, his project?
SALMON
The writer.
EDDY
Explain yourself.
SALMON
Look, you wanna be here all night? Then listen up! The writer was Murphy’s subject, ya know?
EDDY
Subject?
SALMON
Sure. As opposed to object or inject or reject or interject?
EDDY
I know the word, yes.
SALMON
You don’t seem to know a blessed thing, Joe. You didn’t even know that Murphy died for Christ’s sake. Right under your roof. Right under your nose.
EDDY
So what’s the writer got ta do with Murphy?
SALMON
That’s what he did. He studied him.
EDDY
Who studied who?
SALMON
Are you tryin ta mix me up?
EDDY
No.
SALMON
That’s all I know, see? He studied him like his life depended on it.
EDDY
Why?
SALMON
How should I know.
EDDY
How’d they know each other?
SALMON
I don’t know. I always thought maybe they were brothers or something.
EDDY
So what’d he do?
SALMON
How the hell should I know. Murphy never talked to me.
EDDY
Murphy never talked to anyone.
SALMON
So why should he talk to me? Unless I’m no one? Ha! You see? But I’m not no one. That’s not true! I’m Nona. The opposite of not being known! So you didn’t know about Murphy?
EDDY
No.
SALMON
Sure, sure. Did everything for him. Brought him his smokes, his groceries, his books, his paper, his pens. Which brings me to the other thing.
EDDY
What.
SALMON
Well, the room. I went in there.
EDDY
The writer’s room.
SALMON
Well which room do you think? Who the hell are we talking about here?
EDDY
He let you in?
SALMON
No. He wasn’t there. That’s what I’m saying. I’m tryin ta tell ya if you’d listen.
EDDY
So how’d you get in?
SALMON
The door was unlocked.
EDDY
It was?
SALMON
Yes. And so I went in.
EDDY
And?
SALMON
And I’ll tell you "and." Filled. Filled to the top. Absolutely full.
EDDY
Of what?
SALMON
Stuff. Groceries, smokes, books, paper, pens—Stuff! You couldn’t step foot in it.
EDDY
You’re making it up.
SALMON
Go and see for yourself. I don’t think he’s been there for years. Maybe he never was there. Who knows.
EDDY
He was.
SALMON
You don’t know.
EDDY
He said he met him.
SALMON
Who?
EDDY
He saw him. He talked to him.
SALMON
Who?
EDDY
When he signed the lease.
SALMON
You met him?
EDDY
Not me! Him! I’m not here!
(pause)
Maybe it was me. Maybe it was me all along.
SALMON
Well make up your mind for chrissake.
EDDY
What can this mean?
SALMON
What do you mean, "mean"? Nothing means anything.
EDDY
It doesn’t.
SALMON
It’s true.
EDDY
Nothing can’t mean anything.
SALMON
It does.
EDDY
Anymore than anything can mean nothing.
SALMON
Nothing means nothing. You’re all backwards.
EDDY
Time is growing short. It’s shrinking and shriveling up. Pretty soon we’ll be back where we started. Back at the beginning.
(pause)
SALMON
Are you one a them schizos or somethin?
(pause)
I’m gonna go for a walk.
EDDY
You’re not gonna stay for cake?
SALMON
Cake? Are you out of your mind?
EDDY
Yeah. It’s my birthday.
SALMON
Really. Your birthday.
EDDY
Yup. I was born today.
SALMON
Today is the day you were born?
EDDY
Today. Yup.
SALMON
You were born on Christmas?
EDDY
Is it Christmas?
SALMON
Of course it’s fucking Christmas. Where have you been? Isn’t that remarkable. You were born, and poor old Murphy died. That’s life I guess.
EDDY
Well shouldn’t we . . . throw a party? . . . Or somethin?
SALMON
Sure. Let’s celebrate.
(Picks up noise maker from table, makes noise with it. Stops, throws it down.)
There. Happy?
(pause)
I’m going for a walk.
EDDY
I wonder . . . do you think, when you die—after you’re dead—do you—I mean, not you, but—does anyone celebrate the day they died?
SALMON
I don’t know. I would.
(pause. takes out a bundle of papers from pocket)
Oh yeah. I forgot. I found this on him.
(hands EDDY the script)
I don’t know what the hell it is, some kind of damn play or somethin. I didn’t read it, just glanced through it. But it looks like it might be abouty us. Starts on New Year’s Day and ends . . . I couldn’t figure out where it ended. I don’t think it’s finished. I guess we’re all he had to write about. But I don’t see how he could know anything about us. Old Creepy. I mean we don’t know anything about him, ya know? But then maybe old Murphy wrote it. I mean I don’t know who wrote it if no one’s been there the whole time.
EDDY
Maybe no one wrote it.
SALMON
If no one wrote it, where’d it come from? Ya know, you can be a real dummy sometimes.
EDDY
I’m no dummy. Howdy Doody’s a dummy. You’re the dummy.
SALMON
You calling me Howdy Doody? Do I look like Howdy Doody? Who do you think you are, to talk like that. Well, we’re all dummies. Things we say. I swear I wonder where words come from sometimes. I sure as hell didn’t make em up.
(pause)
Well. You need help getting him out of here?
EDDY
No.
SALMON
Well if ya do, let me know, cause I won’t be here.
EDDY
I’ll see to him.
SALMON
All right then.
(as he is leaving, the sound of singing: "Silent Night." Carolers can be seen, indistinctly, through window, in garden. SALMON stops at door.)
Hear that? See? I told you so.
EDDY
Where’d they come from?
SALMON
I don’t know. No place. Same place as anybody. Does it matter?
EDDY
No.
(pause)
I changed my mind, Dad.
SALMON
What’d you call me?
EDDY
I wasn’t born today.
SALMON
No? Well when were you born then?
EDDY
Easter.
SALMON (shrugs)
Well it ain’t Easter. Cause Easter falls on a Sunday. And ain’t no sun today, son. Look out that window. Plus, I don’t see any colored eggs anywhere, do you? You better save that cake, son. So, ah, do you need anything then?
EDDY
No. Nothing.
SALMON
You want me to get someone?
EDDY
No one.
SALMON
Suit yourself.
(Leaves. Carolers can be seen leaving. Singing fades. Thunder, rain.)
EDDY
Yes. I will, thank you. I will suit myself. Thank you, Nona, for bringing him to my attention. And thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for watching.
(in a trance-like state, as one sleep-walking, EDDY exits, carrying script.)
(Silence. EMMA enters from bedroom, sleepwalking. Sits at typewriter. Types.)
(EDDY returns, dragging what looks like MURPHY’s body, which is caked with mud. [It is JOE’s body, in MURPHY’s clothes and makeup as before.] [The script is gone.])
EDDY (sing-songy)
Found him!
(to JOE)
You’re it.
(EMMA does not seem to hear anything. He does not seem to notice EMMA. As he drops JOE, he hears a honking. Finds the little horn in JOE’s pocket. Honks it a few times. Puts it down. Begins to remove MURPHY’s suit from JOE’s body. Then he removes his own clothes, puts on suit, wig, nose, shoes, etc. Goes to mirror. Studies himself. Goes into bedroom. Comes out with makeup kit. Goes to mirror. Paints his face like JOE’s [i.e. like MURPHY’s]. Studies himself.)
(Goes to picture. Studies it. Takes it down, sets it face down on desk. Goes to window, stares out. EMMA stops typing, rises, goes to coffin, lies down. EDDY turns around. Sees her. Picks up horn, honks it a few times, sets it on EMMA. Looks at JOE. Lifts him, carries him upstage and sets him next to cross. Gets hammer and nails. Puts nails in teeth, hoists JOE up on cross. Nails each of his hands to cross. EMMA does not stir.)
(EDDY exits. Appears through window, with shovel, begins digging.)
(Thunder. Rain.)
(EMMA suddenly sits bold upright, runs to bathroom. Sounds of vomitting. Finally she comes out, crying. Gropes around as though lost. Goes into bedroom. Comes out with suitcase. Leaves.)
(FADE)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT III
Scene 6
AT RISE: Dawn approaching. EDDY outside digging. Thunder, rain.
(EDDY comes in from the garden, wearing mud-caked clown suit, drenched. Calls for EMMA, searches for her. Finds note in typewriter. Reads. Looks at JOE. Looks into mirror.)
EDDY
Well. Welcome home. I guess it’s just you and me now.
(Begins taking off his clothes, drops them in coffin. Places EMMA’s note in coffin, lights it on fire.)
Bye bye, birdie.
(Goes into bathroom. Sound of tub running.)
(FADE)
(END OF SCENE)
ACT III
Scene 7
AT RISE: Late, approaching midnight. Dark. A small pathetic pine tree sits in the middle of the room, pine needles lining the floor. The parrot has been removed from the cross and sits atop the tree, wings still spread.
(EDDY comes out of bathroom, wearing EMMA’s bathrobe wrapped around his lower body like a diaper or a loin cloth. Skin either very red or very pale. Sees horn. Picks it up, honks it a few times. Picks up cupcake, lights the single candle. Climbs into coffin, in foetal position. Eyes remain open, flickering in the glow of candle. Begins to eat the cupcake. Long silence, interrupted by an occasional honk.)
(Doorbell. SALMON enters, still with cane. Does not notice JOE on wall.)
SALMON
What the hell ya doin? Sleepin? What’re ya waitin for, Christmas? Well it’s Christmas! Wake up! Say, ah, you feel like an egg, Joe? I could sure use an egg.
EDDY
What for?
SALMON
You sayin there’s no use for an egg? You might be right. I’ll find one.
EDDY
Milk?
SALMON
Milk? You wanna hard-boil some milk? I’ve been meaning to tell you, son, you might think about taking it easy on the sauce.
EDDY
I want some milk.
SALMON
Fine. I’ll see.
(goes to kitchen. EDDY falls asleep. SALMON returns with many eggs)
It’s so dark you can’t see your nose in front of your face! Rise and shine, angel face!
(Flips lights on. Immediately EDDY stands, frightened.)
EDDY
Who said that? Who are you?
(gropes around, as though it is pitch dark)
What are you doing here? You don’t belong here.
SALMON
Who are you to talk?
EDDY
(EDDY gropes his way toward SALMON)
Dad? Dad, is that you?
SALMON
Dad?! I’m no one’s dad. And neither are you.
(EDDY gropes at him, feels his face, leans on him for support)
What’s wrong with you? Are you out of your mind, son? Have you lost it? Get away from me, Joe. Don’t touch me. Who do ya think you are, anyway? You call yourself a man? You’re not a man. I know a man when I see one, and you’re no body. A joke. An imposter. What are ya tryin ta do?
(takes out can of mace from pocket)
I’ll show you who’s who and what’s what.
(sprays EDDY in the eyes, EDDY flails around blindly, screaming, hands over eyes. SALMON picks up eggs, pelts him with them in the face. As he throws eggs:)
There! Take that! There’s a has-been. And that! That’s a would-be. And that, son, is a never-was and never-will-be.
How do you feel, Joe? Eh? Who do you feel like now? You still feel like a king, Joe?
(EDDY curls up in coffin, covered in eggs)
EDDY (moaning)
Milk.
SALMON
Oh. I forgot. Wait here.
(goes into kitchen, returns with a carton of milk)
Here we are. I better test this.
(tries milk, spits, wretches)
I don’t think you want that.
EDDY
Milk! Milk, milk!
SALMON
Who are you, Hellen Keller on sedatives?
EDDY
Milk! Milk, milk, milk, miiilk!
SALMON
Fine. This’ll shut your cake hole for ya.
(begins to ppour milk into EDDY’s mouth)
More? All right. Mommy’s got more.
(pours until carton is empty)
That’s all she wrote. You sucked her dry. You don’t feel like puking? I feel like puking.
SALMON
(Sound of explosions outside)
What in Christ’s name is that noise?
EDDY
Fireworks?
SALMON
Huh. Well I’ll be damned. That’s one hell of a way to celebrate Christmas. I don’t know what the world’s comin to.
EDDY
It’s not Christmas, it’s my birthday.
SALMON
Well it may be your birthday, but it’s Christmas. It’s Christmas whether you like it or not. It’s always been Christmas and it’ll always be Christmas.
EDDY
I was born at midnight.
SALMON
Well, if you were born at midnight, then ya can’t say you were born today. I mean, tomorrow you won’t be able to say whether you were born today or yesterday.
EDDY
I wasn’t born yesterday!
SALMON
Well, I suppose it’s all the same. Today, yesterday, tomorrow.
(pause)
Say, Joe, I thought youwere born on New Year’s. Maybe it is New Year’s. Maybe Christmas came and went and I didn’tnotice. Remarkable. Where’s a paper, I gotta see.
(searches)
Hell, you can’t find anything in this place.
(finally finds newspaper in desk)
Well I’ll be damned. It is New Year’s.
(reads)
Good God, that’s revolting! I never heard about that.
(looks again at date)
Wait a second. This is from two years ago. The day might be right but the year sure as hell ain’t.
(squinting)
I don’t think it is. My eyes aren’t what they used to be.
(Stops, turns quickly to window)
Who in the savior’s name was that?
EDDY
Who.
SALMON
In the window. I could have sworn . . . Well, I’d believe it if I didn’t see it with my own two eyes. These things are in backwards. I thought it was you.
(pause)
But you’re right here. Aren’t you?
(pause)
Must have been him. I didn’t see him too clearly. Is he back?
EDDY
Who.
SALMON
Who, who, who! What dy’a mean, who? Who d’ya think I mean? Him! Who else?
EDDY
No. He’s not here.
SALMON
You sure? I was pretty sure I saw–
EDDY (sing-songy)
No One’s Here.
(pause)
Will you sing with me?
SALMON
Sing? I don’t sing. What do I look like, a parrot?
EDDY
Sing Happy Birthday to me. With me.
SALMON
All right, but it won’t sound like anything.
(EDDY begins singing. SALMON accompanies him. They both sing "me." Near the end, SALMON’S teeth fall out.)
God! Dammit! Not again!
(shaking fist)
Lord, God, why have you forsaken me?
(to EDDY)
You see what you’ve done? I’ve lost them. I can’t speak right without those teeth.
(SALMON stands in one place, looking around for his teeth. Stops. Stares at window for a long time. Goes to it, stands peering out.)
There he was again. Christ, I’m losin it. These eyes must be playin jokes on me.
(Notices candle in cupcake.)
Say, son. You better blow that candle out or the whole place is gonna go up, with you in it. Is that how you wanna go? That how you wanna be creamated? That how you wanna be remembered? You won’t rise up from the ashes like a goddam helium chicken, let me tell you. Not very far, anyway. You know why?
EDDY
I don’t have enough breath.
SALMON
No.
(points up)
Because there’s another floor. And another, and another. Add nausea. I’ll do it.
(SALMON blows out the candle)
There.
EDDY
Is it out?
SALMON
Out as out can be. You’re safe. All quiet on the western front, son.
(resumes looking for his teeth)
Say, can you see?
EDDY (squinting)
I don’t know. Everything’s dim.
SALMON
Shit.
EDDY
Am I still inside? Or is this outside?
SALMON
I thought maybe ya could help me look.
EDDY
What did you lose?
SALMON
Nothing.
EDDY
You won’t find it.
SALMON
Nothing to be found in this place.
EDDY
Everything’s lost.
SALMON (keeps looking)
Nothing’s lost forever.
(Pause. Looks. Jumps, stares at window.)
God–Damn it! This is getting unnerving. I’m gonna take care of that.
(Looks around for something to cover window with. Eventually finds flag in desk. Hangs flag over window.)
There.
(resumes looking for teeth)
Huh. Now that’s a joke. That’s a sick joke if I ever heard one. A bad joke with no goddam punchline, is what this is.
(pause)
So where’s Joe? When’s he coming back?
EDDY
I don’t know. He’s here somewhere. He’ll turn up.
SALMON
Well he better hurry. Time’s runing out. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. The building’s on fire. Yup. Something got lit somehow in his room. Whatsisname. Creepy. And no one was there to put it out. That’s what I came to tell ya.
EDDY
I don’t smell anything.
SALMON
(still looking around for teeth)
Neither do I. Ya don’t smell nothing, ya don’t see nothing, ya don’t hear nothing, ya don’t taste nothin, ya don’t feel nothing, ya don’t say nothin. That’s life. Isn’t it? I think that’s what it is. Anyway it’s just a fire right now. But when you go up in smoke, you’ll smell it, by Cracky. It’s a sight to see, a fire that size. Heat and light like crazy, like you wouldn’t believe, and then: nothing.
(pause)
Well huh. They disappeared. I guess they just don’t want to be found. Ah, to hell with it. What difference does it make. I’m sick and tired of talking anyway.
EDDY
You could write everything down.
SALMON
I hate trying to say things.
EDDY
And if there’s nothing to say, you can write that.
SALMON
Nothing’s worth saying. There’s nothing to be said.
EDDY
(Pause. Indicating horn:)
Or you could just use one of these.
(honks a few times)
SALMON (indicating eyes)
Don’t need these marbles, either. Can just follow the voices, all the good they do me. But I’ll leave em in. I’m too tired to bother with em.
(pause)
But one thing’s sure: from now on, I’m never saying another word.
(nods quickly, as though to magically make it official)
EDDY
Until your dying day.
(Honks. Takes horn to SALMON, puts it in his hand, squeezes his hand for him, the horn honks. long silence. EDDY goes back to coffiin.)
(To parrot)
I wish I could teach you to sing Happy Birthday To Me. And then every day would feel like my birthday.
(SALMON lies down on couch)
(EDDY eats cupcake)
EDDY
I’ll tuck you in.
(EDDY takes off robe, lays it over SALMON, covering his whole body and head. SALMON does not speak or move. EDDY turns on TV.)
Here. You can fall asleep to the TV.
(From TV comes the National Anthem.)
It’s midnight!
(Grandfather clock begins to strike twelve.)
(EDDY notices New Year’s noise makers on table, picks one up. Returns, naked, with noise maker, to coffin, assumes foetal position. Makes noise with noise maker. SALMON responds with horn, from beneath robe. EDDY makes noise with noise maker. They converse. Then both make noise at once, chaotically, for a long while.)
(Smoke begins pouring in, flooding the stage. SALMON stops honking. EDDY then stops making noise with noise maker. SALMON sniffs beneath robe. Doesn’t move.)
SALMON
There she comes. There she goes. It’s about time. Well, so long everyone.
(Honks a few times. EDDY joins with noise maker.)
(to self:)
Damn it all! My resolution!
(Violent knocking. Doorbell repeatedly. Voices: “Who’s in there?! Joe! Emma! Anybody in there?! Joe! The building’s on fire, Joe! Get everybody out!,” etc.)
(Underneath the sound of rain and crackling flames, sound of carolers singing "Silent Night." A little while after EDDY stops making noise, SALMON stops also. The carolers’ voices grow, low but clearly audible. National Anthem continues.)
SALMON (shouting to carollers:)
Shut the hell up! This ain’t fucking Christmas! People are tryin ta sleep!
(Anthem ends. Static.)
(The rain finally ceases. The caroler’s voices fade with it.)
(Static. Smoke.)
(FADE)
(END OF PLAY)